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July 4, 2002 Send us your questions and comments * I don't want to hurt my parents I've been raised in the U.S. for most of my life. I'm 23 in a serious relationship now, and we want to get married. I thought I was doing the right thing by discussing the idea to my mom, and now I am dealing with the Iranian tradition of getting of married. Which is alright, I respect the culture, tradition, and my parents, but this a whole different ball field. I thought the decision of marriage was between two people (the people that actually want to get married and spend the rest of their lives together) now I have to deal with my family, aunts, cousins, the gardner and if they approve then we can married! I really don't want to hurt my parents, but isn't this something that they should let me decide? I am so confused, any suggestions? Thanks for taking your time and reading my email. P
Abjee Fotti and Abjee Pari write: You are an adult, you are in love, and hopefully you have thought this through and are ready to make this huge commitment and spend a lifetime together.Marriage is (or at least should be) the ultimate evidence of maturity, common sense because it is the point where you cease to be selfish and think of the world and life in terms of "I". Instead you are joined in a union of two to conquer the world together and the happiness and well-being of your partner becomes tantamount . Abjee Fotty's long married and head over heels in love cousin (after 11 years and 3 kids) describes himself and his wife as two people standing back to back with each other fending off whatever there is coming at them from the outside. If you have reached that point, then you are capable of anything and everything, no matter what the naysayers will grumble. In the Iranian culture there seems to be an attitude that it is the right of any family member particularly if they are older to interfere with the life of a young couple. Now some of them may do it out of true concern and kindness, but end up suffocating you with the weight of their wisdom. They have gone through many ups and downs and if they love you, they want to protect you and forewarn you of things to come. They have simply forgotten that part of the excitement and the growing experience that is marriage is to confront these things together. Others may just do it because they have no life or a miserable life and they project their own unhappiness and prejudice on the bright-eyed, hopeful youngsters starting on their own journey. No matter what the motives are, you certainly have a right to be disgruntled at their interference. Especially if instad of simple advice or observation, they make you feel as if
you have to seek their permission to get married. Try to analyze among your close
ones the different motives that may push them to be such a nuisance (sometimes without
even realizing it themselves). Once you put yourself in others' shoes it becomes
easier to figure out how to deal with them. For example, if your mom is nagging you
out of her fear and love for you, you can sit down with her and gently but firmly
explain your position. Remember that ultimately you are still considered a child
in some people's eyes even though you have long ago grown up and become independent.
It is hard to let go of that image and accept that the bird is flying away from the
nest. But you are an adult now and you have to take that step. Just remember how
you feel today when it comes the turn of your own children.
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