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June 13, 2002 Send us your questions and comments * Am I being led astray? I met and fell very quickly in love with a man who is half Iranian. I am not from either culture and, I'm having a hard time trusting my situation. From the beginning he explained that he was engaged to a woman, arranged by his parents, and he is not in love with her and plans to change that. In the beginning, I was not aware that this woman was in the same city as we were and that she spends a lot of her time with him, (when there is time) helping him (cooking and cleaning). When I ask questions, everything seems to fit and he seems to be honest about everything including his feelings towards me. I trust him when we speak about it. But, when we're apart the circustances seem so unreal and I have a hard time trusting him. I want to trust him desperately and it's so easy to believe the things he says to me. I love him so much. I just can't seem to get comfortable when I'm only getting fragments of his life and heart. He tells me over and over how much he loves me and wants to be with me 100% and is thinking of ways to be together but the attempts always end in futility. There is a risk that she will find out about us and he wants to prevent that since he feels he needs to tell his father first (not over the phone) - face to face. The scene in 'When Harry Met Sally' keeps popping into my head "nobody
thinks he's ever going to leave her" - am I that naive? Have I landed in a set
of circustances where I'm being led astray? I can't tell because I'm not in his life
and I don't know enough about the cultural differences. I don't want to keep asking
questions and doubting him; so I've chosen to shut up and now I feel myself backing
off. I still can't relax and I'm starting to put up walls. I will not stay unprotected.
Please let me know your objective opinion - does he really love me and really plan
on leaving her or am I wasting my time? Thank you for your time.
Abjee Fotti and Abjee Pari write: The relationship you describe is SO unhealthy emotionally that the abjeez wonder what kind of low self-esteem you have to make you put up with this nightmare! Fine, arranged marriages are still relatively common in Iranian culture but that is not an excuse for what you boyfriend is putting you through. Is he a mindless robot following a tradition ot is he a MAN, with a mind of his own? At some point in his life, especially after living for many years in a Western land and falling in love (supposedly) with a Western girl, he should wake up and smell the coffee. Either he is going back to Iran and he will take on the role of the dutiful son and husband, or if he wants to stay in England, he has to realize he has to think for himself and not according to some cultural tenet that is alien to his new country. But in your case, it seems your man wants to eat his cake and have it too. Leading a double life. On one side, he has the western girlfriend and lifestyle, on the other hand he remains true to what he deems his responsibilities towards family and his virginal bride to be. But he is hurting EVERYONE in the process. If as you say, he is truly in love with you, he is only delaying the inevitable task of breaking off his engagement to the other woman out of cowardice. He is hurting her too because he is keeping her available for him while if he was homest wither her and take the consequences as a man, she can at least lick her wounds and move on with her life. He prefers you to shut up and keep blindly trusting him while he still makes up
his mind as to what he wants to do with his life. You are asking us in our objective
opinion - does he really To the latter part of your question, we would say that you are definitely wasting
your time loving a man who is so incapable of sparing your feelings while supposedly
"loving" you. If you had a similar arrangement with another man in the
picture, would he stand for it for a second while you kept assuring him there was
nothing to mistrust and stop badgering you with questions? We understand love is
blind and you may still be under the illusion of the honeymoon period of the relationship
i.e. the beginning, where you spent time together, and he paid attention to you,
and all your hopes and dreams started to form. Our advice is: Dump him and run! But if you can't do that and feel "so in looooove" then give him an ultimatum: that is the surest and quickest way to get him to make up his mind once and for all. If he truly loves you more than he fears his father, he will choose you and break up with the other woman (the poor unsuspecting soul). If he does choose you, well, we hope that your love is strong and long-lasting enough to deal with his character flaws in the future. You already sound angry and resentful and mistrusting (rightly so!) and this is not the healthiest start for a long term relationship. Good luck and take care,
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