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December 8, 2003 Send us your questions and comments Question * I love to be loved Dear Abjeez, I'm a 19 year old female, studying in a university. I'm a very hard-working girl and have a great goals in my life. However, I have a problem. I always look for love to make me feel good and to give me motivation in life. But I always meet the wrong people and I don't know why. Since I love to be loved and to give love to another person I tend to ignore the problems and differences I have with my partners in a relationship and try to live for the moment and I also get emotionally attached to my partner really fast and push them into a relationship. I try really hard not to get dependant on the other person but it never works out. Recently I have met this great guy. He has all the things I have been looking for in my dreams but unfortunately we have lots of differences and I try to ignore all of it becuase I think he is great and I can't find someone like him any more. We have just met for a month and I'm already really dependant on him and pushed him really hard. Now after a month he has told me that he wants to slow down and see if he can work out these differences. Since I'm really dependant on him I can't take this slowing down and I am scared to realize all of these differences and I'm feeling really upset. Please help me and tell me what to do so I can accept this slowing down and just keep my friendship with him and try to realize these differences and think about them. M Abjee Fotti and Abjee Pari write: Dear MF, You have an immense need to be loved and to love. That in itself is not a flaw in your character. This is simply being human. However, from what you describe, you seem to fall in love for the sake of loving and not with the actual person you are with. The actual person does not seem to matter as what they symbolize i.e. a filler for the huge emotional void you have in yourself for love. This may be why you jump through levels of relationship that ordinarily would take a much longer time to develop. And of course, the other person ends up feeling uncomfortable and scared. Dependency is not a dirty word per se. The very way in which a couple develops intimacy, is by becoming dependent on each other. But when you do not allow the intimacy to develop naturally, on its own, and as you say keep "pushing" the relationship, it becomes artificial intimacy. The following are all signs of an unhealthy artificial love: You crave your partner’s love as an important part of one of your own human survival needs. You become totally involved in the other person, neglecting your own life, social circle, and interests. You abandon all for the relationship. You panic at the thought of losing them in your life. You display jealousy and possessiveness. You think, "if only I could get them to change this or that, or behave this way or that way - then I would be happy." You expect the other partner to fix your issues. If one partner has a bad day, the other partner does too. You exchange your own identity with your partner, reacting to your partner's problems and upsets as if they were your own. You constantly look for approval and signs of love. You may cling to the other partner, much as a drowning man clings to a lifesaver. If the relationship were to end you would feel hopelessness, unworthiness, unloved, bitter, angry, resentful, vindictive, revengeful, panicky, and even suicidal. Your need for the love of others has become an obsessive, addictive need. You stick to it even if the relationship is an unhappy one, because it is based on personal neediness rather than as a loving enrichment to your life. What is this neediness that drives us to sacrifice all the good things that might await us, for a life of clinging misery? Absence of Identity. In other words, you feel you just don't exist outside the realm of another person's perception. You say that you want to love others and have others love you, but you have overlooked one important aspect of love which is self-love. You should stop trying to control the way others feel about you and look deep within yourself and ask yourself: Do you love yourself? What is your identity? With no knowledge of your identity and no love for your identity, you cannot possibly begin to find real love with someone else nor get them to love you back. Prioritize your life. Your goal should not be right now to find your prince charming because even if you were to meet him, you are not emotionally ready to embrace a true love with him. Your priority right now is to develop yourself first. Unless you start feeling secure in your own value and worth without the other person's validation, you will sabotage your relationship. In order to destroy this unhealthy emotional pattern in your life, you have to go through an addiction-recovery program, just like any other sorts of addictions, being drug or alcohol abuse. You must first set up a definite plan of "sobriety", preferably one that is written and that has realistic goals set on it. Also, you have to choose a person who will help you to stick to your plan. This can be a therapist, a member of your religious community, a family member or any other trustworthy and tolerant figure. You may want to opt for complete abstinence from romantic relationships and sex for a defined period of time, and the free time will allow you to gain personal perspective or address a particular issue. As the love and sex addict recovers, they begin to discover themselves in new and unexpected ways. Time formerly put into flirtation and 'the hunt', now may go into family involvement and work. Creativity formerly used to seduce or attract now goes into hobbies, self-care and healthy relationship exploration. This self-redefinition allows the love and sex addict to have a much clearer understanding of healthy partnerships. As the single person begins to really recover and their self esteem and understanding improves, so does their choice of dating and romantic partners. No longer willing to take anyone who might have them or give him or her away, they begin to develop clear criteria (often written down) of the type of partners they wish to engage. As hope and honesty slowly replace despair and superficiality, the recovery process brings about a deepening maturity and sense of choice that the addict may have never previously known. Best wishes, * Send this page to your friends
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