Satire * Support iranian.com * FAQ * Write for Iranian.com * Editorial policy Haft Khaan Esmaal Aghaa's Matrimonial Guide By Esmaal Aaghaa January 1, 2003 The Iranian In response to Azam Khanoom's advice on how to "woo a middle-aged Iranian woman", here's my effective EEROOONEE Haft-Khaan Matrimonial Guide: Chegooneh az Saro-Kalleh Zadan beh Saazo-Kel Zadan Bereseem. Khaan-e avval: Avalleh aashenaaii First thing you do is a very "Salaamo aleykom, caakerim haaj khaanoom." Do NOT look her straight in the eye. Sar bezir. Sharmo-hayaa, aaberoo hey-siyyat baayad hefz besheh!! For added warmth grab her lop, mildly squeeze it and say "Chettttouri Goozoo?" Make sure taraf sefid-mefid topol-mopol baasheh before you attempt this. Agar kayf kard and blushed, you are on the right track. Begoo ey-vallaa! Agar torsh kard and started talking about hoghoogheh jenseh mo'annas, bi-khiaal aaghaa, bi-khiaal. Khaan-e dovvom: Khodemoonee shodan In order to break the ice, you need to show some initiative. aakheh mardi goftan... zanee goftan... Taragh bezan dareh maa-taht-e marbooteh va boland begoo: "AJAB HEKAAYATIYEH!" Agar goft "evaa... khaak besaram... haaj aaghaa injaa jaash neest"... ey vallaa!! Agar goft "Stop it / What did you do? / Don't touch me!" and other jiberish, bi-khiaal aaghaa, bi-khiaal. Khaan-e sevvom: Sharaayeteh khaanoomeh marbooteh Bepors "Baladeh mora'ssa'a-polo bepazee?" Agar javaabesh "ba'leh" bood... ey-vallaaa!! Agar baahaaneh maahaaneh aavord va khaast baa fesenjoon sareto shireh bemaaleh, bi-khiaal aaghaa, bi-khiaal. Khaan-e chaahaarom: Bacheh va zaado valad Ask her "Jigar... ghorboonet beram (sweetheart-meetheart nagi-yaa!... kheili yakheh)... chand-sheekam haazeri bezaaee?" Agar goft 7-8-taaa (ghaddo neem-ghadd)... ey-vallaaa! Agar goft 1-2-taa.... bi-khiaal aaghaa, bi-khiaal. Khaan-e panjom: Sheer-bahaa Az fakko faameelesh miporseen sheer-bahaa cheh ghadeh? Agar goftan yek jeld kalaamollaah, yek shaakheh gol, ....ahleh mo'aamelan-o mahzar-boro... ey-vallaaaa!! Agar goftan talaa malaa mikhaan, donbaaleh pool-moolan, bi-khiaal aaghaa, bi-khiaal. Khaan-e sheshom: Shabeh hejleh Agar goftee behesh "Ayzam... savaareh motor sheem bereem mosaaferkhooneh" va goft "Baasheh", ey-vallaaa.... Agar goft "Berim Hotel-motel va chaampaagne-maampaagne mikhaam," bi-khiaal aaghaa, bikhiaal! Khaan-e haftom: Avalleh besmellaah Give her security. Tell her "Jigaretto bokhoram.... ghorbooneh ghaddo-baalaat beram (all 4 ft 6 inches of her)... baa hameyeh mokaafaatet mikhaamet!" EEshaallaa paay-e ham peer sheen! * Printer friendly Does this article have spelling or other mistakes? Tell me to fix it. Email your comments for The Iranian letters section Send an email to Esmaal Aghaa RELATED Make it your bible, bubba How to woo a middle-aged Iranian woman By Azam Nemati Satire in iranian.com Book of the day amazon.com The Secret Language of Relationships Your Complete Personology Guide to Any Relationship With Anyone By Gary Goldschneider

Copyright © Iranian.com All Rights Reserved* Legal Terms for more information contact: times@iranian.com Web design by Bcubed Internet server Global Publishing Group