I would like the next Iranian
revolution to be sexy and bloody
December 5, 2004
We are due for another revolution. And I'll be willing to
participate in the next Iranian revolution only if the leader is
a delusional cross dresser who aspires to be a crack-addict-rock-star
with bad inflammation, violent temper and a knack for inserting
sharp objects in his ... throat. That's my kind of a
I'll not participate in velvet revolutions. That's
gay. I also refuse to be a part of any kind of sit-ins, hunger
strikes, passive resistance or nonviolence movements. I'm
sorry but I do not sing Kumbaya. I would like the next Iranian
revolution to be sexy and bloody. I have a few people in my shit-list
that I need to pay a visit. I envision the next Iranian revolution
as kind of like MTV meets Aljazeera: hardcore avant-garde
rap yet politically
incorrect and traditional.
I would like to form a revolutionary party with militant prostitutes
and activist pimps. I also like to merge the party with fundamentalist
drug addicts and radical panhandlers. I will form a military wing
for the party and outsource it to the former members of Taliban
who left Afghanistan due to the lack of adequate five-star vacation
beach resorts. I also would like to eventually elevate the
party's status to Code Orange.
I will charge a twenty-dollar annual fee for all party members
except those who are willing to participate in an experiment to
study the affect of suppository chemical weapons. The party leaders
will be selected among members who can survive a weekend of hardcore
orgy with a group of pissed off lesbian grandmothers.
I can not see myself involved with a revolution that underutilizes
the power of transsexual assassins. I also refuse to contribute
to a revolution that discriminates against midgets with out-of-control
bowel movement. And I definitely will not have any part in a revolution
that ignores the rights of custodial engineers who show up to work
naked due to early stages of Alzheimer's disease.
I would like the next Iranian revolution to follow a certain codes
of conduct. For example: the revolution should not start before
9am and should be closed for the day at some time around 3pm. Weekends
should be optional. The dress code should be business casual and
revolutionaries should be compensated for any overtime.
think that it's a good idea to provide the midlevel management
responsible for supplying cocktail Mollotofs with company cars.
And lastly, those who suffer from hangover due to a wild night
of hard drinking should be excused from participating in the
revolution until they are fully recovered.