By Hamid Taghavi
May 1, 1998
The Iranian

Origins of tahDig

TahDig is not a recent phenomenon. The discovery of tahDig is tied to the discoveries of fire and polo. Remnants of tahDig-like substances were found at the tomb of the pharaohs. Drawings of prehistoric caves display rituals where animal sacrifices were made to tahDig while tribe members munched on. Ancient Romans used to worship the god Tahus Digus. There is also recent scientific evidence tying the extinction of the dinosaurs to a massive tahDig meteorite which may have hit Earth some 163 million years ago. Had it not been for tahDig, T-Rex would still be roaming the face of the planet, the streets of San Fransisco, and shopping malls of Texas.

TahDig and crime

Although tahDig can be legally obtained in most Middle Eastern cuisines, there is an underground network that delivers a more potent, powdered tahDig through mail order. All you have to do is add grease and optionally some khoresh. Last year, five million metric tons of tahDig with a street value of over $12 billion were confiscated. There are tahDig gangs exclusively specializing in pushing the golden brand of tahDig on the streets of inner cities. TahDig smuggling is estimated to be a $20 billion industry, and growing. Attorney General Janet Reno considers tahDig the drug of the 21st century and is appointing a new cabinet position to be the tahDig czar.

TahDig and health

TahDig has been shown to shatter teeth, break jawbones, jar brains, cause turf wars at the dinner table over the last piece of the crispy substance, and start many long lasting feuds which is only surpassed by unrelated feudings over chai after a contentious dinner. Furthermore, tahDig overdose is the third largest killer of middle-aged Middle Eastern men, ranked right behind cigarettes and wives. The biggest problem is posed by the imitation tahDig that restaurants sell (which can be easily recognized by its pale color and soft texture). The tahDig chamber of the Department of Health has issued a bulletin warning users to avoid the half-baked cheap imitations sold by greedy restaurant owners. With an increased awareness, and as sales of the restaurant quality tahDig has dropped, some are repackaging the soft tahDig as "decrunched", marketing it to denture wearers and children who haven't grown their primaries.

TahDig and beauty

Due to the tremendous force required to crush this mysterious substance, tahDig users are characterized by large jaw muscles. These muscles are extraordinarily strengthened by the unusual exercise of crushing tahDig which exceeds titanium in tensile strength. The size of the muscles alter the face of the tahDig victim into monstrous and grotesque shapes. Because of the superhuman strength in the facial muscles of tahDig addicts, the public is warned that it's best not to agitate tahDig addicts who haven't had their tahDig fix for a while unless in a safe distance from the jaw of the tahDig sufferers.

TahDig in the Military

TahDig tiles are now replacing tempered ceramic tiles used as heat shields for the space shuttle. There is an increasing amount of evidence suggesting that Reagan's "arms for hostages" deal was really an "arms for tahDig" deal. Iranians had effectively exhibited tahDig's radar absorbing qualities, which eventually provided the last remaining piece of the technological advancement to achieve stealth. TahDig's extraordinary strength, attributed to its ingenious lattice structure, enables it to be used as a protective shield on tanks. TahDig armored tanks have a surface which is extremely hard, and yet crunchy. Furthermore, in a recent report Jane's Defense Weekly alleges Iran to have developed tahDig bombs, which upon explosion would make everyone turn crunchy and stick to the bottom of buildings. This is what the current American administration considers to be the most serious part of Iran's alleged pursuit of weapons of mass destruction.

TahDig and movies

In the past, tahDigh has come close to stardom a number of times. The Superman movies originally called for using tahDig as the only element Superman could not resist. Then, the producers settled on a more fancy sounding substance with radioactive qualities: kryptonite. "Batman and Robin" was originally going to be called "Batman and tahDig" but then the producers decided tahDig wasn't photogenic enough. Other movies that would have starred tahDig were "Dig", "Godzilla vs. TahDig", "TahDig Wars", "Dances With tahDig", and "E.C.: The Extra Crunchy". In the original script of the newest installment of the Alien series "Alien, the tahDig Resurrection", Ripley, the main character, happens to be cooking tahDig when she encounters Alien. Cornered, she grabs the tahDig and shoves it down Alien's double-mouth, whereby Alien promptly begins munching and instantly attains human qualities just as good as Ripley's old boyfriend. Then, the two of them lock eyes and fall in love. They move in together and open a joint checking account. She would introduce him to her friends as Allen, her Persian boyfriend and the two would eventually walk into the sunset hand in hand. However, this ending was scrapped because they could not cast Brad Pitt to be Alien.

