SCENE ONE

LYSISTRATA
This is ridiculous! If they had been asked to come
To some festival, Oscars or even a dopey talk show-
We wouldn't be able to move for the limo's.
But as it is: deserted. Not a woman in sight.
Except_who's that over there? KALONIKE?
My Palestinian friend from New York.

Enter KALONIKE.

KALONIKE
God bless your mother, your father, how are you LYSISTRATA?
Esh fee ya What's the matter? What are you scowling about?
Your eyebrows look like they're ready to take off.

LYSISTRATA
Kalonike, it's women. They're getting me down. I
'm furious. Our husbands are quite right:
We are only good for one thing.

KALONIKE
But we are good at that.

LYSISTRATA
I sent out invitations, e-mails, to women every where.
SOMETHING REALLY IMPORTANT. COME AT ONCE.
And where are they? Tucked up in bed, asleep.

KALONIKE
They'll be here. You know how hard it is
For women to get out in the morning.
Feed the husband, dress the baby,
Pick up the nanny, drop off the laundry-
And if the husband's back hurts, well then,
You have to open the grocery store.

LYSISTRATA
Ay_ There's more to life than that!

KALONIKE
Lysistrata, habibti, what is it?
Why have you called us? Is it important?

LYSISTRATA
Something's come up.

KALONIKE
Ah. Big?

LYSISTRATA
Far-reaching.

KALONIKE
And they're still not here?

LYSISTRATA
It's sensitive.
I've been turning it over, night after night,
For weeks.

KALONIKE
No wonder it's sensitive.

LYSISTRATA
Tell me, Kalonike:
If women got together, united,
We could save the world.

KALONIKE
Been there, done that!

LYSISTRATA
Let's talk. War every where.
And this country's the world's biggest arms exporter.
How's it to end? Look at what we did to Iraq.
What's next? Bomb Iran?

KALONIKE
Well, if it's Tuesday we bomb Iraq,
If it's Wednesday, we bomb Iran.
We gotta try out our new weapons some where.

LYSISTRATA
Isn't it a shame, what happened to Yugoslavia?

KALONIKE
That's what happens when you cover up lies with more lies.

LYSISTRATA
The civil war in Rwanda and Zaire?

KALONIKE
Left-over garbage from the colonial times_

LYSISTRATA
Is your homeland Palestine to be thrashed?

KALONIKE
What little of it that's left, you mean.

LYSISTRATA
I suppose you don't care if my birth place Israel is smashed.

KALONIKE
With all the Jewish deli's in New York?

LYSISTRATA
What about Algeria, 300 killed in one night,
There isn't a word that fits.

KALONIKE: What do we know about their real issues_

LYSISTRATA
I know about south central L.A. (Los Angeles), the militia, WACO_
War outside, war inside, it's all the same.

KALONIKE
You got a point Lysi?

LYSISTRATA
If women from all over the world turned up here today,
Arabs, Israelis, Mexicans, Chinese., everyone _
Don't you think we could end war forever?

KALONIKE
How can women end war? Gucci silk dresses,
Channel hand bags, whatever Hillary had on that day,
That new Georgiou scent, that's all we know.

LYSISTRATA
That's all we need. Dreamy perfumes,
Fancy slippers, see through silk dresses _

KALONIKE
I don't understand.

LYSISTRATA
When I've finished,
No man will raise a weapon again.

KALONIKE
I could wear that Armani low cut_.

LYSISTRATA
Or throw a stone.

KALONIKE
That gorgeous cobble-stone-pattern bikini _

LYSISTRATA
Or run his tank in.

KALONIKE
I must buy a key lime tank top.

LYSISTRATA
That's what I want the women here for.
It's our turn to parade our weapon.

KALONIKE
If they'd known, they'd have flown.

LYSISTRATA
I'm not surprised that the Middle Easterners are late,
But our Chinese friends _

KALONIKE
Hard workers. You're right. That's odd.
They're usually up so early to do their Tai Chi in the park.

LYSISTRATA
I really expected the Mexicanas _

KALONIKE
Ah, they probably got stuck by the border.
You know those Immigration guys-

LYSISTRATA
Aha. Here's someone now.

KALONIKE
Oh yes. Puah! Where on Earth is she from?

LYSISTRATA
L.A. (Los Anegles).

KALONIKE: Could she put on any more perfume?

Enter MYRRHINE.

MYRRHINE
Am I too late, LYSISTRATA? I came
As fast as I could. You do look cross.

LYSISTRATA
You're late, Myrrhine. I said it was important.

MYRRHINE
Yes, well, you see, I was groping in the dark
for ages. I couldn't find my Gucci belt.
Anyway, what is it? I'm here now.

