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April 17, 2003 Send us your questions and comments * One date wonder Dear Abjeez, I have a big problem, pleaseee help me. I have become a one date wonder. I seem to be a guy repellanttt and i dont know what to do about it. I am a 22 year old university student,I would say that i am very beautiful and very smart, i just got accepted into law school. Yet i just cant seem to be able to hold on to a guy! For the past 3 months i have dated 4 guys, and these are guys that really like me and pursuee me and yet i just cant get beyond the second or third date! I am starting to think im sabotaging myself and i dont know why. The first guy evrything wasgoing greatt, just perfect adn after our third date i got in a fight with him over politics and he never called me again. The second guy on our first date 30min before he was supposed to pick me up he emails me and says he cant make it emergency he has to dosomething, so i told him i never want to see him again. The third guy i met him on the internet and he seemed to really like me. We had politics and activism all in common. So it seemd like it would work but once he met me he just wanted to be friends!! And trust guys never want to just be frineds with me! I was shocked. The last guy on our second date we went to a club and we were having a great time, but at the end he decided to give his friends a ride home! I was mad. It was only our secondd date! Ididnt yell or anything but calmly told him that it was rude to pick up his friends when he was on a date with me. The next day he went and called my sister and told him about the whole incident. I just dont know why i keep doing this and why i cant keep my mouth shut!!! Abjeez please help meeee. G
Abjee Fotti and Abjee Pari write: Dear G, Don't necessarily put all the blame on yourself just because the dates you have had did not turn into a long time relationship. Dating is what it is, it is a chance to get to know each other and see if there is chemistry, compatibility, common interests. Dating is never "perfect" as you say. Rather there is an initial period where everything is rosy because you don't know the person very well, so if he appeals to you in the physical sense, you tend to groom him in your mind as your ideal mate. You and your first date got into a heated fight about politics, and he never called you again. Perhaps politics are such a fundamental part of his life that he could not fathom pursuing a relationship with you. This does not mean that you are lacking in your person, but simply that you had a fundamental disagreement with the way your perceive the world. Why would you want to "keep your mouth shut" or change yourself, as you indicate? It is better to be yourself up front so that you determine right off the bat if this is the right person for you. Sure, you can play games and change yourself to be the perfect mate for your date but how long do you think that will last? You seem opiniated, educated and ambitious, which is not a bad thing. To suppress that part of your personality to become a "stepford" date would be phony and disastrous in the end. As for your second date, you seemed to have jumped the gun a little bit. Emergency by definition is not planned. But your date still had the courtesy to let you know beforehand that he could not make it to your date. I don't know if email is really the best option to let you know, he could have picked up the phone. However, maybe he tried and could not reach you, or maybe email was the common means of communication between the two of you so he did not think it out of the ordinary. Why such an exteme reaction that you do not want to see him ever again? Maybe you should allow yourself to cool off a little bit before you take any rash decisions. If this was a real emergency, wouldn't you feel awful to think how thoughtless, self-centered and rude you seemed to dispatch such a message in a time of crisis? On the other hand, if this guy was just blowing you off, there was still nothing to be gained by being dismissive of him. He probably wouldn't have called again and you would not have put yourself in a potentially embarassing situation. Your third date was someone you never met face to face and your relationship developed on the internet, allowing for a meeting of the minds. However, in person, he told you he just wanted to be friends. While you may have been disappointed, please understand that, while you may be beautiful and successful as you describe yourself, chemistry between two people, even two attractive people, will not necessarily result. Don't take it so personally. At least, the guy was gracious enough to be honest with you and not lead you on. Dear "G", while you may have many good attributes such
as your physical beauty and your academic achievement, we suggest
a little patience and tolerance, a little down-to-earth-ness would be
beneficial to your dating experience. If all you want is for guys
to pursue you, then you have to realize that not all men will pay you
the same amount of attention that you desire. However, if you truly
want to develop a more serious relationship with someone, you have
to be more understanding. * Send this page to your friends
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