The most common myths about tahDig

* TahDig is not addictive

Wrong! In laboratory animals tahDig has proven to be 10 times more addictive than crack cocaine, heroine, ice, and LSD. Furthermore, quitting tahDig is far more difficult and there is no known medical case of a tahDig recovery which has lasted beyond two weeks. Withdrawal symptoms are much more severe and are usually accompanied by fever, hallucinations and performing illogical acts. For example, last year, a man severely damaged his teeth after a strong withdrawal attack in which he tried to eat rocks to curb his tahDig cravings. The man has been sent to Tehran's "De-tahDigification Center," the premier tahDig recovery clinic in the world.

* TahDig is not toxic

Certain types of tahDig, such as that of "aalbaaloo polo," which has tendency to char, is known to have the same radioactive qualities as carbon isotope 14. Also, when tahDig is not properly made, it sticks so severely to a pot that it physically fuses with the pot material at molecular levels. When an unsuspecting tahDig user digs the tahDig, he plucks alarmingly high amounts of steel, zinc, aluminum and other trace materials. The increased metallic content of the foodstuff then causes certain types of poisoning whose side effects include having an urge to watch an entire hour of Persian TV programming which completely consist of advertising. Other side effects include cravings to listen to tapes of an old radio program by a preacher named "raashed."

* TahDig is for the lower class

Wrong. TahDig is the fastest growing substance consumed by upscale suburban yuppies. There have been reports of tahDig parties in Beverly Hills, La Jolla, and Greenwich Village among other places. Last year, the mayor of Bel Air was arrested for possession of tahDig, a serious crime in California. He's currently serving the remainder of a life sentence without the possibility of aabgoosht.

* TahDig is only taken orally

Wrong. Serious tahDig users who can not wait all day usually take this substance intravenously whenever their blood tahDig drops, a condition known as "khomaari" in medical terms. There is even a tahDig patch, similar to nicotine patches (only crunchier), which delivers a steady dose of highly concentrated tahDig for up to a week at a time. Some people have tried to achieve the same affect by taping a large piece of tahDig to their arms resulting in a moderate success. The big drawback of this approach is a peculiar urge to keep putting khoresht on one's arm.

* TahDig has no calories

Wrong. TahDig itself is low in calories, but the greasy substance that's required to activate tahDig's main ingredient is loaded with forbidden calories. Serious tahDig users complain that tahDig without the greasy substance does not provide any "buzz." Other trendy variations of tahDig such as tahDig cheesecake and tahDig flavored Haagen Dazs ice cream are loaded with empty calories.

* TahDig is for stupid people

Wrong. TahDig users are some of the most imaginative and inventive people. Einstein is known to have been on a tahDig binge just before the inception of his theory of relativity. Einstein, who was half-Iranian and half-Persian, was addicted to tahDig since childhood. Beethoven's Symphony No. 5 was a tribute to tahDig as one can easily tell by the opening movement. Furthermore, it's now known that Van Gogh entirely based his Impressionist style on tahDig as one could see the resemblence of the brush strokes to tahDig's rice formations.

* TahDig addiction only afflicts the Iranian population

Wrong. Ever since its introduction to mainland U.S., this substance has been fast spreading across all segments of the population. The white Anglo race is specially partial to this highly addictive substance. All-you-can-dig joints are growing faster than sushi bars. In these joints, customers are handed a spoon and a pot with tahDig stuck to its bottom, and they'll be scratching the tahDig off the pot. The owners claim the experience of digging for tahDig and licking the grease off their hands is part of the attraction. Starbuck's Coffee has plans to start another chain, StarDig's, where bastardized versions of tahDig will be offered to the variety-crazed public, such as chocolate covered tahDig and tahDig latte, which consists of a piece of tahDig floating in a cup of hot milk. A new juice bar chain, going by the trendy name "Crazy Havang," will be offering various tahDig smoothies and flavored tahDig juices. MacDonald's is planning on introducing a new menu item "digMac" which consists of a burger sandwiched between two pieces of tahDig. King Burger is anticipated to counter this move with its own new menu item, "tahKing."

Related links

* Also by Hamid Taghavi:
- Iranian hospirality attack -- Warning to tourists

* Satire section
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