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December 1, 2003 Send us your questions and comments Question * Should I propose? This is kind of hard for me. Although I am only 21, and my girlfriend will turn 20 in December, we are both very much in love with each other. This relationship feels so different and unique compared to previous ones. I used to be the "No-Commitment Guy". With this girl... I am sooo in love that I am already thinking that she is the one I want to be with for the rest of my life. We have been dating for 7 months. All her friends around her are getting married, and one of her best friends called her today to tell her that she is getting married as well, and she wants her to be her maid of honor. Attending all these weddings and seeing friends get hitched makes me think of our own future. I don't know if she wants me to propose… or even if she thinks I am the one, for that matter. I know she loves me but I don't know how she would feel about a lifelong commitment. When do girls start thinking about marriage??? The thing is, she has told me she has been having a lot of marriage dreams lately that scare her because she says she is too young. She just laughs about it, but is she sending me a signal that she is not that serious, or is it a good sign that she is actually thinking about getting married? Anyway, could some of you women give a helpless male some insight into how to know if she is considering being with me for the rest of her life. Thank you, SK Abjee Fotti and Abjee Pari write: Dear S.K., So young and already so future-oriented! We don't
want you to think that because of your young age, we are automatically
going to
tell you that marriage is not right for you. It is less about age,
more about emotional maturity. And emotional maturity usually comes
after you have experienced life, gotten to know others as well as yourself. Once you leave high school, the relationships you form are usually more intense because maybe for the first time, you are sexually involved, you get to spend much more time together (especially if you are not living at home anymore), and you can play house together, which can be quite fun and make you feel like you are a "grown-up." The newness of experiencing an adult relationship may make you feel that indeed, this relationship is different than all the others. All we want from you is to make sure that you think before you jump to the next step. Is the marriage thing more about peer pressure i.e. seeing all your friends get married and feeling left out? Have you thought about the other aspects that marriage involves? Sorry to burst your bubble, marriage is not only about love, it is also about compatibility, maturity, trust, respect. There are also financial aspects of the marriage which no lovebirds want to consider but probably the number one reason people fight after marriage and end in divorce is because of money. Are you self-sufficient? Do you have a steady job, with prospects for the futurw? Can you support each other? Buy a house? Put aside fro your retirement? Pay your taxes? Also marriage is about family. Are you ready for the lifelong commitment of children? Changing diapers in the middle of night or rushing little tots from school to soccer practice to a home-cooked meal? You are right that your girlfriend's "Dreams" are giving you hints that she is just too young right now to jump into marriage. Please don't misunderstand her signs into thinking she does not love you. She may indeed love you very much, perhaps even more than you do. But she recognizes that right now, she is not strong enough or mature enough to take on all the heavy responsibilities of marriage. Although young people have problems like anyone else, there is definitely a freedom there that people anchored down by job demands and mortgages do not have. Don't waste these precious years. Finish your studies. Travel abroad and see the world. Explore career opportunities. Or start your own company. The world is your oyster. When the time is right, and the person is right, you will know it, you will feel it in the bottom of your heart and you will not hesitate. A simple rule is, if you have any doubts, it is not the right time to propose. Best of luck! * Send this page to your friends
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