Advice

December 29, 2001
The Iranian

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* Good deed/Huge commitment

Dear Abjeez:

Salaam and thank you in advance for lending me your sisterly ears for a while. I have never had any Abjeez myself, or any daadaash for that matter, and I am faced with a dilemma that requires a sibling's advice.

Baa ejaaze, let me begin by giving you a bit of my background. I am 28, born in Iran, but raised in England since I was 6. I have been a bit of a wild boy in my teen-age years and I have sowed my wild oats, you may say. I've had only one serious relationship, with an English girl. That's been over for a couple of years. I am now ready to settle down, marry, start a family etc. But I have not met the right girl yet. I've been dating casually although never with an Iranian girl, not because I don't want to but I just haven't met a lot of them. The ones I do know I am not interested in romantically.

My dilemma is that I have a distant relative, a girl aged 25, who has recently moved to England from Iran. She has suffered many hardships in order to get here, and she definitely wants to stay.

Our families are suggesting that we get married so as to legalize her immigration status and also they are hoping that we will settle down together and start a family. I have met her and she is very nice, down to earth, with a good head on her shoulders and intent on studying.

I also feel very sorry for her for all the hardships she endured and I want to help her in any way I can. I feel it is my duty as a more fortunate relative and I know it would make both our families happy. I don't think I could live with the guilt if she were forced to go back to a place she does not want to, just because of my selfish misgivings.

But the problem is that I am not in love with her, I hardly know her. I do not even find her physically attractive. She is not ugly, just a "plain Jane" as they say. To my objections, the family elders just dispense platitudes like "love will come with time" and "beauty is just skin deep".

I guess there is some truth to that since my own parents met on their wedding day and have been happily married for 3 decades. I myself want the peace and stability of a real home after my years as a party boy and I know this no nonsense girl will make a good wife and mother.

But I am still torn between on one hand, wanting to do a good deed, and on the other hand, scared at the thought of making this huge commitment to a person I don't even know very well, and that I may never fall in love with.

Dear Abjeez, please give me your advice. But I beg you, don't just tell me to take my time as we are under a deadline due to her immigration status. The clock is ticking, can you help???

Pedram

Reply

Dear Pedram:

Merci baraye naameh-toon. We hope we can provide the useful abjee perspective that you are seeking.

Arranged marriages are always a thorny issue, even in our culture where it is, or at least used to be, a very common thing. Our first advice is you shouldn't compare your circumstance to that of your parents. They represent two vastly different situations.

I think for our parents' generation, arranged marriages were for the most part successful because they existed within a different social code. Both partners had the same expectations about their roles, duties and responsibilities required to build the solid foundation for a long lasting relationship. They also came most likely from similar cultural, social, financial and educational backgrounds, increasing their chances at compatibility.

But you and your future wife, even though you may share a language and some family ties, come from two radically different worlds. Having grown up in two countries as opposed as Iran and England, you have very minimal common experiences. It is difficult enough for two such different persons to forge a friendship, let alone a marriage.

Still, sometimes love is an inexorable force that can push through these cultural barriers. But you are not in love with her and my guess is, neither is she in love with you. Indeed she may feel even more pressure than you to acquiesce to this arrangement, not only because she wants to please her family but she may see this marriage as the only means to hold on to a life she has fought so hard to obtain.

We think you two sit down to have a private in-depth discussion about how you really feel, far away from the prying eyes of your well-meaning but interfering relatives. Most probably you will find out your fears about committing to something as serious as marriage are shared by your bride to be.

If the only motive for this union is immigration or family pressure, you will not be committing a "good deed" by entering a sham marriage and, god forbid, adding children to the equation. We believe there has to be more than only one venue for her immigration needs. You mentioned that she is very intent in studying.

Maybe she can obtain a student visa. You could help her through this process and by this token, accomplish the "good deed" that she is truly in need of. We know the clock is ticking fast right now but imagine how interminably long those hours, minutes and seconds will seem if you are trapped in a situation filled with unhappiness and resentment.

Good luck to the both of you, and come back for another chayee and shirni with your abjeez real soon.

Abjee Pari and Abjee Fotti

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