Satire

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Persian for president
To bring back the glory of the Persian Empire

May 23, 2001
The Iranian

Dear countrymen, expatriates, and great citizens of the Persian Empire,

Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Arash also known, in the Los Angles area, as the "Persian Warrior". I am a highly regarded personal trainer at one of the premier health clubs where I mentor individuals to achieve better health and build exceptional bodies. I want to be your president.

You heard it right folks. I'm officially kicking off my campaign to lead Persian people back to the glory days of Persian Empire where our great country extended from China all the way to... the other side (I'm not sure exactly where, but I'll look it up later). I want to bring back what was once regarded as the center of great civilizations and fearless heroes.

Frankly, I am very disappointed with the lack of commitment and discipline displayed by Persians in the last few decades. Bad diets, lack of exercise, stress, smoking, and high body fat content is killing our nation. I ask myself, what happed to those strong Persians that once ruled the world? Where are those powerful individuals who defeated Greeks, Turks, Afghans, Indians, and Cowboys? What happened to Rostam? I think about things like that and my head starts to hurt.

Let me tell you a little bit about myself. I exemplify Persian nobility. I'm 250 lbs. I have 37-inch biceps. My chest is as big as Mount Damavand. I bench press 300 lbs. with ease. Even though I did not finish high school, I am able to talk to people clearly and comfortably. My doctor told me that I have a double-digit IQ (I think it's good). Sometimes when I have brain-fart, I slap people so hard they won't dare talk back to me. Now that's what I call effective communication and leadership. And that's what we need in a president. A communicator who's not afraid to kick ass when all else fails.

Please allow me to take a minute to highlight some of my social and economical programs, which I will be implementing with your help for the greatness of the empire:

Beautification of the country is my top priority. I will start beautifying this great land of ours by ordering all male (and some female subjects) to shave their fronts and backs immediately. I'm aiming for the day where Persian people can walk proudly on the beach in their Speedo without embarrassing their children or terrifying the public.

I will get rid of air pollution by taking away your crappy cars and making your lazy asses jog to work everyday. That's right. Nothing like a 20-mile, early morning, jog to open up those arteries, you lazy bastards.

I'm dreaming of the day when no subject of the empire will ever go to bed on an empty stomach (unless they are dieting). That's why I am going to introduce a free nutritional program that will insure all Persians a well balanced diet. I will spend the oil money to supply all Persians with free Power Bars. Yes you heard it right. Free Power Bars. It tastes like dog shit (not that I ever had dog shit before) but it will give citizens all the nutrition and minerals that body needs. It might cause little bit of constipation. It's okay. We have all been acting like we are constipated anyway.

I will guarantee free speech even though I'm not very comfortable with the subject. I don't understand the point of having free speech when none of us ever listens. But it's a trendy thing to do -- so yak all you want.

I will eliminate the Guardian Counsel's qualification process (background check) and replace it with a new procedure that will require all candidates to pass a vigorous physical test. It will be a gladiator-style arena where we drop the candidates in front of lions and crocodiles and will have the event nationally televised. Those who survive shall qualify to run for public office. It's the survival of the fittest. That's the way nature intended.

I have asked President Khatami, several times, for a nationally televised debate followed by an arm wrestling contest where we can go one-on-one and show the Persian people who the strongest man is. I would even arm wrestle him with one finger. I have called his office several times but they hang up on me. I am even willing to give Khatami two weeks to shape up. But Khatami is avoiding me at all cost.

The other day I met with the former Intelligence Minister Ali Fallahian, who's also running for president, and asked him for a live presidential debate followed by a boxing match. He looked at my extraordinary physique and offered me a job as a hit man!

With your help, I will bring back glory and honor to the Persian Empire. For the price of $19.95, I will send you details of my social and economical plans. Together, we will once again pave the road to glory and prominence. Please vote for me. It's the Persian thing to do.

Comment for The Iranian letters section Comment to the writer Siamack Baniameri