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February 8, 2002
The Iranian
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* Grumpy husband
Hi I am a 27-year-old Iranian woman living in Iran. I got married 3 years ago.
My husband is a kind man and I love him and know he lovse me too but he doesn't try
to show his feelings to me. He is often cold and very tired. He works until 10, 11
at night and when he reaches home he is short tempered .
I spoke about this whith him but he forgot and he's always like before. Also
he is very dependent on his family and this disturbs me. I think I am jealous but
I know I need to his love. Also he is very sensetive when I say something about my
feelings.
Farzaneh
 Reply
Abjee Fotti and Abjee Pari write:
Dear Farzaneh:
Thank you for your letter. A successful marriage is like a traditional Iranian dish:
It tastes delicious when done right, however the recipe involves a lot of elaborate
ingredients and lots of patience!
The problems you are describing are symptomatic of a lot of young couples starting
out, especially Iranian spouses who traditionally do not cohabit prior to marriage.
Therefore, when the honeymoon is over, it is a bit of a bumpy road to get used to
your partner 24 hours a day, and for the first time see their less than splendid
private sides.
As to your specific problems, it seems that communication is the key issue to work
on between you and your husband. A good way to do that is to "walk around in
your partner's shoes" instead of only focusing on your own point of view. For
example, you feel rejected when your husband comes home late at night and he is in
no mood for romance. But if you put yourself in his shoes, you will realize that
all the hard work he is putting in at the office is to lay a good foundation for
your future prosperity and growing family. Therefore, when he comes home at night,
perhaps the timing is not the perfect one to further stress him out.
Home should be the refuge from a hard day's work. On the other hand, this does
not mean your own concerns should be stifled for the sake of your husband. If he
walks around in your shoes, he will realize that a new wife needs support and love
from her husband in the often difficult transition from a carefree single girl to
running a household and other responsibilities brought with marriage. But these are
issues that can be brought up at other times, when you both for example have enjoyed
some private time and rediscovered each other after the 5 day work week. Once you
renew that connection, for example over a nice dinner, or other romantic plans over
the week-end, it is easier to bring up some issues of concern in a less antagonistic
manner. Remember, marriage is about partnership, a union that is unique and sacred
within the larger family. Which brings us to your point about interference from your
in-laws.
While all cultures make jokes about in-laws, the Iranian reality is that there is
far higher than average intereference from meddling relatives of a long extended
family into the affairs of a young married couple. They simply see it as their business
and there is nothing you can do to dissuade them. Nothing... except KEEPING YOUR
PRIVATE AFFAIRS TO YOURSELVES! Now I know you may feel frustrated with your husband
going to his family and exposing your private life, but if you follow our advice
about bettering the communication between the both of you, he may not feel that need
anymore to confide in them. You have to make your husband understand that you are
each other's best confident and you can work through your problems much better without
the opinion of biased persons, no matter how well-meaning they think they are.
So Farzaneh jaan, don't forget the recipe for your successful marriage: Good communication,
understanding and compromise in a stew already filled with love and passion. Put
the cover on the pot so as not to let any outside interference... And get ready for
a delicious meal!
Ghorbaane shomaa,
Abjee Pari and Abjee Fotti
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