July 17, 2002
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I am an Iranian male in my late twenties. To this date I have been a virgin
because I believe that I should be making love to a woman whom I am in love with.
I have not found her yet and therefore I am not prepared to engage in sexual acitivities
with just anyone. I don't have any regrets on this decision and am still a firm believer
However, my friends say that I should get experience fast since if I find the
real "girl" she will expect (whether she is a virgin or not) some level
of experience. I am confused and I still dont like the idea but my friends also have
a point. What do you think?
Sleepless in Kandehar
Abjee Fotti and Abjee Pari write:
It is admirable that you have waited to fall in love before making love. Remember,
we can never go back to the first time, so you should try to make it a wonderful
experience, otherwise you have bad memories or worse, no memories at all. Since
you have waited so long, why is it that now peer pressure is making you uncertain?
The woman you eventually fall in love with, whether she is a virgin or not, will
not demand experience from you so much as kindness, tenderness, patience, and love.
With these ingredients, you can explore together for the first time the joys of
such an intimate physical and emotional connection. So we would not be worried about
that issue of experience that your friends are talking about. Perhaps it is not
so much what your friends say as what you yourself feel that is making you uncertain
about your decision.
It is certainly okay to want to explore sexual relationships even if one is not
"in love" with the partner. Sometimes, curiosity, hormones, physical attraction
are enough for the person to decide they want to experience "sex" even
if they have not fallen in love with that person yet. This is fine. You certainly
don't have to be in love with the person to enjoy sex, it just may be a thousand
times more satisfying when you are in love.
As long as you are straightforward and honest with your partner about your feelings,
I am sure you can find someone who is equally interested in just having a casual
physical relationship without getting too committed or "in love." Of course,
remember that for women, the act of sex has so many emotional connection that they
may give more significance to it than you do, despite what they tell you at the outset.
We notice you signed your letter Sleepless in Khandehar. We don't know whether you
actually are in Khandehar or not. Of course, if you are, then we don't think there
are many opportunities for you to explore sex without marriage because of the social
and cultural/religious climate. So it may be that you have to stick to your decision
to wait after all!
Please let us know if we can be of further help.
Abjee Pari and Abjee Fotti