The fight against yourself
January 26, 2005
Have you ever stopped to admire an old church or any other kind
of old monument famous for its architectural design? Have you ever
wondered how they could have build something so amazing which can
downright scare you with the power that emanates from it? In the
old days I used to just admire them like a tourist as if seeing
them for the first time, but now I also realize that it might have
taken a lifetime to build these artifacts but that they could be
destroyed in a matter of minutes. What does this mean? It can mean
a lot of things especially when applied to the concepts we build
for our own lives.
Life is always full of surprises. Some you might see coming and
some you might not even dream about in your worst nightmares. I've
had my own share of fun and horrifying surprises but I don't
think anything prepared me for the ultimate blow that I got a couple
of weeks ago. A year ago I was still engaged to one of the most
honorable men that you could find nowadays and due to various reasons
we mutually decided to end it and remain friends. What is my life
like now? Well read on and judge for yourself.
A couple of months after my breakup, I found myself in another
relationship which was of a very different nature. I had gotten
involved with my best friend whose concept of marriage and commitment
were on a completely different level from mine, almost nonexistent
in his mind I should say. So what was I doing with him? That is
a very good question. Loneliness can be your worst enemy at times.
Having been friends for close to three years we knew of each others
habits and tastes. We knew things about each other that ordinary
couples who start dating right away never find out about each other.
So in some ways it is good because it allows you to fall into
a relationship naturally if there is some compatibility, but
same time it will disadvantage you in ways which can be destructive
and unhealthy. Imagine being with someone whose mind you can
read and whom you constantly catch in flirtatious acts or looks
others. Imagine if you constantly catch this person telling white
lies to you as well as others.
After a while it starts to eat
you up from inside, it becomes burdensome to have so much negative
information about someone whom you are attached to and respect.
It really makes you question yourself and for the longest time
I thought that I might have become overly sensitive especially
since I had previously been in a very different relationship
my partner at the time had eyes only for me, and only for me.
In the end despite numerous arguments, I would always calm myself
down and let things go, convincing myself that things will get
Then one evening as I was eating out with my current partner,
I asked him what he had planned for the rest of the night. After
knowing someone for such a long time you can tell from their
gestures and facial expressions when they are not being truthful
And that night I knew. I knew that he was lying to me and after
confronting him about it, he swore to me on his grandmother's
head that he was not lying to me. What would you have done?
enough things to deal with in my life and for once I thought to
myself that I would not question him and his honesty. I thought
that I should have more faith in him. Now looking back at it all,
I see how naïve I was to have questioned my own instincts
but at that particular moment I had put all that aside and put
the meaning of trust to the test.
We parted and he went his
own way and I went back home. But something within me would not
rest. Something within me would just not rest.
I spent the following day with him and he seemed different. He
was gentler and a lot calmer. It was strange but not something
I paid too much attention to obviously, since I was just enjoying
the peaceful moment we were sharing.
But I could still not rest
that evening. So I did something which goes against my own morals,
something which I felt had become a necessity for me. I asked
one of my genius friends to hack into my partner's account. And
there I found it. The proof I was afraid of finding one day.
was it? An e-mail from a girl who was basically thanking him
for the evening that they had shared together, intimately. The
e-mail was very long and very detailed and reading it was the most
event that I have ever experienced. I have been through a lot
pain in my life both physically and emotionally but nothing had
prepared me for this blow. I called him and confronted him but
what would he say to me besides trying to calm me down by feeding
me with some kind of lie. I had a nervous breakdown and ended
up going to the hospital where they had to drug me heavily to
During all of this I had my closest friends and my family
over me and even though they tried to protect me from his
presence he managed to find his way back into my life. He took
me during that time, that I will not deny but because of all
that I was taking I could not fight him and throw him out
of my life.
Three weeks have almost passed now since then and I still can't
rest. My face is still as wet as it was the night I found out about
his unfaithfulness. Even though he has finally admitted to certain
things, he is still keeping the biggest and most important thing
from me. At this point knowing the truth or not having been told
the truth directly, does not make a difference. I know. I know
what he did. The pain I feel in my heart can not be remedied. Now
I understand the true meaning of a broken heart.
Every time I look
at him I feel immensely happy to see him for a split second but
then I remember what he did and I feel hatred towards him. Pure
raw anger and tanafor. This is what they mean when they say that
there is a thin line between love and hatred. In my mind I know
that things will never be the same between us anymore, every
time he speaks to me I wonder whether he is telling me the truth.
tells me that he regrets what he did and will do all he can regardless
of how long it takes, to regain my trust. I believe him but in
my heart I know that things don't work out that way in real
life and that it might not be enough.
Look at me, I have accepted
him back into my life temporarily, against the advice of
others, and even though I am truly trying my best I cannot
I cannot forget. I might be able to forgive if I haven't
already, but I will never forget. I know that I deserve better
in life than this and that I should not be wasting my time with
someone who gave in to temptation and let his own weakness hurt
someone else so much that they will be scarred because of it
for life. Can I really count on him for anything after this?
I also know though that things are not always as black and white
as we would like for them to be. God knows I have tried to leave
him, but a part of me is trying to pick up the pieces of whatever
kind of relationship/friendship we had built for ourselves during
all these years. It's as if you bring a child into this world,
which you feed and watch growing and one day with an eye blink
you look around you and no longer see them. All the time, energy,
effort and love put into this new creation can seem like a treasure
box which can never be opened and robbed. But you might wake up
one day and find yourself disappointed and empty in every way possible.
I was never someone to regret my own actions. I always believed
that so long as I was the only person who was making honourable
decisions for my own life and not letting someone else do it, I
could never regret having made those decisions. But I was wrong.
I actually regret having given a part of myself to someone who
not only did not deserve it but who very intentionally destroyed
me. It makes me sick to my stomach to even think that someone could
be so caring and so evil at the same time.
So remember, don't
just think about what you are doing to others when making a decision.
Make sure you think about what you are doing to YOURSELF first
and foremost because a lot of times we know exactly what kind
of mess we are getting ourselves into yet we try to overlook that
minor detail, hoping to be proven wrong one day. Trust your instincts
and let them guide you in life.
With all the technology and advances
we have made, we have not progressed very much from the time
of the cavemen because all our actions are still primarily fueled
by our own selfish desires and the only thing which can be used
to protect oneself against these desires within yourself and
is your instinct. Even though we spend years and years discussing,
reading and researching on higher level cognitions, in the end
our actions are just as raw and animalistic as those of our ancestors.
I do not want talk about afterlife and whether one should believe
in it or not, but I do believe that we create heaven and hell for
ourselves on this earth. So protect yourself because you are your
own best friend. And until you realize that you will always be