Advice July 1, 2002 The Iranian Send us your questions and comments * He feels like home I don't know what to do about the situation I am in. I have been dating this American man for about two years. A year ago, after really liking him, but almost giving up any hope that our relationship would go beyond dating and hanging out with the same friends, he told me he loved me and wanted to get serious. We moved to a different city together, the city he was from and a place where I knew no one. I had just finished my Master's Degree and he was leaving his Ph.D. program to take some time off and reassess what he was doing with his life. That was nine months ago and things have been very difficult. He got a job that put him on the exact opposite schedule from me and checked out emotionally. It was a very difficult winter. I felt totally alone and completely abandoned. I barely saw him and I felt very distant and disconnected from him, because even when we did talk, something was missing. I tried to talk to him and got almost no response when I tried to bring these issues up. After a couple of months, I began striking out on my own and exploring the new city I was living in, taking some classes, spending my afternoons out on the weekends. I began making friends. I met this group of Middle Eastern people. One of them was this wonderful man. At first I just thought it was a little crush, and a fascination with something I've never had, a Middle Eastern boyfriend. I had always thought, that although I am an Iranian woman, I would end up with an American, because I am a strong and independent woman who has little tolerance for the misogyny I often see lurking beneath even the most deceptively even keeled Iranian male countenance. But this man is worldly and dedicated to his work and large in emotion and character. And he told me he is madly in love with me. Now, I have been living with my boyfriend almost like a roommate. (We even have separate bedrooms). So I told him what was happeneing and my boyfriend all of a sudden wants to work things out. But I find myself responding to this other man and thinking with my boyfriend, that it is too late. I don't want to hurt my boyfriend, or loose him as the close and kind and gentle friend that he is. But if I stay with him, I might feel resentful and loose the other man. If I walk out on him, I might feel like a shit for picking up and leaving to one man, before I have "properly" finished with the other. I love my boyfriend on the human level and out lives are so interwined at this point. But this other man is awakening a passion and deep connection that I have never felt with anyone. He feels like home. I am so confused and torn. What do I do! Ghamgeen Reply Abjee Fotti and Abjee Pari write: Dear Ghamgeen: The abjeez smell a pattern here. All the time of your relationship, your boyfriend has been emotionally cold and distant, as well as commitment phobic. You truly love him but at some point you feel there is no future and start backing off. That's when he suddenly regains his interest and then suddenly jumps a huge step forward into the relationship, something that he knows you have been dying to hear but had given up hope to. Like saying he is in love with you. Move with me. Let's work things out. Marry me. Or some combination....Are we right? Sweet sweet ghamgeen, why stick around with someone who is so emotionally unavailable to you? Is it because of that stereotyped thinking that Iranian men are mysognistic pigs and American men are all for a strong and independent woman? Let us tell you something: That kind of thinking is generalized, uninformed and frankly, it is preventing you from real happiness while making you stuck in a relationship that does not work. It is not the nationality or the culture that defines the man. To lump all Iranian men into one category because of, say, a movie like Not without my daughter is the same as if we would say all white American men are like Rush Limbaugh. It is compeltely utterly false. You are right, a real man will admire and appreciate a strong and independent woman. And let the abjeez tell you that there ARE plenty of iranian men out there who are REAL men. If you are intelligent, you will stop with the prejudicial attitude and open your heart to this Middle Eastern man who has so obviously stolen your heart. And another news flash is that your American boyfriend is not "a kind and gentle friend" like you describe. A kind and gentle friend would not put you through the emotional deep-freeze like he has been doing. So please do not show him more courtesy in breaking up with him than he has shown you in the entire relationship! The Abjeez think you have summed it all up when you said this new man in your life "feels like home". Home is a warm and cozy place, where things are comfortable and familiar, where you can be yourself without fear. Don't hesitate! You have lingered on the wrong path for too long. It is time to go home. With our deepest wishes and congratulations on your newfound happiness, Abjee Pari and Abjee Fotti Comment for The Iranian letters section Comment for Abjeez Fotti and Pari ABJEEZ Latest Previous RELATED Kobra Khanom SECTIONS * Recent * Cover * Writers * Arts & lit * Opinion * Satire * History * Interviews * Travel * Women * Rights * Surveys * All sections

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