The one I can't have
A jerk, a friend, or...?
June 8, 2004
I bet that this must have happened to you too. I
bet sometime in your life, you came across someone so special,
so perfect and you wanted them so bad, that you would
risk almost anything to make them yours. But I bet you
again, that something happened and for some reason that is
still kind of unclear to you, or maybe for your own good, you
had to give them up.
It had been almost a year and a half
since I had broken up with my EX and family and friends kept
pushing me to start
dating again. They even set me up or introduced me to some
people, but every time I ended up disappointing them. I don't
know, but somehow every time I had an excuse for not wanting
the guy! One was too boring , with the other one, there was
no chemistry, and.... But the truth of the matter
was that my broken heart couldn't trust anybody, no matter
how hard I tried.
But then one day, I met a guy who somehow
managed to change
all this for me. Only after few conversation on the phone and couple
of dates, I found
him actually interesting, different, kind, fun and extremely handsome. I
felt so comfortable with him that even to my own surprise, I let him kiss me
for the first time, shortly after we met. Once again I was happy and it
felt so damn good to hear myself laugh at loud again. Although he was a little
older, but we had so much in common and so much to talk about. Somehow he was
working magic on me and it was easy to trust him! I enjoyed listening to
his stories while trying to read those deep dark eyes of his.
One day I called
him up from work to see what he had planned for us . He wanted me to join him
for lunch at his house and then we could make plans
together for the rest of the afternoon. I wasn't sure meeting in his place
was such a clever idea, but as always, he made a jock about it and he
promised not to poison me if I go there. After few seconds I excepted
his invitation and drove to his place. When I got there, he was standing by
and greeted me with a hug and a warm kiss . He asked me to take a
look around the place. It was small, clean and nicely decorated. For a single
I had to give him an A+. He offered me a drink, and went back in to the kitchen.
Sitting on the couch, watching him, thinking to myself
that my God, I can see myself falling for him! Oh! Even the thought
of it scared me a little,
so I got up, walk in to the kitchen and quietly stood next to him. He
looked at me and while laughing he called me "Koochooloo" (baby). Then he put
his arms around me
and kissed me again . He was right , it was kinda funny! because
I looked so short standing next to him without my shoes on! Me a 5 feet 1
inch girl, next to him, a 6 feet guy with such broad shoulders, I looked
like a child standing there.
The food was ready! I couldn't eat, but watching
him eat with such appetite was amusing to me! After lunch was over, he put
some nice music on, came back and
sat next to me.
This time it was me who found my way in to his arms.
My goodness, it felt so safe, so calm and so far away from everything
I had been trough in the past
year. We talked for a while and I was telling him all about school and
my next class which was in couple of hours, but before I knew
it he had me wrapped around his arms so tight, that I felt like I
am gonna be glued in to his chest, which I wouldn't mind at all at that
time. He was
kissing me and with every kiss, my heart was melting down, but at one point
he stopped, looked in to my eyes and asked me to get up. I did as he said,
he took my hand and pointing his head toward the bedroom! Standing there
unable to move or talk or even think, I knew that I had to say
something. My answer was clear and I didn't really have to think about it! I
He asked again, I just shook my head, said "No" again!
My cold hand slipped out of his slowly. Somehow I managed to get back on the
couch without slipping. We both were quite. He opened up the big window and
lighted a cigarette. I didn't really know what I should do next, so I quietly
till he was done with the cigarette. I had to break the silence that was
chocking me up, so without thinking I trough the little pillow I
had in my hand at him. He smiled and came sat next to me. with a calm , slow
he asked me if I was ok.
I just looked in to his eyes and with few broken
words explained it to him that I wasn't looking for a fling, but
for a meaningful relationship.
I wanted him to understand that I cared for him and he could trust me with
his heart as I was going to trust him with mine. I told him that I
needed to spend more time with him , to get to know him a little
better and I asked if he could wait! He was still quietly listening
to me and there I realized that it was gonna be a problem. He
got my attention to the clock, it was time for me to go. I kissed his eyes
before getting up and asked him to think about it for few days
and call me back with
an answer on Monday!
He hugged me once again and put a kiss on my left
In the classroom,
I couldn't understand a word that was coming out of the instructor's mouth
and I had such an urge for some fresh air, so I left the classroom,
out of the building. Oh! The cold winter breeze, brought me back to life! It
was only Thursday and you can probably imagine what I went through
for the next couple of days. Finally, Monday came and he called.... God I had
missed him so much.
really talk about it and I was loosing my patience, so
I got bold and asked him :
-"So, did you think about it!?"
-"Oh, come on, you know!?"
He got quite and my hands started getting colder.
He took a breath and said "You know, you are
so sweet, so innocent, I can't do this to you, I wont be able to
take care of you the way you deserve to be taken care of. I really
can't give you what you want and I can never let myself to hurt
I couldn't talk, just trying hard to fight the tears that were ready
to start running down my face.
He continued, "But I will be here for you,
anytime you need me! You know, I am a good friend! I really am
and you can always count on me!"
I couldn't find the right words and I just said "kheyly
badjensy!" And he answered me back "Na, age badjens boodam inaaro
don't exactly remember how I managed to say goodbye and hang up the phone.
Now what do I have to do!? Ok. I will get over it...
well, it's nothing compared to what I went through before! If I
handled breaking off my engagement to a guy I loved with all my
four years, I can handle this too! A piece of cake!
