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February 15, 2002
The Iranian
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and comments
* Peer pressure
I am old enough to be your mother and yet I seek your advice because I think
your experience and age can give me better insight into my problem.
My dilemma is with my daughter. She is eleven, on the verge of becoming a teen-ager
and I worry a lot about peer pressure. We have just moved from Iran to Canada and
she is having a very difficult time adjusting to her new school because the other
kids all wear make-up, sexy clothes, and even have dates.
Vali dokhtare man hanooz bacheh hasst va bishtar allaagheh be ketaabhaash va
aroussakhaash daareh.
The bullies at her school make fun of her and call her a FOB. This kind of
teasing only adds to the already heavy burden she has of struggling with her English,
and with her deltangi for home. Every night she cries into her pillow va man jeegaram
kabaab misheh baraash.
I feel so guilty for bringing her here for a better life and yet she is so
unhappy. Nemidoonam che kaar konam: On one hand, I believe it is wrong for children
to act older than their age, because it distracts them from their studies.
On the other hand, my sisters who have lived in Canada for a long time criticize
me as being old-fashioned and tell me that I should let her blend in with the other
kids. I am so torn as to what to do to make my daughter happy.
Please help me because I cannot stand another night spent at my daughterÇs
bedside trying to wipe away her tears.
Torn Maamaan
 Reply
Abjee Fotti and Abjee Pari write:
Dear Torn Maamaan:
Merssi baraaye naameyi ke neveshtin: You bring up such an important issue, a dilemma
that is shared by many immigrant Iranians. Coming to Canada or the United States
from Iran represents a big enough culture shock by itself, but when you add teen-age-hood
to the equation, it just makes it even more complex.
Your daughter is at an age when she is very sensitive: She has to contend with social
pressure, the need to fit in, being accepted into a group of her peers. Also, she
is going through the physical and emotional changes of puberty, which result in an
emotional roller-coaster. Of course, she would be going through this whether she
is in Iran or in Canada. Khaahesh mikonam fekr nakonin ke shomaa maadare badi hasstin.
As you said, you brought her to a new country with her best interests in mind. DonÇt
waver in your judgment. If you donÇt feel confident about your decision to move to
a new country, how do you expect your daughter, who looks up to you, to find happiness
in her new situation? You have to believe that in the long run, your daughter will
become a stronger person for having conquered a new country, a new language, a new
culture etc.
Tears, anger and frustration are a normal part of growing up for any teen-ager, no
matter where they live. However, you are right to be concerned about your daughter
if she is constantly in tears. This could lead to depression and a loss of self-confidence
which will ultimately affect her studies and personality more than any lipstick or
mascara ever could.
Personally, I totally agree with you that Western kids today have a lot of things
in excess: make-up, sexy clothes, etc. I think you are definitely on the right track
when you show concern about these things and you do not want your daughter to conform
to these values. For a girl especially, putting so much emphasis on physical appearance
at the age of 11 sends a terrible moral message, not to mention the negative effect
on her studies. So I do not think you should let yourself be influenced by your sisters.
Just because they have lived in Canada longer does not mean they are the experts
in parenting when it comes to your daughter. They may have just given up on their
own children, but that does not mean that you should. Fekr nakonin ke faghat shomaa
in ehssass ro daarin yaa inke FOB hasstin. You would be surprised to know how many
Canadian and American parents share your values and have pressured their school boards
to put in a uniform, or at least a dress code, for their public schools. Get to know
the other childrenÇs parents and find out how many share your beliefs and how they
cope with these issues.
But most importantly, you should sit down with your daughter and talk about these
issues with her. You have to let her know you understand the things she is going
through and help her feel she is not alone in this. Bring up examples from your personal
experience where you have gone through a similar thing and you have come out stronger.
Most of all, you have to reinforce her self-confidence, which has taken quite a hit
under the teasing of the other classmates. Tell her how proud you are of her accomplishments,
and that she is so lucky to be beautiful both on the inside and outside, without
the need of all these chemical products which will only damage her skin and hair,
making her prematurely old.
As for bullies, my own mom gave me the best advice: Just ignore them! Bullies are
very brainless creatures who have no other entertainment than picking on those they
perceive as weaker then they are. Like Pavlovian dogs, they repeat the same pattern
every day, and expect a certain reaction. But if they donÇt get the reaction they
expect, they soon will tire of this game, and move on to another target. Explain
to your daughter that this is just a game, that the comments donÇt mean anything
other than showing the bulliesÇ ignorance. She should concentrate on finding peers
who share her interests. I am sure there are many other newcomers to Canada in her
school who face the same issues she is dealing with. And even some totally Western
kids have interests other than just physical appearances. Get her involved in sports,
student clubs, academic societies, community service. Once she finds friends of her
own, it will be much easier to cope with the social issues that come up at school
every day.
It would be wise to give yourself and your daughter a time frame in which to judge
whether she is gradually adapting to her new school. If your daughter still faces
a difficult time after, for example, one whole school year, it may be time to look
into other options. Private schools, for example, traditionally emphasize academic
achievements and also provide discipline and a uniform policy. Uniforms are a controversial
topic for those "free spirits" who scowl at any restriction on childrenÇs
"freedom of expression". (These are usually the same people who watch in
delight as their 4 year old brat swings from your curtain like Tarzan, knocking over
your grandmaÇs antique vase in the process, because in their opinion "Bachehaa
baayad aazaad baashan.")
To those naysayers, I would simply say that uniforms help rather than hinder freedom
of expression because kids have to demonstrate their personality through verbal and
physical skills, rather than simply wear a tank top that says to the world: "Look
everybody! God gave me a navel!" Uniforms are a great equalizer: Poor and rich,
stylish or clueless, the children all wear the same things, and consequently learn
to value each other not because of outer appearance but by their personality and
academic or athletic achievements.
If you cannot afford the tuition at private schools, you may try to find out if your
daughter qualifies for any scholarships or financial assistance. And, as I mentioned
earlier, many public schools have uniform or dress code policies.
Finally, we would like to extend our warmest wishes for you and your family on your
very first New Year in your new country. Continue to be the wonderful, sensitive,
and concerned mother that you are, and we assure you that your daughter will strive
in a way that will make you look back on this initial bumpy start with fondness in
the coming years.
Come back for a shirnee and chayee with your Abjeez to update us on the progress
you and your daughter are making!
Abjee Pari and Abjee Fotti
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