March 18, 2002 The Iranian
Send us your questions
* Sexual compatiblity
Thank you for your timely reply to my
size woes! That was really meant for comic relief, as I am far from a
playboy, and consider myself an enlightened person that has more respect for women
than mere sex objects. Nevertheless, that question was a disguise for a more serious
I have met an Iranian woman that I am very fond of. She happens to be a virgin,
and I do not wish to seduce her into engaging in premarital sex, which happens to
be against her beliefs. However, I am a bit worried about getting married without
knowing whether we are sexually compatible.
While I do know how to treat a woman, I can't help but think that the physical
part of the relationship has to be fairly important. I have never dated an Iranian
woman, nor a virgin before this, and am in unchartered territory.
While I don't want to get into a detailed discussion of my physical attributes,
in the past I've not had much problems in that department. Should I worry, or should
I try to find someone that is more open to premarital sex, as I am getting ready
to settle down? If your answer is the same, or if I have already taken too much of
your time, you need not reply.
Abjee Fotti and Abjee Pari write:
Dear Iran Doost,
The abjeez are happy to welcome you back on your second visit to our khooneh.
And thank you for being a good sport regarding our somewhate terse reply to your
dilemna last time. Call it tough love! :o)
Regarding your current question, while we do not want to sound like a broken record,
the abjeez'perspective, as women, would lead us to underline (again) that sexual
compatibility, as you call it, is not ONLY a physical matter, but can only come about
with a solid foundation of emotional intimacy, trust, and of course, love.
The abjeez'question is: Are you considering marriage to this woman because you really
LOVE her and can envision spending the rest of your life with her? Or are you considering
a drastic step only because it is the only way you can have sex with her?
Sorry again to sound harsh, but your concerns show that you are more worried with
your personal satisfaction (i.e. will you be able to have a good time in bed with
someone who you haven't "tried" before?) than grasping the significance
of making a strong commitment of marriage, which is a union of TWO. You say that
you are "fond" of this woman but you don't want to "seduce" her.
But you do not want to marry someone that you are merely "fond" of, do
The fact that you say you don't want to "seduce" her sounds like at
the back of your mind, you know already that is all that this act means to you: a
conquest. The fact that you would even consider dumping this woman and looking for
someone who is into pre-marital sex leads the abjeez to believe that you are not
really that attached to this woman.
If you truly love her, have respect for her, and are committed to her, then the
fact that she wants to stay a virgin before marriage would not even enter your mind
as an obstacle because, with any sexual relationship, it is the level of emotional
intimacy, the passion and the love, that will make it a fulfilling experience, not
Our advice would be to move on because you seem not ready to make a serious commitment
like marriage and if you get involved with this woman for the wrong reasons, you
will only end up hurting both her and yourself in the end. Seems like you are not
done sowing your wild oats yet, which is fine. You will only be ready to marry once
you stop confusing sexual pleasure with true love.
Take care, and good luck!
Abjee Pari and Abjee Fotti