April 18, 2002
Send us your questions
* He's Jewish, I'm not
Four years ago I met a boy at the university who over time became one of my
closest friends. Unsurprisingly though our feelings for each other developed into
more than just friends, and it is fair to say that I fell completely in love with
him and to this day feel the same way. about a year ago we started going out with
each other, which was one of the happiest times in my life. However after a few months
I have failed to mention so far that this boy is Jewish and that I am not.
This difference in background had never shown itself to be an issue between us before.
But after we had been going out for a few months he decided to visit Israel for a
while; when he returned things were completely different. He told me that even though
he still loved me so much and that his feelings for me would never change, the fact
that I wasnt Jewish would be a problem for us in the future if we were to become
so serious that we wanted to get married.
I pointed out to him that you can never tell what may happen in the future
and that surely the best way to live life is by living in the present and jumping
the hurdles when they come to you. Needless to say my pleadings fell on deaf ears
and he still stands by his position. The hardest thing for me though is that he is
still one of my closest friends and we see each other all the time. It is so obvious
to both of us that we still love each other but the fact that I am not Jewish will
always be a problem.
I am not sure how to proceed with my life as no other guy I meet can compare
to him so far and the fact that we still love each other but cant be together due
to our origins is tearing my heart out.
Abjeez please give me some advice on how to get on with my life as I am truly
hurt and confused,
Abjee Fotti and Abjee Pari write:
You say no other guy you meet can compare with your ex-boyfriend? Do you mean that
no one else you meet can be as narrow-minded and prejudiced as your ex-boyfriend
has demonstrated he is? Sorry to choose such harsh words. The abjeez rarely get angry
but this situation makes our blood boil. It's a good thing we have some steaming
hot chayee ready before us to calm our nerves a little bit.
Now then, tell us something please: If you were black and he was white, and he told
you he loved you but the differences in your skin color made it impossible for you
to get "serious" or "married", what would you think of the man
whom you currently hold in such high esteem? Wouldn't you call him a bigot, a fool,
a person incapable of loving you for who you are? A person who cannot think for himself
and lets society think for him? A man who is too much of a coward to admit to his
feelings (if indeed they are real) and would instead sacrifice his love in order
to conform to what the ones around him want him to conform to? If you still think
he is such a priceless gem, then by all means, continue to be friends with him and
pine away endlessly all the while knowing that, short of a radical conversion in
faith, he will marry a nice Jewish girl before your very eyes.
If however, you can begin to see through those heavy shades with which your love
has dimmed your vision, you will realize that this man is too stupid to know a good
thing when it hits him. The abjeez know that similar cultural backgrounds make it
easier for two people to relate to each other and fall in love, as well as getting
married and having children. And "mixed" couples may face certain problems
but guess what? Why is it always better to take the easier road? If two people truly
love each other, the force of that commitment and the strength of that understanding
and tolerance will help them go through whatever society wants to hinder them with,
and will even make them stronger. That segregationist mentality of your ex-boyfriend
is a step backward for all those mixed couples who have made a successful life for
themselves and along the way, taught others (including their children) about the
real meaning of love and tolerance.
Of course, the abjeez have felt the irrational force of love and so, regretfully,
we realize that you may feel incapable of detaching yourself from this man, despite
his obvious flaws. College romances, developed during a time when you are still in
the process of growing intellectually and emotionally and actually have the time
and energy to pursue a romance actively, can be overwhelming, the standard by which
all other "loves" are measured. So if you stubbornly hold on to the belief
that this is the man you want to spend the rest of your life, what other option is
here left than converting? But before you do that, please please please ask yourself
these questions: Is it worth it to take on something you don't believe in simply
for the sake of pleasing someone who puts conditions on his "love"? Will
you respect yourself for living a charade every day of your life, especially when
you have children? And interestingly, you do not mention any pressure on his part
to get you to convert to his religion: It just seems that he came back from his trip
to Israel with a categorical goal in mind, that is to break up with you. If this
man truly loved you, don't you think he would at least have sat down with you and
explained a bit of his religious beliefs and try to see if the two of you could come
up with a solution rather than just cut you off as some kind of unworthy or unholy
The abjeez, despite their harsh words, feel for you dear BW because being in love
puts you at a disadvantage. Rejection can really damage your self-esteem and you
may put up with anything the object of your love makes you endure as long as you
can be with him. That is why, in your case, we strongly advise you to at least go
away for a long vacation, if you do not feel capable of cutting off the friendship
altogether (the second solution would of course be the preferred one as far as the
abjeez are concerned.) Time apart may help you realize who this man truly is, and
what the relationship has done to you. You may even wake up one day feeling "cured"
of this dead-end relationship and wonder what you saw in that narrow-minded, infuriatingly
bigoted person in the first place! And then the abjeez will be more than glad to
offer you a sip of hot steaming chayee to calm your nerves.
We wish wholeheartedly for your hurt and confusion to end!
Abjee Pari and Abjee Fotti