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About to be stabbed
Brief update before V gives birth

September 23, 2003
The Iranian

This is a quick update with days to go before my wife gives birth. The other morning, whilst lying in bed on my back, I started to act out what it would be like for Varinder to give birth. I lifted my legs up bent at the knee, held my stomach and heaved in the same way I have seen pregnant women do on TV.

Varinder rolled over to me.

"Did you just fart?"

" Sorry..."

"That was disgusting... what are you doing lying like that anyway?"

I started to explain. After threatening to 'fucking stab' me if I ever farted like that again, she, very sweetly, did her own much more realistic impression of giving birth. And all the while explaining how their heads and bodies (we are expecting twins) will go through a ninety degree turn on exit. She also explained that the chances were she would be having a caesarean section.

For a number of weeks now, every time we go to our hospital appointments, the doctors and midwives seem to be gently preparing us for a caesarean. Varinder is extremely anxious as a result. On the one hand she wants a natural birth but on the other we both want a safe birth. The thought of being cut along her bikini line and having to wait weeks to recover properly while having to breast feed our twins is just too much.

Since I want to keep this update brief, here are a recent few summarised:

1) On the same day my last article was published [Can't wait], we went for our routine hospital check-up and to our complete surprise, V was admitted to a ward with suspected per-Eclampsia (convulsions usually during or immediately after pregnancy). She spent four boring days in hospital before being discharged on condition she returned every day for monitoring.

2) During this time, I was 'told off' by a particularly stern looking midwife. Reason: for falling asleep on V's bed ("this bed is for patients only, Mr Salari!"). So petty.

3) I bought V a portable DVD player so she could watch some films. Watching Barbarella while the twins' hearts were being monitored was a surreal experience.

4) I 'let one go' in the hospital elevator when V and I were going to her ward. She yelled that if I farted again she would, 'fucking stab' me. At that precise point the elevators doors opened and the nasty midwife walked in as we walked out. Sweet revenge I thought to myself. I hope she chokes.

I will end this update with a request. My cousin from the US told me about these bibs specially designed for twins. One says on it, "Stupid". The other says on it, "I am with stupid". If any readers out there have seen such bibs, could you please buy them and send them to me? Drop me any email first so I can wire you the money and our address details. I will be eternally grateful to you.

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By Siamack Salari



Book of the day

Mystics, Monarchs and Messiahs
Cultural Landscape of Early Modern Iran
By Kathryn Babayan

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