Advice May 3, 2002 The Iranian Send us your questions and comments * THAT IS JUST NOT RIGHT! I am 13 years old (gr.7), I really like the way that you give advice to people. That is why I have chosen you to help me with my problem. You see I have these friends that I've been friends with since Gr.4. We are best friends. But ever since this year, things have changed. One of them started making out, same with the other, and I just found out that recently they have tried drugs. AND THAT IS JUST NOT RIGHT! She even told me that she has gotten a drug that you inject to your self (I forgot the name, but it starts with C [its not coke]) so i dont want friends who do drugs, make out, flirt, swear, do bad in school work. I am totally the oposite. I get straight A's and I have dignity for myself to not throw myself at guyz! On the other hand I have this other friend who thinks the same way about my other friends. and this year is the last year of elementary and Jr. high is going to start next year. So my friends who agrees with me let's call her "D", and me want to STOP hanging out with them next year. The problem is that I dont know how to stop it. Like what am i going to say "I dont want to be your friend! (even though we have been best friends for 4 years now!)" and trust me I have tried talking them out of this mess but they just won't listen. I started hanging out with them in gr. 4 because back then I thought that popularity was EVERYTHING! and it's not... school's a place to learn. But an issue that freaks me out is that my friends have a very bad trait and that ist that if they dont like someone they talk about them in front of everyone in a bad way!!!and if I break it off in a bad way Jr high/high school will become a living hell for me. So i would really appreciate you telling me how D and I break it off! Thank you so much Abjeez! Mina Reply Abjee Fotti and Abjee Pari write: Dear Mina Thank you very much for your kind words regarding our column. It gives the abjeez much pleasure to learn that it is of use to our dear readers out there! We hope that we can live up to your expectation and provide you with the useful advice you are seeking in your case. First of all, we want to commend you on how mature and level-headed you have demonstrated yourself to be through your letter. It is not usual for such a young woman to hold the values that you have. Many who are older and supposedly wiser than you have fallen under the lure of peer pressure with devastating results to themselves. It is sad that young people want to grow up so fast and only to experience the more negative aspects of "adulthood" which is the freedom to self-destruct through drugs, promiscuity, etc. The abjeez are heartened at your attitude and think it is a wise decision to extract yourself from this influence. No matter how strong one stands up for oneself, it is always more difficult to say "no" repeatedly to the entreaties of those around you, especially persons who enjoy drugs because they always want to have someone else along to do the drugs with them. It is a way to validate themselves, make them feel that what they are doing is okay and justa bit of harmless fun. Now as to the core of your problem, which is how to end the relationship smoothly and without making enemies. In the abjeez's experience, ending a friendship can feel almost as bad if not worse than a break-up with a boyfriend. The reason it may feel worse is that at your age, relationship with friends are more long-lasting and close than any relationship with the opposite sex, usually. You share everything and the bond of friendship is almost sacred, even more than if you were sisters. However, this is also the age that the little girls that once were start to change sometimes radically and choose a different path in life. You are right in saying that peer pressure is often a reason that girls who no longer have anything in common and even have strong points of difference between each other remain under the "label" of friends. In junior high and high school, the pain that girls can inflict on each other if they are perceived as "enemies" of the group can feel ten times worse than what boys the same age do to each other. At least with boys, it seems that one physical beating can be the end all of all disagreements. But with girls, the campaign of rumours, nasty name-callings, making up gossip and lies, and other forms of subtle backstabbing can drag out forever, often leaving the victim psychologically scarred for life. The abjeez of course do not want the same to happen to you, even if you do have a good friend in D. who share the same values as you, so that you will not be left alone and helpless. One thing that may allevate your fears is that the termination of your friendship may come about as the choice of your former friends themselves. As we have described to you, people who indulge in that "party mentality" do not really want friends to hang around as "party buddies" i.e. non judgmental followers who will just validate their feeling of entitlement as to the choices they are making. So don't be surprised if, after all your admonishments to them and your strongly worded opinion that what they are doing is wrong, they are the first ones to pull away from you. In which case, it is best if you just let time do the work and gradually terminate the friendship. We definitely agree with you that to scream out "I just don't want to be friends with you anymore" is not the way to go about this delicate situation. The abjeez are saying that sometimes these things happen gradually, on their own, with both parties walking away. Things that you can do to speed up this process is perhaps to start by coming up wuth excuses about why you can't join your former friends in their "party plans". You can always bring up the excuse of family plans, or prior engagements. The abjeez usually do not advocate dishonesty but in this case, little white lies will just help to smooth the situation and leave everyone with less hurt feelings. Also, while it is kind of rude not to return phone calls at all, another suggestion would be to try to cut the conversation short when you do take their calls. Also, since you will be busy making plans with your new friend D., you should always leave open the option for your former friends to join in i.e. don't try to make it a secret. My guess is, given that your plans won't be of interest to your hard partying friends, they will decline anyway. But at least, you will not look as if you are deliberately trying to exclude them from your life. In short, the world of teen-age girls is quite a jungle out there! Fortunately, we have all been equipped genetically and through conditioning with certain social coping skills which can be used towards a diplomatic resolution of these types of conflicts. At least, the abjeez feel that's the best route to take in this matter. We wish you lots of luck on your life, which seemingly you won't need given that you have demonstrated that you already know your priorities. Come back for a shirnee and chayee with your abjeez any time. Ghorbanet, Abjee Pari and Abjee Fotti Comment for The Iranian letters section Comment for Abjeez Fotti and Pari ABJEEZ Latest Previous RELATED Kobra Khanom SECTIONS * Recent * Cover * Writers * Arts & lit * Opinion * Satire * History * Interviews * Travel * Women * Rights * Surveys * All sections

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