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 I am a championThird and last part of Reza Pahlooi's travel to Tehran >>> Part 1 >>> Part 2 By Ramin Tork July 25, 2002 The Iranian In the security office they had surveillance cameras for every corner of the airport. There were more security measures than a Vegas Casino. We entered an interrogation room and the short man pointed to another officer, and he took over, he looked as hard as nails this fellow, and did not look like the type to take too much bull. He asked who I was and a few other routine questions. Then he asked what I did. "I'm a teacher. I teach history, chemistry and sports to kids," was my reply. He opened up the cases, and picked up my snap shots and flicked through the photos. Then picked a revealing picture of Sarah on a sandy beach. There she was in her full glory, proud of her womanhood and showing off her bosoms in that bikini like she was the goddess of fertility. "Tell me are you a Muslim?" he asked. "Sir, I have people waiting for me. If you could be kind enough to call my uncle over, he would sort out this misunderstanding." "I have no misunderstanding. Is your father a Muslim?" "He has passed away." "Just answer the questions. Are you a Muslim?" he asked with a strong tone. "Yes sir, I am." "Then how comes you carry filth like this photo around?" "Sir, that is not filth, that is my wife." "If you valued her chastity, you wouldn't have your woman running around naked would you? So it is filth (Agar naamoos daashti, zanet lokhto pati vel nemigasht. Mighasht? Pas faaheshast)." Then I had another thought. Oh Dear God, not the videotape. Anything but the videotape! Don't let me get into trouble for a bloody videotape. I will give up sex for two months, OK let's be realistic, for one month if this guy doesn't give me hell for the tape, I pledged with the almighty. The officer picked up the videotape. I guess a month was not enough in God's opinion. It was the Khordadian dance video, The Very Best of Iranian Gher-too-Kamar Dancing. He then turned to me and said, "So you are also a dancer, Ye? (Raghaass ham ke hasti. Aareh?). Wait here a while," he whispered, and then left the room and locked the door from outside. What a jerk I thought. I looked on the desk and there was a newspaper to keep me occupied. Well, let see now. We have the balony section, and then there is Khatami going off to yet another foreign visit to pay bribes to keep Mullahs in power. This time it is the United Arab Emirates. I guess he wants to give those islands away. Then we have the World Cup results ... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz ... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz ...' The Football Game Good afternoon ladies and Gentlemen today we have a deciding match between Iran and the International side. The weather is excellent, and our venue is Wembeley. In the commentary box you have me Trevor Brooking and Gary Liniker. I think we are looking forward to an excellent match between these two teams. Trevor: So, what do you think of the outcome Gary. Gary: I think the odds are even Trevor. We've seen the Iranian side play some great football in the past but I don't know how they weigh against this new International side. Trevor: And they are off. Cyrus the Great the Iranian Captain has the ball, and oh my goodness! He's passed the Greek defender and what a shot straight into the goal. Gary: What a start within the first five minutes of the game. He's a good lad Cyrus. I saw him telling off the Babylonian player when the Babylonian did a professional foul on the Jewish player in the other match. Trevor: He's passing the ball to Darius the Great. He's bringing it back and shoots it off the post. Yes. I can't believe this. They've scored a second goal, and so soon in the game. Gary: At this rate I think we'll see the Iranians play against the Brazilians. Trevor: Darius passes the ball to his sons. Ohhhh. What a tackle. The Greek striker has possession. Look he's passed the ball through a tight corridor of defense and managed to get to the nine yards. Oh my goodness! What a goal! Gary: I saw this kid Alexander the Great play the other day. I couldn't believe my eyes. He moved so fast towards the defense, they didn't stand a chance. I think he's going to be sold to Inter Milan for a rather handsome figure. He is only nineteen years old. What a talent. Trevor: OK. We see Ashk