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March 6, 2002
The Iranian
Send us your questions
and comments
* She can't say "I love you"
Okay, the prob is this: even with a lot of self-education, Farsi, culture,
etc. there are a lot of things I cannot find out about this lady's 'psyche'. For
one thing, she says it is culturally impossible for her to return my 'I love you'.
She insists that my knowing how she feels is = to her verbalizing it. Why/how
is it hard for her to say, what we both know she feels, EVEN HERSELF? We both see
each other as soulmates, so why cannot she say how she loves me?
She is around mid-forties, been in here for about seven years, if that helps
any.
DV
 Reply
Abjee Fotti and Abjee Pari write:
Dear DV,
Merci for your letter and omidvaarim that we can dispel some of your confusion.
We are assuming that you are American and by saying your lady friend has lived "here"
for the past seven years, you mean the United States.
First of all, we commend you on your efforts to immerse yourself in a culture that
is very difficult to understand for someone who has not been raised in it. Learning
the language is one thing, but there are numerous subtle cultural aspects that often
leave even an Iranian-born person completely confused, never mind a foreigner!
One amazing aspect of falling in love with someone from a vastly different background
is that it is a truly a learning experience: You not only get to explore a whole
new person, but become familiar with a host of new things: language, arts, literature,
history, food, music etc. On the other hand, the very things that make the connection
so special can often also be the obstacles to successful communication and understanding.
Unless both people talk very openly, cultural differences and nuances can leave one
misunderstood and frustrated.
One expression can mean two vastly different things in two cultures. Also, there
are different notions of politeness or what is proper, that can sometimes lead to
embarassing results. But to focus on your specific problem, that is, your mate's
inability to say "I love you", we think the question you are asking is
whether her behaviour is justified by culture?
Well, we of course don't know this woman, and perhaps we are not the best positioned
to answer this, since the abjeez have lived outside Iran for most of their lives,
and your mate has moved here seven years ago (we are assuming, from Iran). From our
own personal experiences, and those of our peers, we can say that to say "I
love you" has never been a cultural problem. If in fact, it has ever been a
problem, it was more likely due to emotional hang-ups (such as fear and cautiousness
to open up and become so vulnerable again after a particularly bad break-up). Again,
for more anecdotal evidence, the abjeez's parents and extended family and friends,
who represent a generation that grew up in Iran for their formative years and beyond,
have never had a "cultural" problem in saying "I love you" to
their mates.
So, to make a long story short, it may be that your soulmate truly does care about
you but she is just shy or afraid to verbalize her feelings, because she may have
been hurt in the past. Have you ever talked about this issue? Perhaps, you should.
It would go a long way in understanding exactly "where" she is coming from,
not just culturally but emotionally. If the abjeez have guessed right, then we believe
that this problem may be resolved but you have to be patient with your lady love.
Time will build up the trust that strengthens the love you have each other, and the
fateful day will come when she will be able to put her fear asides and make the great
leap, knowing that you will be there to catch her.
Good luck on your future and come back anytime,
Ghorbanetoon,
Abjee Pari and Abjee Fotti
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