Farvardin/Aries | Ordibehesht/Taurus | Khordad/Gemini | Tir/Cancer | Mordad/Leo | Shahrivar/Virgo | Mehr/Libra | Aban/Scorpio | Azar/Sagittarius | Dey/Capricorn | Bahman/Aquarius | Esfand/Pisces

Farvardin/Aries (March 21-April 19)

You will come to the realization that your parents were right all along: You should have become a doctor instead of an "artist" living off tuna and taftoon. Your father's last words will echo constantly: Khaak too sar-e bi-orzat konan.

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Ordibehesht/Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Reading will bring relaxation. Recommended: "The Joy of Stoning" and "Fundamentalism for Dummies" by Afghanistan's Taliban religious leader, whatever-the-hell-his-name-is.

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Khordad/Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Be bold! During a job interview you will be asked about your place of birth. Suggest southern Italy. If you sense disbelief, calmly mention that you have many Iranian-backed "relatives" in Sicily.

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Tir/Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Your love life will get flushed down the toilet. Always have a few spare bars. Do NOT resort to the sang-e paa.

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Mordad/Leo (July 23-Aug 22)

Your wheelchair-bound grandfather will be treated like a terrorist at the airport. Too bad.

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Shahrivar/Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)

Good news coming your way! Your parents are setting aside their 1,000-acre orchard for you in their will -- the one confiscated after the revolution and turned into a dirt soccer field.

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Mehr/Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)

You will finally buy that huge, black BMW you always wanted. Your teenage daughter will be thrilled to know that she can now keep the Mercedes convertible all to herself. Rich bastards.

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Aban/Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)

You will have second-thoughts about the wedding. "Faati Joon" is NOT the family maid your future husband brought from Iran to help around the house. You are.

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Azar/Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)

Khepel! Naterekki! Cut down on the chelo kabab soltani with extra koobideh.

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Dey/Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)

You will accept an offer from the CIA to carry this top-secret message from President Clinton to President Khatami: "Besmellaah-e rahmaan-e rahim, marg bar amrikaa, marg bar esraaeel, marg bar monafeqeen, marg bar zed-e velaayat-e faqih, dorood bar shohadaa, dorood bar razmandegaan eslaam... Mo! Was that a Quarter Pounder WITH cheese?"

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Bahman/Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)

Luck is coming your way! You will be contacted by Abbas Kiarostami to play in his next masterpiece : "Noosh-e Joonam: The Taste of Kissing Famous and Beautiful French Acresses During the Cannes Film Festival Awards Ceremony."

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Esfand/Pisces (Feb 19-March 20)

I am too tired to come up with one more prediction. So I wish you peace and happiness and all that chert-o-pert.

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Related links

* THE IRANIAN Satire Section