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Love

The one I can't have
A jerk, a friend, or...?

By Khatoon
June 8, 2004
iranian.com

I bet that this must have happened to you too. I bet sometime in your life, you came across someone so special, so perfect and you wanted them so bad, that you would risk almost anything to make them yours. But I bet you again, that something happened and for some reason that is still kind of unclear to you, or maybe for your own good, you had to give them up.

It had been almost a year and a half since I had broken up with my EX and family and friends kept pushing me to start dating again. They even set me up or introduced me to some people, but every time I ended up disappointing them. I don't know, but somehow every time I had an excuse for not wanting the guy! One was too boring , with the other one, there was no chemistry, and.... But the truth of the matter was that my broken heart couldn't trust anybody, no matter how hard I tried.

But then one day, I met a guy who somehow managed to change all this for me. Only after few conversation on the phone and couple of dates, I found him actually interesting, different, kind, fun and extremely handsome. I felt so comfortable with him that even to my own surprise, I let him kiss me for the first time, shortly after we met. Once again I was happy and it felt so damn good to hear myself laugh at loud again. Although he was a little older, but we had so much in common and so much to talk about. Somehow he was working magic on me and it was easy to trust him! I enjoyed listening to his stories while trying to read those deep dark eyes of his.

One day I called him up from work to see what he had planned for us . He wanted me to join him for lunch at his house and then we could make plans together for the rest of the afternoon. I wasn't sure meeting in his place was such a clever idea, but as always, he made a jock about it and he promised not to poison me if I go there. After few seconds I excepted his invitation and drove to his place. When I got there, he was standing by the door and greeted me with a hug and a warm kiss . He asked me to take a look around the place. It was small, clean and nicely decorated. For a single guy, I had to give him an A+. He offered me a drink, and went back in to the kitchen.

Sitting on the couch, watching him, thinking to myself that my God, I can see myself falling for him! Oh! Even the thought of it scared me a little, so I got up, walk in to the kitchen and quietly stood next to him. He looked at me and while laughing he called me "Koochooloo" (baby). Then he put his arms around me and kissed me again . He was right , it was kinda funny! because I looked so short standing next to him without my shoes on! Me a 5 feet 1 inch girl, next to him, a 6 feet guy with such broad shoulders, I looked like a child standing there.

The food was ready! I couldn't eat, but watching him eat with such appetite was amusing to me! After lunch was over, he put some nice music on, came back and sat next to me.

This time it was me who found my way in to his arms. My goodness, it felt so safe, so calm and so far away from everything I had been trough in the past year. We talked for a while and I was telling him all about school and my next class which was in couple of hours, but before I knew it he had me wrapped around his arms so tight, that I felt like I am gonna be glued in to his chest, which I wouldn't mind at all at that time. He was kissing me and with every kiss, my heart was melting down, but at one point he stopped, looked in to my eyes and asked me to get up. I did as he said, then he took my hand and pointing his head toward the bedroom! Standing there unable to move or talk or even think, I knew that I had to say something. My answer was clear and I didn't really have to think about it! I said "no"!

He asked again, I just shook my head, said "No" again! My cold hand slipped out of his slowly. Somehow I managed to get back on the couch without slipping. We both were quite. He opened up the big window and lighted a cigarette. I didn't really know what I should do next, so I quietly waited till he was done with the cigarette. I had to break the silence that was chocking me up, so without thinking I trough the little pillow I had in my hand at him. He smiled and came sat next to me. with a calm , slow voice he asked me if I was ok.

I just looked in to his eyes and with few broken words explained it to him that I wasn't looking for a fling, but for a meaningful relationship. I wanted him to understand that I cared for him and he could trust me with his heart as I was going to trust him with mine. I told him that I needed to spend more time with him , to get to know him a little better and I asked if he could wait! He was still quietly listening to me and there I realized that it was gonna be a problem. He got my attention to the clock, it was time for me to go. I kissed his eyes before getting up and asked him to think about it for few days and call me back with an answer on Monday!

He hugged me once again and put a kiss on my left cheek!

In the classroom, I couldn't understand a word that was coming out of the instructor's mouth and I had such an urge for some fresh air, so I left the classroom, ran out of the building. Oh! The cold winter breeze, brought me back to life! It was only Thursday and you can probably imagine what I went through for the next couple of days. Finally, Monday came and he called.... God I had missed him so much.

He wouldn't really talk about it and I was loosing my patience, so I got bold and asked him :

-"So, did you think about it!?"

-"About what?"

-"Oh, come on, you know!?"

He got quite and my hands started getting colder.

He took a breath and said "You know, you are so sweet, so innocent, I can't do this to you, I wont be able to take care of you the way you deserve to be taken care of. I really can't give you what you want and I can never let myself to hurt you... so..."

I couldn't talk, just trying hard to fight the tears that were ready to start running down my face.

He continued, "But I will be here for you, anytime you need me! You know, I am a good friend! I really am and you can always count on me!"

Oh, I couldn't find the right words and I just said "kheyly badjensy!" And he answered me back "Na, age badjens boodam inaaro behet nemigoftam!"

I don't exactly remember how I managed to say goodbye and hang up the phone.

Now what do I have to do!? Ok. I will get over it... well, it's nothing compared to what I went through before! If I handled breaking off my engagement to a guy I loved with all my heart for four years, I can handle this too! A piece of cake!

