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| January 16, 2003 There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's. REALIZATIONS Steven Wright's stand up comedy lines: 1. Food has replaced sex in my life, now I can't even get into my own pants. 2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was my blood alcohol content. 3. Marriage changes passion... suddenly you're in bed with a relative. 4. I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it... so I said "Implants?" 5. I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up fast. 6. Sign in a CHINESE Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea." 7. I have my own little world. But it's OK... they know me here. 8. I got a sweater for Christmas ... I really wanted a screamer or a moaner. 9. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal? 10. I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected. 11. The most precious thing we have is life..... Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value. 12. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's. 13. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Mary's. But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades... now THAT'S a message! 14. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. 15. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley. 16. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect. 17. I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been giving me lately! 18. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I have stayed alive. 19. If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway? 20. How come we choose from just two people to run for president, and 50 for Miss America? 21. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool? 22. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked? 23. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled. 24. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!" 25. The differences between snowmen and snowwomen are snowballs Sent by Sheila D Funny stuff, interesting stuff, important stuff, stupid stuff, all sorts of stuff... Have you got something for this page? Email it
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