Experimental

Write for The Iranian Editorial policy

If you are under 18, don't bother asking your parents about this subject. They have no clue.

Where is it?
Beep beep beep beep. BINGO.

August 13, 2001
The Iranian

I'm thinking out loud here, so bear with me for a moment. It seems to me that everybody out there is looking for something. We all need answers to our questions. Some people look for happiness, some look for spirituality, others look for money, fame, love, God, forgiveness, kindness, or the meaning of life. I too, like everybody else, am looking for things in life -- things that are meaningful and important to me.

I, for example, am looking for the G-Spot. That's right folks. For the life of me, I can not find the damn thing. Forget about it. I don't even think it exists. I'm convinced that women have made it up to make men act like bunch of idiots. It's not like my life isn't complicated enough or I have no problems of my own to deal with, now I have to worry about finding a small organ buried under lumps of epidermis.

What's going on here? Is this another one of the nature's cruel jokes on men? We have invented devices that help find our way around just about anything. We have invented topographic maps, compass, radar, smart bombs, and GPS systems, which can pin point locations and lead us to our destinations with deadly accuracy.

So how come no one has invented a G-Spot positioning system? A device that helps men locate the offending object without making an ass out of themselves. I'm talking, some kind of a 007 gadget that would lead us straight to the target... Beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep. BINGO.

Don't get me wrong; I am not lazy or idle and I definitely put in my share of enthusiasm in this whole "intimate relationship" thing; but give me a break.

I tell you what else I'm looking for. I'm looking for a machine that enables men to distinguish a genuine orgasm from a fake one. A kind of lie detector, which all these probes and wires can be connected to the wife or the girlfriend, and let's me analyze her orgasm by looking at a chart. This will take the guesswork out of lovemaking and brings honesty back into the relationship.

"Honey, looking at these charts, you have had two real orgasms and twelve fake ones. I guess, I need to work harder next time!"

This will also help validate men's claims of manliness and separate truth from fiction.

"Dude, my girlfriend had zillions of orgasms last night."

"Oh yeah? Let me see her chart."

This device will open up new avenues for competition and reality TV shows were men can compare charts and expert panel can analyze their performance. Men can bring their chart on the first date and present the prospect with real testimonial of their abilities in bed. Women can present the chart to the court as evidence making strong divorce cases against their man.

"Your honor, look at this chart. I have had fifty fake orgasms last month alone. What kind of a man is this?"

I don't know what you are looking for in life. But I am looking for things that make life a bit simpler.

Comment for The Iranian letters section Comment to the writer Siamack Baniameri