LYSISTRATA
We'll wait till everyone arrives. They're coming from every where_

MYRRHINE
Yes, so they are. Look: Lampito.

Enter women led by LAMPITO.

LYSISTRATA
Lampito, darling, how are things in Iran?
My goodness, you do look pretty _ um _fit. I can barely see your waist.

LAMPITO
It's my exercise plan. You grab the two ends, like this, You twist and twist and twist, six inches of fat gone just like this.

LYSISTRATA
Good for the figure. Ladies, look.

LAMPITO
No touching, please.

LYSISTRATA
And who's this young beauty here?

LAMPITO
The delegate from Chiapas.

LYSISTRATA
She certainly is well tanned. Such lush tropical forest.

LAMPITO
With exquisite treasures hidden inside.

LYSISTRATA
And who's this here?

LAMPITO
The lassie from Beijing.

LYSISTRATA
Nice noodles.

LAMPITO
Well now, who was it who called us here?

LYSISTRATA
It was me.

LAMPITO
What for?

MYRRHINE
Ooh, yes, Lysistrata, tell us everything.

LYSISTRATA
In a minute. You tell me something first.

MYRRHINE
Anything at all. Just ask.

LYSISTRATA
Just think of your husbands for a moment_
You know, the fathers of your children. Up at the front,
Everyone of them. Don't you miss them?

MYRRHINE
Mine's been away in the Persian Gulf for months.
Five months! Keeping an eye on them Islamic fundamentalists_
No offense love.

LAMPITO
None taken, jooni. Mine's at the Arms Expo, 97 in Abu Dabi.
Checking out the latest American designs.

KALONIKE
Mine keeps getting arrested by the Shin Bet, the Israeli secret police.
I see him more often on CNN here than I ever did back home.

LYSISTRATA
You see what I mean. No husbands, no lovers
To add wood to the fire.

MYRRHINE
No wood.

KALONIKE
If Fabio hadn't been deported, there might still have been
Eight inches of sheer ecstasy-

LYSISTRATA
Tell me, ladies, if I found a way to end war,
Would you do anything to help?

MYRRHINE
Oh yes. I'd slave my body,
If it would pay for a toast to Peace.

KALONIKE
Me too. For Peace, they could fry my buns
Like falafel, and sell them on the streets.

LAMPITO
If peace was at the top, I'd climb the Everest.
If a marathon, I'd run in five Olympics.
That'll show those Mullahs.

LYSISTRATA
All right, ladies. It's time to tell my plan.
If we really want our men to end war,
All we have to do is give up _

MYRRHINE
What?

LYSISTRATA: I can't. It's too much to ask.

MYRRHINE
Of course you can. Give up what? Our lives?

LYSISTRATA
No. Sex. What's the matter?
Where are you going? Don't turn away.
You're frowning. You're pale. You're crying.
Will you or won't you? It's now or never?

MYRRHINE
LYSISTRATA, I can't. Let war drag on.

KALONIKE
Out of the question, dear. Let war drag on.

LYSISTRATA
What? My own little falafel? A moment ago
You were prepared to have your buns fried.

KALONIKE
I don't mind frying. I'd walk through fire.
But not _ not that. Anything else.
Not that, dear. No.

LYSISTRATA
What about you?

CHIAPAS DELEGATE
Like she said. Fire.

LYSISTRATA
Frailty, thy name is woman. As someone said.
We just won't kick against the pricks.
LAMPITO, darling LAMPITO, it's up to you.

LAMPITO
It's a hard thing to ask.
We don't go to bed to sleep, in Iran.
Kick against the pricks, you say?
`been waiting for an opportunity like that for years.
Let Peace come first.

LYSISTRATA
Oh, you darling! The only real woman here.

KALONIKE
But even if we did give up _ give up _
And Allah forbid we should _ how would it work?

LYSISTRATA
Simple. We sit there_.
Wearing nothing but a dab of perfume_
Or perhaps one of those Victoria's Secrets' nighties_
We pluck and trim our entrances,
Like good little spiders_the flies come strolling in_
Caught! They're begging for it, hard-
And what do we do? We just don't want to know.
They'll be falling over themselves to give us peace.

LAMPITO
Like my brother when he's watching Bay Watch.
He keeps a newspaper on his lap the whole time.

KALONIKE
But what if they believe us? Turn round, march out?

LYSISTRATA
Then it's back to carrots, as the proverb says.

MYRRHINE
I never could stand proverbs. Or carrots.
What if they _ drag us into the bedroom _
Try to force us_

LYSISTRATA
Hang on to the door post.

MYRRHINE
What if they_smack our bottoms?

LYSISTRATA
Turn the other cheek.
Smile sweetly. There are a thousand ways.
Don't give them the pleasure. They'll soon give up.

