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Suckers come in all forms
Johnny Walker should be forgiven and sent home to his family

December 14, 2001
The Iranian

I heard about the American Taliban fighter the other day and my initial reaction, like everybody else around the world was, "NO SHIT!?"

What's so ironic about this fellow's situation is not the fact that he survived a deadly prison riot where hundreds of Taliban fighters died while engaged in a bloody shoot out with their hands supposedly tied behind their backs. Or how he spent his days enforcing Islamic laws among American-hating fundamentalists in Afghanistan. But the true irony is his name: Johnny Walker.

How can a guy who is named after the most recognized whisky turn into an Islamic fundamentalist? You don't see an Irish man named Arthur Guinness or a Mexican named Jose Cuervo going to Afghanistan to help establish a pure Islamic state.

I'm a man who takes his alcohol seriously and I am appalled by this new development. It's one thing to take away our personal freedoms, integrity, or way of life, but when the fundamentalists start messing with our alcoholic refreshments, that's when we should draw the line and get proactive.

This whole Johnny Walker fiasco reminded me of a friend I went to college with. His name was Jack Daniel. I got worried about Jack. What if he too joined ranks with Talibans and turned into a hairy, supper deluxe, fighting machine? What if Talibans brainwashed Jack Daniel the same way they seduced Johnny walker? That would be devastating.

So I called the man after many years.

"Jack, this is Siamack, remember me? We went to college together. Say, you didn't become a fundamentalist, join the Talibans, or some crap like that, did you?"

"Yeah, I remember you! You bastard! You owe me two hundred bucks. You borrowed the money to take out that ugly girl with bad skin... "

Oops, the line got cut off.

Well, I'm so glad my old friend Jack Daniel is all right and has not lost his mind by joining the Taliban. That would have broken my heart. (About that two hundred dollars: First of all, the girl was not ugly and she did not have bad skin. Well, maybe a zit or two, here and there, but nothing that a good plastic surgeon couldn't fix. And, on top of that, I swear I paid back Jack's money as soon as I got out of the county jail. The girl turned out to be a minor. Imagine that!)

As a Middle Eastern man, it makes me feel much better to see an American fundamentalist fighting for Talibans for a change. It takes the pressure off. Every day I wakeup and all I see on TV and in newspapers are images of guys who talk like me, walk like me, look like me (well, they would definitely look like me if I stopped shaving for, ohhh, five years). So seeing an American caught in this crazy ordeal makes me feel more human.

The whole idea that religious fundamentalism is molded in Middle Eastern DNA was proven to be erroneous the moment Johnny Walker stepped into his first Arabic class. This proves that suckers come in all shapes and forms. Suckers who get themselves involved in situations they don't fully understand.

I personally think Johnny Walker should be forgiven and sent home to his family, cause if it wasn't for Johnny Walker, many of us hard drinking guys wouldn't bare to spend another night with our wives or listen to our girlfriends complain all day (please don't send nasty emails for that comment; I'm just joking).

Give Johnny Walker a break. I'm sure behind all that facial hair, which looks like a housing complex for a few hundred scorpions and their children, you will find a young man who has lost his way in this world.

Comment for The Iranian letters section Comment to the writer Siamack Baniameri