the 1st pushing the ball from the defense. He is being pushed back to his own field, and off he goes. Look at him run. That is what I call counter defense. Gary: Ever since the Iranian side got their new coach, they have adopted new defensive tactics it is called attack and run. Trevor: Now he is passing the ball to his side. Look at them go. Ashk the 2nd, the 3rd and 4th Finally. It is Sasanian who has the ball. Gary, what do you think of this player then? Gary: He started well, but I've heard that he is not fit anymore -- thanks to booze, women and drugs. Trevor: Who do we have here then? It's Muslim. Gary: I don't know him Trevor, but I think he saw an opportunity there and managed to outwit Sasanian. I guess Sasanian has not recovered from his injuries, despite what his manager thought. It is hard to believe that the Iranian defense just let Muslim roll the ball past them. Trevor: Now we have the other International players making the most of the opportunity. Is that Chinese on the substitution bench warming up, Gary? Gary: No. That is not Chinese. That's Jingis. Jingis Khan. He is an outsider but when he plays, heads roll! Trevor: Looks like the Iranian side is also bringing in some substitutions. Gary: We've seen some great defense work from the Iranian side against the Arab strikers. I liked the combination of Abu Muslim Khorasany, and Babak Khoramdeen. What a player. And Jacob the Lace. I think if I had to choose between Babak and Maldini for my club, I would choose Babak. Trevor: And there goes the half time whistle. What do you think of the match so far? Gary: A really enjoyable game, so far. We've seen some excellent tackles, good defense work, but I think thisInternational team is a tough nut to crack. Trevor: We take a break, and we'll go through the highlights so far after the break. Commercial Break: If your car has run out of petrol, which oil station do you trust? We have merged the Seven Sisters into four to give you a cheaper and more reliable product. So next time you fill up the tank, think right. Think four sisters, because we go as far as places like Afghanistan and Azerbaijan to fill up your tank. Trevor: And we are back for the second half. Well, I can tell you. We've had a very exciting first half. And the ball is kicked off by the Arab front. It Looks like Safavid is fighting for possession. Gary: I never liked Safavid, Trevor. I think he is more concerned about putting up a good facade than play good football. He is a bit like Beckam but without the talent. Trevor: I don't like his sponsor -- this Mullah's Inc. You would think that if you were producing biohazard waste you would keep it quiet and not advertise it on TV. Gary: I think we are beginning to see the Iranian side struggling a bit in this second half. Trevor: We see some passing back and fourth but no real play, but wait a minute... I think the Iranian striker Nadir Shah is charging with the ball. Look at him go. He's passing the Indian goalkeeper and yes! It's a goal! Goal, Goal Goal! Gary: I thought the Iranians almost lost it. He really ran away with the Indian player's family jewels, Trevor. Trevor: Ball in play again. This time it's in the hand of less experienced defenders. Zandian. Zandian makes a pass to Qajar.  Gary: He's a useless lad. This Qajar. Did you here about the
bribery allegations, Trevor?Trevor: Yes, I can't remember if it was an English or a Russian club which payed him to lose ground on the penalty area. If it weren't for the charity work of their club manager, Amir Kabir, he would have kissed the game goodbye. Looks like his teammate Reza Khan is taking over the ball and telling him off. Reza Khan Pahlavi is pushing the ball forward like he is riding a train convoy, Gary. Ohhhh and the English referee didn't like that. No! He didn't like that. Reza got too close to the German player, Adolph Hitler. Gary: Can't say I saw that Trevor, but I've seen this ref pass some funny judgements on some players. Trevor: The English referee is discussing what happened with the Russian and the American lines-men. Gary: He looks a bit plump to me for a Ref, and look at him smoke that Churchill Cigar. Trevor: Don't judge a book by its cover Gary. Looks like the Iranian side is making another substitution. Looks like Dr. Mossadegh has the ball. He passes it to the new substitute Mohamed Reza Shah Pahlavi. Mossadegh is pushing the ball, makes a pass over the