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Quit whining
God's open letter to Iranians

April 13 2001
The Iranian

Honestly, I'm sick and tired of listening to you people whine. You fail to recognize how busy I am. I put in 24-hour days, every fricken day. I have to oversee the operation of all existence. I have to mange the relationship between time and space. I am busy maintaining solar systems, black holes, comets, asteroids, planets, the milkyway, blah blah blah...

It's not bad enough that I have to prevent your shitty little planet from smashing into Neptune or getting sucked into the sun, I have to constantly listen to you people bitch. What do you want from me? What else could I possibly give you Iranians?

I picked the best prime real estate on Earth and handed it to you. I gave you beautiful vacation spots in the north of the country, magnificent mountains in the west, an exquisite desert in the east and a perfect passage to oceans in the south.

I gave you ravishing lands, clean air, lushes trees, fruitful soil, and roaring rivers. I gave you riches that were the envy of humanity. I gave you resources others would kill for. What did you do with it? Nothing. You sat on your lazy asses and let it all go down the drian.

I put an ocean of oil underneath you to power the world. But you people were so inarticulate, you didn't even appreciate it. Others came and plundered it.

I made you smart, creative, and innovative. Did you ever use your brains? Hell no! You just let it all go to waste. And those among you who did use your brains were immediately shunned or eliminated by your own compatriots.

You bought, used, wasted, consumed, purchased, drained, exhausted natural resources and contributed nothing in return. While I watched other nations create, invent, change, produce, discover, contrive, you people went through life clueless.

Oh, and another thing: I'm tired of listening to you people blame all your deficiencies on other nations. They took your oil? Tough shit-- you didn't deserve it. They took your lands? Big deal-- what good did you do with it anyway? They stole your resources? Oooh, It breaks my heart.

I have had my eyes on you in last 3000 years and I have not seen people as lazy, cunning, lying, cheating, and ass kissing as you. You're the most unkind to your own kind. You always chose the easy way out. Minimum pain, maximum gain.

What did you do with those few brilliant poets, artists, scientists, thinkers, and savants who appeared among you? You managed to push them under the water to avoid feeling inadequate.

Well, this might come as a shock to you, but it doesn't work like that. You see, I created humans to be productive not to sit around and watch life go by. Others achieved, you didn't. End of story.

So from the Office of the Chairman of the Board of Existence to the citizens of Iran, read my lips: Please quit whining. I have a universe to run and there is nothing else I can do for you. Ciao baby!

Comment for The Iranian letters section Comment to the writer Siamack Baniameri