Force of nature
This month be as mean and evil as you can be
January 9, 2004
I want to be wicked, I want to tell lies. I want
to be mean and throw mud-pies.
I want wake up in the morning with that dark brown taste.
I want to see some dissipation in my face.
I want to be evil. I want to be mad. But more than that I want
to be bad.
I want to be evil and trump an Ace just to see my partner's face.
must have remembered to set the alarm before I died, cause at
7.30 sharp the CD player tuned in Eartha Kitt's "I want to be
Evil" this morning. Well yes, now that I'm back amongst the living,
I see why I too would want to be evil. In a world where Qaddafi,
Saddam and Kim are cooperating with the Bush-Blair administration,
one would certainly want to consider changing one's pre-fab.
factory setting from angel to devil.
You know, Eartha is one of those stars that glitter
and glow no matter how hard they try to hide behind glasses, big
I spotted her one Sunday as I was breezing through the Wexner
Art Center in Columbus and begged the staff to organize an
impromptu happening with her for the folks in the main gallery--
like me, had nothing to do but stare at postmodern art on a
Sunday. With a lady that classically evil, how could my simple
be considered improper?
She, of course, agreed. So she got
up on stage and purred a song or two in the vein of "Je Cherche
and "Let's do it". And when one of us asked her where she
learned to be such a purrfectly bad kitty, she got down on all
and stretched along the edge of the stage and showed us all
she's learned over the years from her own house cat. She
who is evil is truly one with the forces of nature.
So, here I am back to a world in which human evil
has been contained. The allied troops have found the most terrifying
the planet hiding sheepishly in a hole in the ground while
of the American president are reportedly managing to give
agents the slip on terrorism-red-alert days.
Today, a day
in which we celebrate the great power's commitment to solving
labor issues by generously granting 3 year amnesties to
foreign laborers who voluntarily identify themselves as such, it
would appear that all is cared for and that the only real threat
to humanity, the real evil resides in the forces of nature.
collide and bump up against each other like my hormones
day to kill another fifty thousand Iranians and destroy
an ancient stronghold in one blow. The whole race of Chinese
is exterminated in a week for being this season's source
of the SARS
And in the U.S. the mad cows are deemed the
only force capable of bringing the holiday eating binge to a
when even the Atkins diet looks to have failed the
spoiled and the obese. Evil has finally shown itself to be nature's
And that is as it should be. So this month let's get
down with Eartha and into some natural evil. This month be as
and evil as you can be.
Call your worst enemy at 7AM tomorrow and pretend that you're
calling from the New York Times sales department to promote
their new buy-a-week-get-a-week-free
offer. There is nothing like fiery combination of telemarketing
and sleep deprivation to make you feel like the whole world is
Agree to go to that gallery opening with the guy or gal who's
been turning the soft focus lens on you all month long, but
the full intent of leaving the gallery that evening with someone
Take your dear old mom out to the Vietnamese restaurant uptown
and forget to tell her that the eye catching red ringlets floating
in her Pho are red chili peppers. Watch the smoke rise. How long
has it been since you've been bad to you mamman?
Forward British Airway's "London for 350 USD" promotion to an
acquaintance who's been buried in some library finishing a
book and encourage
them to go for a celebration in England now with the exchange
rate at 1.89. Just don't mention the fact that the pound is
buying two (dollars), not the other way around. With friends
like Britain, why would the US seek out enemies especially
is second nature.
Wear sleeves and black on black to your next Persian party. It's
a toss up, isn't it, which Iranians enjoy most, laughter or mourning?
My guess is you'll have the whole room weeping profusely in no
time. So go on and tune in to national proclivities.
Next time you're at the theater on an opening night sit down
with your popcorn and take off your coat and hat. When the fifth
is about to start, get up and move, just to clumsily step on
everybody's toes. Then if you drag your coat across your neighbors'
and spill some popcorn in their hair while you're at it. Who
blame you? It's all about movement and gravity.
Set your VCR to record the CBS weather for today and play it
for your family instead of the weather report when they get
snacks during the news hour, two weeks from now. There's nothing
like knowing the weather weeks ahead of schedule to make you
look smarter than the weather guy.
Be the cordial, hospitable Persian that you are and offer to
have your boss sit facing the window on a beautiful, sunny
you're scheduled for a lunch meeting. Act like you don't notice
the sun in their eyes. What could you do after all, you managed
to jam the blinds last time you were there.
It's lunch break and your fat cubicle mate is out enjoying that
chelo kabab you too have been craving, but denying yourself because
of the mad cows. You have nothing better to do, so over to their
computer you go to set the mouse's double click speed to real
fast. If your cubicle mate is as obese as the one I have in
he is probably one of those who has to lift a whole hand off
the mouse for each click. Increasing the heart-rate will do
Eat the whole hot dog yourself while your neighbor's hyper dog
Just forget to call when you come back from a trip or better
yet, move to a new city and forget to give anyone your coordinates.
Pluck the petals off one of the dozen red roses you get when
you go on that auspicious date next week and pluck them like
involuntary reflex. It's good to keep them guessing. Is that
a sign of desperation, longing or psychosis?
To contact Madame Bayaz write to: firstname.lastname@example.org
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