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April 26, 2002
The Iranian
Send us your questions
and comments
* I think abortion is really morally wrong
Dear Abjeez,
I am in hell. A month ago, my best friend, B., came to me crying, saying she
was pregnant and needed an abortion. I am 17 and she is 16. She didn't want to tell
her parents or anybody else. She told me her boyfriend reacted very badly when she
told him the news and dumped her right away. He told her stuff like, how could he
be sure he was even the father, and he called her names and stuff. Anyways, B. came
to me and said she needed me to go with her to the clinic and keep it a secret because
she had no one else.
I felt incredibly bad. On one hand, I think abortion is really morally wrong. I mean,
I am not like those crazy people on TV with the protests, or killing doctors. I think
they are crazy. But I just always thought it is something I would never do, it is
so sad. That's why I don't want to have sex until I am married. On the other hand,
my best friend obviously had sex. I suspected it but she never really told me until
she asked me to go with her to the abortion clinic. Because she was my best friend,
I thought the more important thing is to be there for her, so I went with her to
the clinic. It was really really horrible, I don't even want to get into it but even
sitting there was making me so nauseous and I felt like crying. But I kept strong
because I didn't want to make things harder for her.
Anyways, imagine my shock! The very next day, I found out B. was back with her boyfriend!
I mean, if the stuff she told me about him was true, and he wasn't even decent enough
to be there with her, how could she do that? So I got pretty mad and told her this
is wrong. I thought she learned her lesson with what happened to her but she was
acting as if nothing has happened. She even started going around school showing off
the birth control pills she got to everybody, and laughing, as if it is all a big
joke. I really feel like she has gone crazy!
I got so embarrassed and also I really felt like I couldn't deal with such
a person anymore. So I told her basically, I don't want to be friends with you anymore
because you are making choices that are wrong. She lashed out at me and told me it
is none of my business what she does and she accused me of being jealous! As if I
would be jealous of her messed up, screwed up life! I told her she made it my business
when she involved me. Anyways, to make a long story short, after our big fight, we
stopped talking.
Now my life in school has been hell. B. has been going around telling EVERYONE what
a "cold hearted bitch" I am and making up lies about me. People are very
curious to hear her lies, because we used to hang out together all the time so they
want to know why we suddenly stopped being friends. Of course, she has never mentioned
how it all started, including her abortion etc. She just keeps painting me as this
jealous girl who wanted to seduce her boyfriend or something ridiculous like that.
I never even liked him as a friend! He is horrible, fat, with braces, and obviously
a mean personality.
Anyways, it has gotten to a point where I can't even eat lunch in the cafeteria anymore,
or even walk down the halls without the fear of running into her and the tension
of all the people looking at me and whispering. I have kept my word and not told
anyone about her secret. But sometimes, I feel like telling my side of the story
so people really know the truth. I don't know what to do abjeez joon. I am sure you
remember how life in high school is. It is too small to avoid her or our mutual friends.
Sometimes I feel like taking a revenge but other times I think I would feel really
guilty about being so mean. What should I do?
"L. in Hell"
 Reply
Abjee Fotti and Abjee Pari write:
Dear L,
The abjeez are sorry to hear that, at such a young age, you have to deal with so
many difficult issues. The abjeez are particularly sad to notice that, in the whole
story you describe, there is no mention of any adults being involved. No parents,
no teachers, no school counselors. The abjeez wonder how the supposedly responsible
adults here have not picked up on signs that something really wrong is going on with
your friend B. She is obviously acting up, which may or may not be a sign that something
is wrong at home. In any case, you should not have been forced to take on such a
heavy emotional burden. That was certainly the job of her parents and the abjeez
are astounded at how they could be so totally oblivious to what their sixteen year
old girl is up to.
The abjeez also wonder how you and B. came to be best friends, given that you seem
to lead such opposite lives. From what you describe, she seems irresponsible, dishonest,
and frankly one basket short of a picnic. You on the other hand have shown to be
incredibly loyal, mature, and kind. Perhaps you grew up together under the label
of "best friends" and you didn't realize until now just how much you have
grown apart. It is too bad that it had to end with such a bang, but overall, we feel
that you made the right decision by terminating the friendship. You are not "cold
hearted" at all, and it is sad that B. doesn't realize how ungrateful she is
being. She will regret it later on because friends like you are very unique in life.
The abjeez want to commend you for your courage: You helped your friend because you
believed this came before your personal dislike and she had no one else to turn to.
And, even in the face of such vicious rumors, you have not defended yourself when
you could have done so easily. It is so easy in high school, (and also in "real
life" believe us) to take the easy route and join in the gossip game. You have
two options here. You can reveal B.'s secret and start your own gossip campaign.
But ask yourself, do you have the energy to participate in such a battle of wills?
Do you really want the approval of people who so easily were swayed against you by
B.'s lies, and now just as easily come to your side when you join the gossip game?
How reliable are such people? Don't you think true friends who know you inside out
would realize that B.'s description of you is completely absurd?
On the other hand, you can continue to hold the moral high ground and keep B.'s secret.
Believe the abjeez when we say you might feel like you are in hell now but gossip
quickly dies down. There are just so many times people will pay attention to B.'s
lies before they get tired of it. This is especially true if you just ignore it and
don't fuel it. B. probably would be happy to see you lash out so she can triumphantly
point out to everyone how right she was about your character. You would be enabling
her to keep having a platform and be the center of attention, which seems to be exactly
what she wants (or else why would she be so stupid to show off birth control pills
in public?). More important than all of that, you will have remained true to yourself.
The abjeez believe you are a very unique young person, with qualities that are sadly
lacking to day, such as loyalty, maturity, morality. Don't let B. make you stoop
to her own level. This will hurt you more than any gossip.
If you really feel that the tension is not dying down, and is affecting you emotionally,
the abjeez would advise that you change schools. We know it is not fair for you to
change your whole life around just because of someone else's shenanigans. But as
you said, we remember how difficult high school life can be, and we don't want you
to come under such stress that you consider your life "hell". Maybe starting
with a blank slate will be beneficial to you. We are sure that you will certainly
choose your friends more carefully from now on so as not to end up in similar situations.
We wish you luck and hope that you continue to keep strong among the pettiness and
viciousness surrounding you. We need more friends like you in this world.
Take Care and come back for a shirnee and chayee with your abjeez real soon.
Abjee Pari and Abjee Fotti
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