April 21, 2003
So finally like an Olympic event that people in this country watch while conducting their routine chores during their dinnertime the Hollywood-like version of the Iraqi war is over. There is certain withdrawal associated with it you may agree. Well, another country got liberated so now they can live in total state of chaos.
You may wonder what happened to the 28-million population of Iraq? Where
in the world are they? All we saw on TV were these digital images of a
circle called Basra and then another circle called Baghdad and so forth
and so on. Fistful of people here and a few there. The other 27 million
must have been in their basement.
Then in the midst of it all CNN calls itself "the most trusted"
news network, immediately after being kicked out of Iraq. And even more
shameful is that CNN actually borrows images from the Aljazeera news network,
what most likely can win "the most mistrusted news network in the
Bush's popularity has certainly risen in Iraq. One cannot deny that one of the cultural benefits of this war is that many American soldiers became Karbalaee, which is an honor among the Shiite sect. Not all believers can make it to Karbala but these Marines did. In fact some suggest that they should change their motto and call themselves "Marines, the few, the Proud, the Karbalaees."
In fact former Iraqi Ambassador to the UN suggested and offered a mass
circumcision to be offered to the Marines at half the regular price at
any Turkish bath in Baghdad. But so far there has been no takers. But
please Lord, have pity on Iranians and don't let Imam Reza invite the
Marines to make them Mashdis as well.
Not a day had past Iraq's "liberation" when one of the opposition
leaders (Majid Khoei) got stabbed to death while a gang outside Imam Ali's
holy shrine shouted "Takbeer, Takbeer" and the poor American
soldiers guarding the sidewalks did not move a finger, thinking that somebody
is yelling "Taxi, Taxi". Meanwhile a grim multiple murder was
taking place a few feet away!
I bet $5 that the British Intelligence Service and the CIA are just itching
to put him in power in Iraq for a variety of reasons. Number one, he is
charismatic (wink, wink). Secondly, he smiles!! Americans love smiling
faces. Thirdly, when he reaches power he will push Iraq back another 600
years (Khomeini style). And most importantly, with him in power, the Anglo-American
coalition of future years could kick Iran's ass for exporting its Revolution
Don't forget that Saddam may have had a bad mustache but he was at least
a secular ruler. Iran has another decade to achieve a secular government.
And just because Khatami has a smiling face does not mean theIranian regime
is any better than Saddam. Saddam did not force drug addiction and
prostitution on millions of its people but Iran's government did and continues
to do so.
Take Mr. Pahlavi for instance. He wants to go and be a figurehead but not necessarily a lifetime Shah. He would be a Shah who would ask for the people's vote. OK no problem. Then Mohammad Zaher Shah went back to Afghanistan simply because opium is so expensive in London and his meager salary in exile was insufficient. So he returned to Kabul for his free ration and he said he did not want to hold any political power.
That reminds me that when a member of parliament in the former Pahlavi regime in Iran returned to Tehran from Paris a couple of years after the Revolution, they immediately arrested him at Mehrabaad airport and executed him. Before the execution, they asked him: "Why in the world did you return to Iran?" His answer was "Who can afford a cup of café au lait at five Francs?"
They asked Khomeini in his Air France flight from the holy city of Paris
to Tehran "what are your feelings now that you are returning to Iran"
and the old man responded: "nothing!" I think if there is one
word the old man ever uttered that one could trust was that word "nothing."
He had no feeling going back to Iran. And today we see the result of his
Well, the British economy is in such shambles that they need as many
contracts as America can throw at them. UN's "Oil for Food"
program is now going to be "Oil for Food, Etc". Iraq has to
turn the valves wide open for the next three decades just to pay off the
coalition forces at minimum wage $6.75 an hour to watch the streets of
Baghdad during the next few months of martial law.
But I wonder if I would rather watch Bob Dole and Bill Clinton's 5-minuet
Sunday debates on 60 Minutes, which makes me think of only one
thing: Viagra. It's hard to focus on what they say. Bob Dole is using
Viagra and he admits it in his TV ads. And Clinton still uses cigars.
Well, to each its own. Somehow I cannot focus on what they say and I get
distracted by the subliminal messages. Cigar or Viagra, back and forth.
Another reason they offer is that 65% of the Iranian population is young, which only means trouble -- but not a great force in a digital war. They fail to disclose that of that 65%, perhaps 20% are drug addicts, another 20% are too deep into Rumi and extra terrestrial schools of thought, and 20% want to get a visa by any means possible to get the hell out of that oppressed country. The remaining 5% will fight to death.
As the old Persian saying goes: "Don't entangle your butt with the bull's horn." Khomeini took our land with a flick of a switch. Don't encourage another one. The US is constantly searching for weapons of mass destruction, or WMDs. Iranians know well that such weapons that the West is so paranoid about are basically nothing more than certain gases such as Andol and Scatol readily available in our digestive tracts. These WMDs have ruined lots of lives and forced happy marriages into divorce and torn families apart and broken friendly relationships in most Middle Eastern countries. The Greeks have not been immune either. That is what UN inspectors were looking for.
Remember you read it here first . We now offer you a recipe to build
one of these weapons which produce gasses that cause massive destruction:
Let the whole thing simmer for another three hours. Serve with pita bread and raw onions and feed as many people as you can. Stand back and watch in shock and awe the gasses of mass destruction ruin family lives, demoralize children and disturb neighborhoods and make people flee from city buses, theatres and public buildings.
We will be back next week with a recipe for Molotov Cocktail, also known as Koofteh Berenjee.
Farrokh A. Ashtiani is the webmaster of PerianParadise.com. He wants to be known as a gardener for life and then after, nothing more. He believes that our highest achievements in life will be dwarfed by shadows of those trees that we have planted.