This is my advice column. You can submit your questions about relationship, sex, marriage, society or any other topic you want and I will answer from my (Iranian, male, 40’s, too few hairs on the head, few too many pounds on the body) most candid but often unique perspective.
“Need Help” writes: I’ve been cheating on my husband for about 2 years. Too complicated to explain but my marriage is boring and I have no way out. Speaking to my spouse or seeing a counselor isn’t an option. I am not happy with what I’ve done and I would like to stop. But I am enjoying the physical aspect of my relationship with the other man, who is also very unhappily married. We are doing this only for the sex. What should I do? Do I stop? My sex life will disappear. And I’m young. I don’t think that’s fair. Should I continue? It’s risky. I’m afraid.
Dear “Need Help”; I had to read your email several times, then read it again for several more times in hope of having something really original or brilliant to offer you. As you already know, there are really no easy answers. What I can tell you for certain is that your husband either already knows, suspects something or at some point will eventually find out. Have you considered how you’d handle it at that point? Maybe subconsciously you want him to find out as what you described as “a way out.” If not, then I have some advice you may not like but it’s the best I can do:
You described your marriage as boring and even unhappy. I am also assuming it is sex-less at this point. Well, guess what? You aren’t the only one with a boring, unhappy, sex-less marriage. In fact, most relationships experience a similar situation at some or several points. So, pull up your sox and get to work. If your husband is lacking in bedroom, take it upon yourself to guide him out of a slump or teach him how to please you. If it takes you finding out what he likes, do it and then use it. Take a belly or pole dancing class. For the next few months dedicate yourself to pleasing him with no return expectations. You’d be amazed at how eagerly he will return the favor after a while.
My point is, do whatever it takes to avoid the disaster and thrashing that is coming.
I know it’s easy to dismiss all of this. That is the lazy person’s way out. But nothing is going to change and no angel is going to descend down from the skies to fix your marriage problems aside from you and you alone at this point.
As for the “other man”, he’s probably in the exact situation as you and just waiting for somebody to tell him to stop taking the easy way out and deal with his issues, without you involved, sexually or otherwise.
I truly wish you the best and let me know how things work out.
If you wish to contact me with your own questions or observations, please write to eyeranian@gmail.com=
