Satire

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Cover your donkey
I love this molla dude

May 4, 2001
The Iranian

My parents are putting pressure on me to find a job. They are buying into all this crap about having a career and being successful. I keep telling them if they don't expect much from me, they won't get disappointment. But I guess they are growing tired of me living at home for last thirty years.

While glancing through the newspaper the other day, acting like I was looking for a job, I came across an article that got my attention: "Molla Mohammed Omar, spiritual leader of the Taliban in Afghanistan, has ordered followers to cover the private parts of all male donkeys, mules, and horses. Molla Omar has commanded followers to gear up the animals with special underwear to prevent their genitals from being exposed in public."

I like this guy. Who is this molla dude? How come I never heard of him? The man knows his stuff (literally). I myself feel extremely inadequate when I see a donkey walking around with his equipment exposed in public. It can seriously shatter a man's confidence.

A man can feel vulnerable and insufficient standing next to an excited mule. I am talking crushed egos and broken spirit of manliness here. One minute you are the master of your domain and the next your whole manhood is undermined by a jackass.

Who gave these damn animals the right to walk around showing off their you-know-what? It's hard enough for us men to go out there and compete among ourselves; now we have to measure up to donkeys and horses?

I totally understand how this molla feels. Like millions of other men out there, I'm on the same boat with the molla and his followers. I personally think God has put these animals on earth to make us feel incompetent.

However, I was very disappointed by Molla Omar's leniency in regards to this highly sensitive issue. Why put underwear on these animals when you can easily chop off the offending part? Excuse me, but don't they neuter these animals in Afghanistan? Then what's the big deal? What's the use of keeping private parts around when the animal is sexually in a coma? Cut them off, dude.

Besides, with all due respect to the good molla, don't you think a million-dollar show-horse, walking around in an underwear, would look a little silly? Unless of course it's Calvin Klein underwear, which is a whole different issue all together.

I even have a better suggestion for the great molla. Why stop there? Gather all Afghan men in one place, ask them to drop their pants, and then the molla and his lieutenants should size their thingee with measuring tapes. If anyone's ehem remotely resembles a donkey, mule or a horse's oohoom, he should immediately be shot.

It's crazy what we have to do to protect ourselves from physical inadequacies. I love these Taliban dudes. The way I see it, a guy who can make a nation believe that God wants their livestock to wear underwear, must be either a genius or have a twisted sense of humor.

Comment for The Iranian letters section Comment to the writer Siamack Baniameri