Advice

January 18, 2002
The Iranian

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* Secret love

Dear Abjeez,

I am very fond of a woman I know. In a normal situation I make my feelings clear. I could tell her that she is an amazing woman. She is full of life and hope. But I hold back because I am afraid of things going bad. I don't have the confidence to chase women anymore. All I can do is love her in secret. Can you help? What should I do?

Pershen Boy

Reply

Abjee Fotti and Abjee Pari write:

Dear Pershen Boy

Thank you for your candid letter. You sound like a romantic and sensitive soul who has been hurt in the past. And now, you prefer to stay safe, admiring the object of your love from afar, rather than going down that risky road of heartbreak again.

I wish I could tell you that you will not be hurt this time, or any time in the future. However, I would not be doing a good job as your abjee. We both know that love can be a roller-coaster full of turmoil and unanticipated twists and turns. But we have to remember that sometimes, after this wild ride, you can also find a smooth, calm sea of stability and happiness. No matter what lays ahead for you, wouldn't it be a shame not to surge on and discover what lies in the future for you, rather than sitting passively and letting your chance at happiness go by?

Of course, you are scared and it is certainly difficult to open yourself up again and become vulnerable. But is your current position really shielding you from hurt and pain? What if this lady you admire so much never finds out how you feel and goes on to fall in love with another, someone who is not afraid to woo her? Would it not hurt to wonder for the rest of your life what could have been?

If you have just come out of a relationship and feel a lack of confidence, perhaps you need some time to heal. In this case, it is not unwise to give yourself some time to get back on your feet.

But at some point, you have to conquer that fear. Maybe one way of succeeding is to stop idealizing your lady friend as some sort of idol on a pedestal. While it is great that you find so many qualities in her, remember she is a human being just like you, living and breathing, with qualities and flaws. She is your equal and you should not be afraid of approaching her with your feelings. She should be lucky to be with someone like you, who recognizes all the good in her and admires her.

It is our sincerest wish that you are successful in your endeavour. There are so few truly sensitive and romantic souls left in today's world, it would be a shame if you don't give yourself a chance.

Thank you for dropping by for a chayee and chirni with your abjeez, and I hope the next time you visit, you will be accompanied by your sweetheart.

Take Care and Good Luck

Abjee Pari and Abjee Fotti

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