Advice

December 5, 2001
The Iranian

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* Long-distance break up

Dear Abjeez:

I have been involved in a relationship for more than a year. It has always been very much one-sided, with me making all the efforts and compromise to make it work.

Recently, we have both moved to different states for various reasons. At this point, I am dealing with the stress of a new city, new friends, new job etc. I simply feel at this point, I cannot carry this relationship on my own anymore. Even though it was a hard decision to make, I know that I have to break up with him.

My dilemma is: how do you break up with a man you loved and is now living thousands of miles away? I want to do this with the least amount of hurt on both sides.

Confused girl

Dear Confused girl.

To have a successful relationship, you need to make continuous effort (on a daily basis!). Of course, the fact that you two are apart makes it even more complicated and your relationship will need extra attention.

If you really do love your partner, the effort is genuine and becomes your number one priority, even before career and relocation issues. Chances are, if there had been strong mutual feeling, the two of you would not have parted in the first place -- or alt least you would have discussed alternative future plans to be together again.

Have the two of you communicated much since you parted? If you are not in love with him, you will do yourself and him a favor to move on with your lives and spend the time and energy on other priorities and bumping into Mr./Miss Right!

Breaking up will never be easy, especially when you have once loved someone, yet it's less painful that being in a one-sided relationship. Communication is still the key and you can start with a good phone conversation.

Make sure you are 100% certain and let him know that your decision was made carefully, after much consideration. This way, you would be able to answer any concerns or issues that he may be having as well.

Good luck,

Abjee Pari

Dokhtar Joon,

The hardest thing in life is to want someone who does not want you back. From your letter, it seems that in this one-sided relationship, you got the short end of the stick. Azizam, I may be old-fashioned but it seems to me that love should not be all work and compromise but should flow more naturally. Therefore, I think you have made the right decision to break up with this man.

It is very difficult to sustain a long distance relationship but perhaps more difficult than that is a long distance break up. In my opinion, the telephone seems to be impersonal and technological: This man was part of your life and love for a long time and it is a bit cold in my view to end it all by talking to a wire. Therefore I will recommend in my old fashioned way to write a letter, and I do not mean an email. Choose some nice stationery, and a sturdy pen. Sit at your desk and take your time.

This will be a great opportunity to get all your issues off your chest and obtain some closure. I truly hope that in the future, you find real love. Always remember that it is a two-way street.

Ghorbanet.

Abjee Fotti

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