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Passive aggressive volcano
I'm having one hell of time romancing Iranian women

November 5, 2001
The Iranian

Is it me or are Iranian women just plain depressed? I'm talking yo-yo like mood swings accompanied by feelings of bitterness and steaming bitchhood like a volcano ready to erupt without notice. It's like watching a bunch of drama queens running around looking for the emotional equivalent of full-contact kickboxing. What's up with that?

As a part time gigolo, I'm having one hell of time romancing Iranian women. Dating them is becoming too unpredictable; you get something different everyday. One day they show up all pretty and sweet, wanting to change the world for the better, all concerned, all giving, all caring, all kind and devoted; and the next day they show up ready to kick ass, all combatant, moody, temperamental, ill-humored, feisty. Is consistency too much to ask?

The other day, for example, I was on hold for more than half an hour. I was furious and ready to unload on someone. It wasn't bad enough that the cable company disconnects my favorite nudie channels, I was forced to stay on line for half an hour to get an answer why. That was unacceptable. You don't mess with a man's porno channels especially during "Debbie does Dallas" marathon week.

You can take away my HBO or the Discovery channel. I won't even get too upset if you took away my ESPN, but do not touch my nudie channels. That's a fine line no one is allowed to cross.

While I'm waiting on the phone, the second line rings. Should I answer it or should I let it roll to my voice mail? If I answer the line, I might lose my connection to the cable company. Then I have to stay on line for another half an hour to talk to a live person. But what if it's an emergency?

-- "Hello"

-- "Hi baby joon, It's me."

-- "Hi, sweetie, listen I got a very important phone call on the other line. I'll call you right back."

-- "Are you saying I'm not important? Who is it on the other line?"

-- "Umm... it's my boss. I have to talk to him about some stuff regarding to this thing we are doing at work. It's important. I got to go."

-- "You are lying. You are talking to a girl. You bastard. My friend Naseem told me that you were cheating on me."

-- "KHOSGELE MAN, I swear I'm not cheating on you. I really have to get the other line. I have been on hold for half an hour."

-- "So, your boss has put you on hold for half an hour? Bullshit you imbecile. Who is it you are sleeping with? It must be that whore Nilofar from your work. I knew it. I should listen to my friends. They told me you were no good but I didn't want to believe them."

-- "Who the heck is Nolifar? Listen, okay, here is the truth; the water company cutoff my water. I'm on the phone with the customer rep. You don't want me to die of thirst, do you? I got to go."

-- "Is that what they call it nowadays. I don't want to see you again. You are just like the rest of them cheating, lying Iranian BACHE NANEH guys. I hate you. I hate all of you Iranian guys. You hairy monsters. Don't ever EVER call me again."

The phone goes dead.

Cool, I thought she would never shut up. Now I can get back to the other line and get my nudie channels back on. I couldn't believe it. I was still on hold. I'm going crazy here. The other line rings again. Who could that be?

-- "Hello!"

-- "I'm sorry baby joon. I guess I was a little too harsh on you. Now you be a good boy and tell me who you are talking to. I swear I won't get mad. I love you baby. You are my little teddy bear."

-- "I told you I'm talking to my boss... I mean the water company. I got to go."

-- "Nooooo you're not going anywhere until I get some answers. My mom told me that you are a loser. I should have dated Majid the dentist instead of dating a low-life like you."

-- "Okay, sounds good. Go date Majid the dentist and let me get the other line. Bye."

I switched back to the other line. I'm still on hold. It's been fifty minutes already. The other line rings again.

-- "What?"

-- "Baby joon, hold the line. My mom wants to talk to you."

Oh, this is getting better and better.

-- "AGHA SHOMA KHEJALAT NEMIKESHE? What's wrong with my daughter? You should thank god for dating my beautiful girl. Do you have any idea how many guys are knocking at our door to just look at her for a few minutes? She is a virgin. Do you understand? You are not going to find a single Iranian virgin within fifty miles of Los Angles County. You should be proud to be dating my girl."

"Lady, I'm aware that your daughter is a virgin. That's precisely why I have been on hold for fifty minutes by the cable company to reconnect my darn nudie channels. If your daughter wasn't a virgin I wouldn't be addicted to my porno channels, would I?"

The phone went dead. I switched my lines quickly. I was still on hold.

I guess I'm not the only sex-deprived hairy monster out there dating a virgin.

Comment for The Iranian letters section Comment to the writer Siamack Baniameri