Few days past by and I was really crushed, so I
turned to my best friend who knows me better than anybody else
and asked her for some advice! To my surprise, she asked me to
sallow my Iranian pride, get in touch with him for the last time
and let him know how I really feel.
I did as she said. I wrote him an email and poured
my heart out to him in a few lines. Once again I was waiting to
hear from him, but
after a week past by, I gave up.
My finals were coming up and I was turning into
such a mess. This was the last thing I needed, so I had to push
myself really hard and
get over it, but it was so hard! I really couldn't hate him, because he
had been completely honest with me and I had nothing against him. For now,
all I had to do was to take control and not let it bother me.
The only problem was that I knew sooner or later I was going to run in to
him and I wasn't sure what was going to happen then!
This past and few months later I met him in a club,
sitting next to a girl who looked much older. I was hoping that
he wouldn't see me, but he did.
I smiled at him and he smiled back at me. I wasn't going to do more,
I even tried not to look that way!
Everything was going smoothly till I
passed by his table. I really couldn't pass by him and pretend he was
a stranger. She was gone so I went close and called his name. I
wanted to shake
he hugged me. I just wished him a good night, but before I left , he grabbed
my hand, and whispered into my ear, "I am sorry, I never
returned your e-mail. You understand why! Right!?"
Oh! How could I tell him I never understood what he did?! But it was for
the best to let it go! I clearly knew what I had done, was the right thing to
do! I turned my face away, so he wouldn't be able to see my emotion.
I just ran my fingers through his smooth hair and walked away!
When I got back home that night, I thought about him. How sad it was that
out of all the guys I had met, I had picked the one I couldn't
have! What a strange melancholy!
I knew it very well, that I will eventually
see him again and maybe next
time running away wouldn't be so easy! I had to make myself to
face him, look him in the eye and talk to him just like any other friend
of mine. I also knew this, that all of this could be possible if I
stooped thinking about what had happened and just forget about it!
But it was
funny that I kept being reminded of him everywhere I went. For some
reason he would become the topic of many conversations that I would hear,
even within my own family! Thankfully, it had nothing to do with
back then we both had agreed to keep this just between us! So I could quietly
listen to what people had to say about him.
One day, I met up with some girls for a cup of coffee.They were talking
and suddenly he became the topic of their conversation. One of the girls
was going on and on about what a jerk he is and how he sleeps
with all these girls and how her brother had warned her about him.
I was going to give her a piece of my mind and ask
her, how come sleeping with all those other guys was ok with her
brother!? By biting
my lower lip I was trying to keep myself from talking; but then she went even
too far by calling him a walking... penis. Ok. that was it! I grabbed my empty
cup and said, "Well
I don't think he forces or tricks any of those girls into sleeping
with him. I
am very sure they all do it by choice."
I stood up and walked toward the counter to get
more tea. I could feel their suspicious
eyes following me all the way through the end of the hall. After living
the place, once again, I had been reminded why I do not enjoy
spending time with Iranian girls. All they do is gossip, talk about
people they don't even know or just trash the guy who dumped them for obvious
I don't know why I had defended him, but
it felt incredibly good to keep all those girls in the dark.
I was sure that I had given them a new subject
to talk about!
My story kept getting more interesting until last
week I was trying to help someone and I had used all my resources,
except one! Well, he is a friend and there is nothing wrong
asking a friend for help.
In a somewhat formal email, I explained
to him why I was contacting him. I read the mail a few times,
just to make sure it was ok and then sent it
to him. Two days went by and there was no answer from him. To be honest,
I was kinda happy inside. This could be proof to me that he
isn't all he said he is -- or maybe he really is a jerk! But
Right on the third day I
get an email from him, containing the answer to my question and best
wishes for me in few friendly words.
Oh, damn it! Once more he had proved me that
I was right about him. He really is caring, reliable and most
importantly a good friend! I am happy that
by saying no to a weak moment of temptation, I was able to get to know a
person for who he really is. Now I really didn't have to worry about running
in to him at all. Because I was sure that I had excepted him
as a friend and finally had made my
peace with the whole situation.
Few days a go, I had the chance to put myself
through a little test! This
past weekend, with some friends I went back to the same place
that I had met him the last time. I was going to get a drink when I
bumped in to him! He was standing on the corner all tall and handsome in
black. I walked by him, said hi and shook
his hand. He asked me if the information he had given me was
useful and I thanked him again for his help and went
back to my friends. In order to get to the dance floor I had to pass by his
table and every time I tried to look away!
I thought to myself
maybe if I am going to except him as a friend, I
should act differently, more like a friend, cool and calm! I
close to him without feeling anything and it surely was the best was time
to prove it to myself once and for all that I was over him! I took a deep breath
and this time before entering the dance floor I stooped by
his table, stood right next to him and started a conversation.
even invited him to dance with me and he said yes!
When we got to the dance floor, my heart started
pounding , but I had to do this. I looked into his eyes and
smiled at him. I have to say, he
defiantly isn't the best dancer, but hey, if you got those dark,
deep eyes in such a handsome face, I really don't think you need to
know how to dance. After the song was over he grabbed my hand and we got
out of the dance floor, he hugged me and softly kissed my cheek!
By the end of the night I was sure that I had
passed my test! Now I am finally feeling calm and comfortable
I remember once he told me that he was the biggest
question mark I will ever come across. He surely was right
about that one too! I guess I will never
find out what really goes on underneath that calm face!
goodbye to spam!