MYRRHINE
If you really think we should_

LAMPITO
You can rely on our Iranian men,
One, two, three. We'll bring'em to heel.
But your Americans. Flabby lot. Who'll see to them?

LYSISTRATA
We'll stiffen them, don't worry.

LAMPITO
But why should they want peace? They've missiles,
And tanks, at such cheap prices, who can refuse.

LYSISTRATA
That's all in hand. We're going to nip it in the butt.
Capital Hill. Ours. Today. No more war funds, for us or anyone else.
There's a party of _ahem_older ladies on duty now.
While we strip for action here, they go up there.
They pretend they want to contribute- and bam!

LAMPITO
Bam, eh? I like the sound of that. What next?

LYSISTRATA
We swear an oath. A solemn, binding oath.

LAMPITO
Ready when you are. You name, we'll swear.

LYSISTRATA
Where's that CNN guy!

Enter REPORTER.

LYSISTRATA
Stop gaping, women. Set your camera here.
Get everybody. Don't shrink the numbers. Now, a leg of lamb.

KALONIKE
A leg of lamb? What sort of oath is this?

LYSISTRATA: A peace-oath. A lamb to sacrifice.
You remember.

KALONIKE: It's peace, habibi.
We can't use slaughtered lambs, specially in front of the camera.
They already call us barbaric.

LYSISTRATA
What else would you suggest?

MYRRHINE
A white horse would be nice.
I always feel I could do anything at all,
On a white horse.

LYSISTRATA
Have you got one handy?

MYRRHINE
Ooh. No.

KALONIKE
I know. We take a big, black bowl,
And a long-necked wineskin. We sacrifice_
We drink that lovely blood, and swear that oath.

LAMPITO
That's the oath for me!

LYSISTRATA
OK! Lose lamb. Bring bowl. Big, black.
And a nice bottle of Chianti.

MYRRHINE
Isn't he lovely?
I don't think I could refuse him anything.

LYSISTRATA
Put it down. Now, everyone take hold.
Persuasion, hear our prayers;
Help feminine affairs,
Our grand design,
As we pour the wine.

KALONIKE
What a gorgeous color. Look how it spurts.

LAMPITO
God, what a lovely smell!

MYRRHINE
Me first. Let me swear first.

KALONIKE
Please! There is a line.

LYSISTRATA
Stand in a circle and touch the bowl.
Say the words after me. Ready?
I swear I'll never let in my direction --

ALL
I swear I'll never let in my direction_

LYSISTRATA
A gentleman in full erection_

ALL
A gentleman in full erection_

KALONIKE
My legs have gone all wobbly.

LYSISTRATA
I'll sit at home in sheerest silk_.

ALL
I'll sit at home in sheerest silk_.

LYSISTRATA
Sweet-scented, skin creamy like milk_

ALL
Sweet-scented, skin creamy like milk_

LYSISTRATA
And if he tries to have me, I'll say no_

ALL
And if he tries to have me, I'll say no_

LYSISTRATA
I'll kick and scream, I'll struggle so_.

ALL
I'll kick and scream, I'll struggle so_.

LYSISTRATA
No legs arched high to touch the ceiling_

ALL
No legs arched high to touch the ceiling_

LYSISTRATA
No doggy-crouch, for extra feeling-

ALL
No doggy-crouch, for extra feeling-

LYSISTRATA
And if I yield, and break this vow_

ALL
And if I yield, and break this vow_

LYSISTRATA
No wine for me, but water now_

ALL
No wine for me, but water now_

LYSISTRATA
You all agree to this?

ALL
Yes, yes.

LYSISTRATA
Good. I'll consecrate this offering.

KALONIKE
Leave some for the rest of us.
Remember: all for one and one for_

(Tape)
THIS IS CNN, WORLD HEADLINE NEWS
At the top of the news this hour
Capital Hill has been captured by a gang of women
claiming to be members of OPERATION NO PENETRATION.

LYSISTRATA
This is our Q.
LAMPITO, darling, off you go: start things up
In Iran. Don't sell the movie rights yet.
We'll go inside, bolt ourselves in, get organized.

KALONIKE
But what if men attack straight away?

LYSISTRATA
Let them. They won't get past me.
Threats, shouts, fire, no way. Except on our terms.
If they want a piece, they must offer: peace.

KALONIKE
'Can't argue with a woman. They keep saying that.
So now they'll find it's true.

Exeunt, LAMPITO at the side, the others through the center doorway, which they close behind them.

Go to scenes Two & Three

Go to main "Operation No Penetration" page

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Copyright © 1997 Abadan Publishing Co. All Rights Reserved. May not be duplicated or distributed in any form.