Few days past by and I was really crushed, so I turned to my best friend who knows me better than anybody else and asked her for some advice! To my surprise, she asked me to sallow my Iranian pride, get in touch with him for the last time and let him know how I really feel.

I did as she said. I wrote him an email and poured my heart out to him in a few lines. Once again I was waiting to hear from him, but after a week past by, I gave up.

My finals were coming up and I was turning into such a mess. This was the last thing I needed, so I had to push myself really hard and get over it, but it was so hard! I really couldn't hate him, because he had been completely honest with me and I had nothing against him. For now, all I had to do was to take control and not let it bother me.

The only problem was that I knew sooner or later I was going to run in to him and I wasn't sure what was going to happen then!

This past and few months later I met him in a club, sitting next to a girl who looked much older. I was hoping that he wouldn't see me, but he did. I smiled at him and he smiled back at me. I wasn't going to do more, I even tried not to look that way!

Everything was going smoothly till I passed by his table. I really couldn't pass by him and pretend he was a stranger. She was gone so I went close and called his name. I wanted to shake hands but he hugged me. I just wished him a good night, but before I left , he grabbed my hand, and whispered into my ear, "I am sorry, I never returned your e-mail. You understand why! Right!?"

Oh! How could I tell him I never understood what he did?! But it was for the best to let it go! I clearly knew what I had done, was the right thing to do! I turned my face away, so he wouldn't be able to see my emotion. I just ran my fingers through his smooth hair and walked away!

When I got back home that night, I thought about him. How sad it was that out of all the guys I had met, I had picked the one I couldn't have! What a strange melancholy!

I knew it very well, that I will eventually see him again and maybe next time running away wouldn't be so easy! I had to make myself to face him, look him in the eye and talk to him just like any other friend of mine. I also knew this, that all of this could be possible if I stooped thinking about what had happened and just forget about it!

But it was funny that I kept being reminded of him everywhere I went. For some reason he would become the topic of many conversations that I would hear, even within my own family! Thankfully, it had nothing to do with me, because back then we both had agreed to keep this just between us! So I could quietly listen to what people had to say about him.

One day, I met up with some girls for a cup of coffee.They were talking and suddenly he became the topic of their conversation. One of the girls was going on and on about what a jerk he is and how he sleeps with all these girls and how her brother had warned her about him.

I was going to give her a piece of my mind and ask her, how come sleeping with all those other guys was ok with her brother!? By biting my lower lip I was trying to keep myself from talking; but then she went even too far by calling him a walking... penis. Ok. that was it! I grabbed my empty cup and said, "Well I don't think he forces or tricks any of those girls into sleeping with him. I am very sure they all do it by choice."

I stood up and walked toward the counter to get more tea. I could feel their suspicious eyes following me all the way through the end of the hall. After living the place, once again, I had been reminded why I do not enjoy spending time with Iranian girls. All they do is gossip, talk about people they don't even know or just trash the guy who dumped them for obvious reasons!

I don't know why I had defended him, but it felt incredibly good to keep all those girls in the dark. I was sure that I had given them a new subject to talk about!

My story kept getting more interesting until last week I was trying to help someone and I had used all my resources, except one! Well, he is a friend and there is nothing wrong asking a friend for help. Right!?

In a somewhat formal email, I explained to him why I was contacting him. I read the mail a few times, just to make sure it was ok and then sent it to him. Two days went by and there was no answer from him. To be honest, I was kinda happy inside. This could be proof to me that he isn't all he said he is -- or maybe he really is a jerk! But guess what!? Right on the third day I get an email from him, containing the answer to my question and best wishes for me in few friendly words.

Oh, damn it! Once more he had proved me that I was right about him. He really is caring, reliable and most importantly a good friend! I am happy that by saying no to a weak moment of temptation, I was able to get to know a person for who he really is. Now I really didn't have to worry about running in to him at all. Because I was sure that I had excepted him as a friend and finally had made my peace with the whole situation.

Few days a go, I had the chance to put myself through a little test! This past weekend, with some friends I went back to the same place that I had met him the last time. I was going to get a drink when I bumped in to him! He was standing on the corner all tall and handsome in black. I walked by him, said hi and shook his hand. He asked me if the information he had given me was useful and I thanked him again for his help and went back to my friends. In order to get to the dance floor I had to pass by his table and every time I tried to look away!

I thought to myself maybe if I am going to except him as a friend, I should act differently, more like a friend, cool and calm! I should get close to him without feeling anything and it surely was the best was time to prove it to myself once and for all that I was over him! I took a deep breath and this time before entering the dance floor I stooped by his table, stood right next to him and started a conversation.

I even invited him to dance with me and he said yes!

When we got to the dance floor, my heart started pounding , but I had to do this. I looked into his eyes and smiled at him. I have to say, he defiantly isn't the best dancer, but hey, if you got those dark, deep eyes in such a handsome face, I really don't think you need to know how to dance. After the song was over he grabbed my hand and we got out of the dance floor, he hugged me and softly kissed my cheek!

By the end of the night I was sure that I had passed my test! Now I am finally feeling calm and comfortable inside.

I remember once he told me that he was the biggest question mark I will ever come across. He surely was right about that one too! I guess I will never find out what really goes on underneath that calm face!

.................... Say goodbye to spam!

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