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The second coming of Elvis
I don't think "Allah o Akbar" is a good substitute for an engine


November 12, 2005

I was reading the other day that president Ahmadinejad had told a group of his followers that his primary function in life is to facilitate the second coming of his main man, Imam Mahdi. Ahmadinejad expressed his total devotion to the12th Imam and said only the pure and worthy shall ride along side his holiness. Ahmadinejad was also caught saying that Imam Mahdi's first assignment upon his reappearance will be to annihilate Zionism, i.e. Israel.

Conservative Christian broadcaster Pat Robertson has claimed that he is facilitating the second coming of Jesus Christ by sending American Jews back to Israel. Robertson actually pays for American Jews to relocate to the state of Israel. Robertson and his 700 club devotees believe that God cannot establish His Son in Israel as King of the Jews unless the Jews are living in Palestine, their promised homeland. So, it is God's plan to restore the Jews to Palestine before the Second Coming of Christ:

"But, The LORD liveth, that brought up the children of Israel from the land of the north, and from all the lands whither he had driven them: and I will bring them again into their land that I gave unto their fathers." (Jer. 16:15)

Wait up folks, this actually gets better.

My uncle Mohsen who is a born again Hindu and spends all of his free time in Las Vegas, has enlightened the world with the prophecy of Elvis Presley's second coming. Uncle Mohsen has predicted that Elvis shall return to earth to bring justice and free healthcare to all who are willing to ride by his side. Mohsen claims that only those who have mastered the art of Elvis impersonation are worthy to dine with him during the Armageddon.

When it comes to second comings, it's comforting to know that we have choices. It's good to know that at the end of time -- when the earth is burning down to smithereens and those who have sinned are getting large objects inserted in their eye sockets -- you'll get to choose who you will ride with.

I don't know. It's a tough choice. Joining Imam Mahdi requires associating with Ahmadinejad and his disciples. That does not translate to any fun. Riding along side of Imam Mahdi means getting up in the early hours of the morning for prayers. I'm sorry but I am not a morning person. It is also obvious that due to the international embargo, you will be deprived of all the latest weaponry or spare parts. Maybe it's just me, but I don't like flying in an airplane that does not have a black box, seatbelts or a qualified pilot. I also don't think "Allah o Akbar" is a good substitute for an engine.

Mismanagement will also play a big factor since Ahmadinejad and his cronies are not exactly known for good planning and execution. Another down side to riding with the 12th Imam is his lack of experience. The 12th Imam was a child when he disappeared. Don't you think that a child is a bit under qualified to run things at Armageddon? I mean would you let your child attack Israel? I think not.

Now, the second coming of Christ might be an alternative. Jesus was known to be a heavy drinker and he associated with a renowned hooker called Mary Magdalene. Now that's my kind of a guy. But knowing Pat Robertson, hookers are absolutely out of the question. Financing might be a big issue because most of the money designated to funding the second coming of Christ will most likely be spent on sending American Jews back to Israel.

With high jet fuel prices and expensive airline tickets, Jesus will be broke by the time all American Jews are sent back. And who can guarantee that all Jews will accept Christ as their king? Ariel Sharon will probably intercept and assassinate Christ with a rocket fired from a helicopter before he ever gets to Jerusalem.

Besides, Israelis are just too strong. With hundreds of lobbyists in Washington and the US government firmly behind them, Israelis have the upper hand and Jesus is shit out of luck. I have the feeling that the whole second coming of Christ will turn into a big mess like Iraq. I don't know but this sounds like a losing proposition to me.

Therefore my conclusion is that I should join Elvis and my uncle Mohsen. My uncle will most likely hold a very high rank in Elvis' army since he is the best damn Iranian Elvis impersonator around. He is also a fun guy to be with and he spends most of his waking hours either intoxicated or high on crack which is good for moral. I also think that those who join Elvis' second coming will be well-fed. It would be hard to imagine Elvis going more than two hours without downing a juicy burger and a jumbo fries.

Yeah, I made up my mind. Please sign me up for Elvis' army. After all, there is a reason they call him the king.

Siamack Baniameri is the author of The Iranican Dream, ( Publishing, December 2004). Also see

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