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February 1, 2005

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My (gay?) future husband

Dear Abjeez,

Thank you for your very nice column. I have met an Iranian guy, and we are planning on getting married. However there is one thing. I am worried that he may be gay. On our dates I have noticed him checking out other men.

I know that within the Iranian culture homosexuality is not acceptable so gay Iranian men tend to lead a double life to please their parents and friends. I am getting a cold feet about marrying him.

I am terrified that he may be closeted homosexual. Unfortunately, homosexuality is frowned upon and this guy may not be accepted by his parents, family and friends. I know so many lives are ruin because our belief that everyone is automatically a heterosexual.

So, what shall I do? Because deep in my heart I know that his heart belongs somewhere else...



Abjee Fotty writes:

Dear FS:

If you are planning to marry someone, you should be able to share everything, we mean EVERYTHING, with them. At this point, you are planning to enter marriage with someone that you are too embarassed to discuss something as important as his sexual orientation!

You are right that closeted homosexual men often may lead double lives even being married with a family while pursuing men. The question is : Is that the kind of life you want ro are ready to accept?

It would be crazy for you to enter marriage if you have any doubts about your mate, and this is one big doubt.

This is not just a case of cold feet, there is a serious problem at the very foundation of your relationship. Talk to him and express your concerns. If there are any lingering doubts in your mind, do not marry him.

Abjee Pari writes:

Fotty, have you thought that maybe she loves him that is why she is marrying him? And that it would be very difficult to talk about this subject with him? What if she is wrong? Do you know the amount of hurt it would cause to him to have her bring this up?

Instead of accusing him upfront, perhaps it would be better if you two could enter some kind of pre-marital counseling. This is actually much more common than you would think. Many religious organizations provide them actually it is a must.

One thing Fotty is right about is that there shouls be a high degree of communication, trust and intimacy between you two. If at this point of entering into marriage, you suspect such a big degree of deception on his part, there may be some serious lacks in your relationship.

I would definitely postpone the wedding date until you have clarified not only the sexual orientation issue but also whether you have enough honesty and intimacy between the two of you to make a marriage last.

Our best wishes,


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