That'll teach me
Woes of over-eating
January 12, 2006
That'll teach me gorge myself when I wasn't even that
hungry. That'll teach me to leave frozen burgers in the back
of my freezer for 18 months. That'll teach to stick those
same burgers into the oven without defrosting them. That'll
teach me to eat so many burgers in one go.
The first inkling I had that something wasn't quite tight
was when I was on the phone to my cousin Reza. He had discovered
a site called pamtv.com. I was listening but becoming increasingly
distracted by a queasy sensation in my stomach. This was less that
2 hours after finishing the last burger.
"Reza jan" I pleaded, "I need to go to the toilet."
off you go. Call me back later then."
I put the phone down and immediately sensed a fart. Except I
knew I couldn't trust it to be a fart. So I clenched myself into
what I can only describe as a starfish death grip. And thus clenched
I slowly climbed the stairs to the toilet. Although liquid emerged
en-route, it didn't touch cloth.
Without going into too much
detail the next 48 hours were probably the worst of life as far
as my general wellbeing is concerned. At one point I was on the
loo and puking into out bath-tub all at the same time. I would
genuinely have been happy if someone had put me out of my misery.
In fact, several times during the night, Varinder did threaten
to put me out of my misery.
"If you must pig yourself like the lard arse you are..."
I'm going to be sick again."
"It serves you right!"
"Was that a fart or did you just shit yourself?"
You will be pleased to know that two days on I feel much, much,
much better. However, I am still not 100%. My stomach feels
like one of those Cappuccino machines you find in steaming
coffee shops. It makes the same noises and I swear on my
life, when I
sit on the toilet and strain, it sounds just like I am
frothing up a cup with the steam nozzle. I half expect to stand
and grate chocolate into the toilet.
I will clean out my freezer tomorrow.
Siamack Salari is CEO of Everyday
Lives, recording human
behavior for commercial marketing.