English defense. The English player didn't see that coming. Is it a goal? Oh No... Shah is off side! Shah is off side! Gary: I don't know why Shah is upset with Mossadegh, Trevor. I thought that was a perfectly good pass from him. Trevor: Shah is getting ready near the penalty area. I can't believe it! He has gone offside again, for the second time, Gary. Gary: Yes, he is an eager lad, but not a team player. It looks like he keeps leaving his own team behind, and the International side saw the weakness. Trevor: I think he is having a clash with the American lines-man over the offside. Oh, no! The English Ref is not having such behavior on his pitch. Looks like Red card for Shah. He is being sent off! I can't figure out if the Iranian crowd is angry with Shah or the American lines-men or the English Ref. Gary: Who is this guy, Trevor? Trevor: I think he is Mullah Gary. I saw him play for an English club. He plays well for the English clubs but never seen him play well for his National side.  Gary: But I thought he was a coach, not a player,
Trevor. Trevor: He said he would leave the pitch and come back as a coach, but he never did Gary. I guess with the Iranian side being down in numbers, anyone will do. Ohh! That looked nasty. The Iraqi player has just tackled him. That must be a foul surely? Gary: I think Mullah is faking injury; he wants to get a free kick, Trevor. It was a real tackle, but he doesn't look too hurt. Trevor: What err... Mullah has just scored an own goal! Gary: I've got to say this. I haven't seen a bad player like this Mullah, since Taliban, Pol Pot, and the game in Rwanda. Trevor: I think I see an Iranian player protesting. Yes. That is Namaky. He is a junior player. I think the female assistant coach is telling him off. Something to do with Namaky leaving the seven sides of defense wide open for Mullah to come in. Gary: I think Namaky is protesting that the coach let Mullah in, or is it the other way round. Trevor: I can't believe it Gary. Mullah is getting into a fight with Namaky now. Mullah is a big fellow; he is beating up the poor kid senseless. I think he is pouring Hydro Chloric Acid down Namaky's throat to make him disappear. Look at the English ref and the German player just standing there laughing, it's bloody disgraceful. Mullah is behaving like he is playing on the International side. Gary: Looks like the Iranian crowd is seriously cheesed off with this Mullah fellow. I think they are saying, "Leave the boy alone in Farsi. What do you want from this kid? (Pesare beechareh ro velesh kon. Az jooneh bacheye mardom chee meekhaai?)". Trevor: Looks like the Iranian crowd is going to walk on the pitch. They've had enough of this bad behavior, Gary. Look at them holding bloody T-shirts of their home team, and I don't think the Hezbolite and the extra Arab security is going to stop them. Look at that fellow dancing in the crowd, Gary. Shakila, eat your heart out! I think it's that dancer, Khordadian. He looks so happy and gay dancing on the terraces. Gary: I think he is... happy, Trevor. He's got the support of the crowd. Who is that fellow leading them to the pitch? Is that Prince Pahlavi? Trevor: No Gary, I think this guy is Pahlooi. He is a commoner. This Iranian crowd can stand up on their feet, Gary. They don't need any princes to do that, but I am sure the prince is in the crowd waiting to see what is happening along side other spectators. Look, Namaky has stood up; he looks a bit more sobered up now. He is grabbing hold of Mullah and hanging him by the goal post. You wouldn't believe the kid had it in him. Would you? Gary: Listen to the crowd shouting this fellow, Pahlooi's name. The crowd: Pahlooi! Pahlooi! Wake up for your people, Pahlooi. Wake up for Namaky's sake, Pahlooi. Wake up for God's sake, Pahlooi... "Mr. Pahlooi. Mr. Pahlooi. Wake up Mr. Pahlooi your uncle is here to take you away," whispered the short sun burnt officer.  "Uncle! I am so pleased to see you. You are not
going to believe how pleased I am to see you.""Were you having a nightmare?" He asked. "Well, It was a nightmare, but it ended up being a beautiful dream." I guess sitting in that car and leaving Mehrabad Airport, I had one final thought. I had arrived as a Western tourist but was leaving as an Iranian champion, but then again only in my dreams! Only in my dreams! The End >>> Part 1 >>> Part 2
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