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April Fools
Washington to establish United States of Iran
U.S. appoints James Rubin as governor of Iran
By Fred Goozman
April 1, 2003
The Iranian
The Bush Administration has declared Iran's Islamic regime in violation of United
States Resolution FU-UN 142 and accused that country's ruling mullahs of destroying
millions of barrels of Shiraz wine. This afternoon President George W. Bush sent
a letter to leaders of Congress detailing America's plans for an immediate Allied
military campaign against Tehran.
The President's letter, released by the White House, reads:
"... For nearly a quarter of a century, tyrants in Tehran have repeatedly
defied the wishes of the international community for the free flow of Shiraz wine.
Despite all our diplomatic efforts to find a peaceful solution to this threat to
our national and world security, Iran's ruthless mullahs have rejected our final
offer to either drink with us, or be dunked by us.
"Therefore, the United States has built a broad international coalition consisting
of Malta and Halliwineburton with the intention of enforceing Resolution FU-UN 142
which demands the immediate resumption of wine exports.
"We warn the Iranian regime NOT TO SET FIRE TO THE VINEYARDS. Any attempts
at destroying these precious lands, which belong to the people of Iran, of course,
will only strengthen our resolve and result in even greater punishment against the
perpetrators.
"When our courageous forces liberate that oppressed nation and establish
the free and democratic United States of Iran, former U.S. Assistant Secretary of
State James Rubin will rule the country as its governor to ensure stability in international
wine markets."
Contacted at his home, Rubin confirmed his appointment. "I'm extremely honored
to have been chosen by the President to serve my country and bring freedom, democracy,
and every other good thing, to this vital region of the world," he said.
White House sources say Rubin was offered the governorship of Iran because of
his intimate knowledge of that country through his wife, CNN Chief International
Babbler, Christiane Amanpour. "All I can say is God bless America," she
said in reaction to her husband's appointment. "This is Christiane Amanpour
reporting complete loss of journalistic credibility and integrity," she added.
In Tehran, the regime's response to President Bush's road map to so-called United
States of Iran has been rather confusing. "Qadametoon roo cheshm,"
("Please stick it to us. Please, please!") said Iranian leader Ali Khamenei
in a letter to the U.S. president. Iran's supreme ayatollah, wrote,
 "... I will be honored to hand over all powers to the representative
of the greatest, most tolerant, most wise, most sincere, most caring, AND most powerful
nation on earth. God knows how thrilled I was when I heard your letter read on CNN
-- the most trusted name in news. I opened the window and yelled, 'May God destroy
us all for being such fools. God bless America.'
"Mr. President! We have made Iran a living helll for our people, we have
stripped them of their human dignity, played with their lofty aspirations, eliminated
and imprisoned our critics in the thousands, slammed false, extreme, idiotic and
thoroughly medieval laws down people's throats in the name of God, ruined the economy,
proudly transformed Iran and Islam into two of the most hated names in the eyes of
world public opinion and still refuse to give our own turbaned president the authority
to pass sweet gas without the consent of my ruling circle of small-minded, ruthless,
stubborn, morons.
"Therefore, Mr. President, the time has come for us to pay the price. We
repent! We submit to your awesome will. In the words of a great Persian poet, "Ghalat
kardeem, goh khordeem." ("We're sorry. Really sorry.")
Iran experts at U.S, intelligence agencies have not yet confirmed the authenticity
of the letter. They say they stopped trying to understand the real intentions of
Iran's leadership a long time ago, and frankly they don't give a damn any more. "It's
time to kick butt," said one senior administration official. "The United
States has a monopoly on the truth and we're going to bomb the living hell out of
any country that refuses to implement what we know is right."
 Meanwhile
people around the world -- other than those shown on CNN, the most trusted name in
news -- remain in shock. They cannot believe their planet is literally crumbling.
Leaders of the free world are acting like messianic tyrants while religious madmen
and vicious dictators claim moral superiority and enjoy growing popularity among
angry masses.
"Is there anyone on any side of global conflicts prescribing anything other
than death and destruction?" said one observer. "All we see is vengeance,
hatred and daily erosion of common sense and compassion. The world has become a deadly
battleground for the worst of us against the worst of them. What an ugly spectacle.
How utterly terrifying that the fate of humankind is in the hands of those who see
not even in black and white, but only in black. Come to think of it, some Shiraz
wine might do us good. Cheers to life, love, hope, peace, common sense, and the human
spirit."
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