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Force of nature
This month be as mean and evil as you can be

January 9, 2004
iranian.com

I want to be wicked, I want to tell lies. I want to be mean and throw mud-pies.
I want wake up in the morning with that dark brown taste.
I want to see some dissipation in my face.
I want to be evil. I want to be mad. But more than that I want to be bad.
I want to be evil and trump an Ace just to see my partner's face.

I must have remembered to set the alarm before I died, cause at 7.30 sharp the CD player tuned in Eartha Kitt's "I want to be Evil" this morning. Well yes, now that I'm back amongst the living, I see why I too would want to be evil. In a world where Qaddafi, Saddam and Kim are cooperating with the Bush-Blair administration, one would certainly want to consider changing one's pre-fab. factory setting from angel to devil.

You know, Eartha is one of those stars that glitter and glow no matter how hard they try to hide behind glasses, big hats and scarves. I spotted her one Sunday as I was breezing through the Wexner Art Center in Columbus and begged the staff to organize an impromptu happening with her for the folks in the main gallery-- folks who, like me, had nothing to do but stare at postmodern art on a Sunday. With a lady that classically evil, how could my simple request be considered improper?

She, of course, agreed. So she got up on stage and purred a song or two in the vein of "Je Cherche un Homme" and "Let's do it". And when one of us asked her where she learned to be such a purrfectly bad kitty, she got down on all fours and stretched along the edge of the stage and showed us all the moves she's learned over the years from her own house cat. She who is evil is truly one with the forces of nature.

So, here I am back to a world in which human evil has been contained. The allied troops have found the most terrifying dictator on the planet hiding sheepishly in a hole in the ground while the daughters of the American president are reportedly managing to give government agents the slip on terrorism-red-alert days.

Today, a day in which we celebrate the great power's commitment to solving the world's labor issues by generously granting 3 year amnesties to foreign laborers who voluntarily identify themselves as such, it would appear that all is cared for and that the only real threat to humanity, the real evil resides in the forces of nature.

Continental plates collide and bump up against each other like my hormones on a good day to kill another fifty thousand Iranians and destroy an ancient stronghold in one blow. The whole race of Chinese civet cats is exterminated in a week for being this season's source of the SARS epidemic.

And in the U.S. the mad cows are deemed the only force capable of bringing the holiday eating binge to a radical halt when even the Atkins diet looks to have failed the spoiled and the obese. Evil has finally shown itself to be nature's force. And that is as it should be. So this month let's get down with Eartha and into some natural evil. This month be as mean and evil as you can be.

Farvardin: Aries
Call your worst enemy at 7AM tomorrow and pretend that you're calling from the New York Times sales department to promote their new buy-a-week-get-a-week-free offer. There is nothing like fiery combination of telemarketing and sleep deprivation to make you feel like the whole world is against you.

Ordibehesht: Taurus
Agree to go to that gallery opening with the guy or gal who's been turning the soft focus lens on you all month long, but go with the full intent of leaving the gallery that evening with someone else.

Khordad: Gemini
Take your dear old mom out to the Vietnamese restaurant uptown and forget to tell her that the eye catching red ringlets floating in her Pho are red chili peppers. Watch the smoke rise. How long has it been since you've been bad to you mamman?

Tir: Cancer
Forward British Airway's "London for 350 USD" promotion to an acquaintance who's been buried in some library finishing a book and encourage them to go for a celebration in England now with the exchange rate at 1.89. Just don't mention the fact that the pound is the unit buying two (dollars), not the other way around. With friends like Britain, why would the US seek out enemies especially when capital is second nature.

Mordad: Leo
Wear sleeves and black on black to your next Persian party. It's a toss up, isn't it, which Iranians enjoy most, laughter or mourning? My guess is you'll have the whole room weeping profusely in no time. So go on and tune in to national proclivities.

Shahrivar: Virgo
Next time you're at the theater on an opening night sit down with your popcorn and take off your coat and hat. When the fifth preview is about to start, get up and move, just to clumsily step on everybody's toes. Then if you drag your coat across your neighbors' laps and spill some popcorn in their hair while you're at it. Who could blame you? It's all about movement and gravity.

Mehr: Libra
Set your VCR to record the CBS weather for today and play it for your family instead of the weather report when they get up for snacks during the news hour, two weeks from now. There's nothing like knowing the weather weeks ahead of schedule to make you look smarter than the weather guy.

Aban: Scorpio
Be the cordial, hospitable Persian that you are and offer to have your boss sit facing the window on a beautiful, sunny day when you're scheduled for a lunch meeting. Act like you don't notice the sun in their eyes. What could you do after all, you managed to jam the blinds last time you were there.

Azar: Sagittarius
It's lunch break and your fat cubicle mate is out enjoying that chelo kabab you too have been craving, but denying yourself because of the mad cows. You have nothing better to do, so over to their computer you go to set the mouse's double click speed to real fast. If your cubicle mate is as obese as the one I have in mind then he is probably one of those who has to lift a whole hand off the mouse for each click. Increasing the heart-rate will do him good.

Dey: Capricorn
Eat the whole hot dog yourself while your neighbor's hyper dog is watching.

Bahman: Aquarius
Just forget to call when you come back from a trip or better yet, move to a new city and forget to give anyone your coordinates.

Esfand: Pisces
Pluck the petals off one of the dozen red roses you get when you go on that auspicious date next week and pluck them like it's an involuntary reflex. It's good to keep them guessing. Is that a sign of desperation, longing or psychosis?

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