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December 23, 2003 Send us your questions and comments Question * Lonely Christmas Dear Abjeez, Abjee Fotti and Abjee Pari write: Dear Violet, First of all, we want to tell you that the abjeez have been there! So you definitely picked the right people to come to with your problem. It is almost as if Abjee Fotty is reading her own life when reading your letter, or at least her life in the past. You may be surprised to know how many people feel intensely stressed out during the holidays, even those who spend it with family or friends around them. Being among people is definitely not the cure for feeling lonely. Unfortunately, because the holiday season has been so idealized in mass media, the regular feelings of stress, loneliness and loss can be magnified during this time. You are prone to becoming depressed because you imagine that everyone else is enjoying a warm, idealized family experience, while you are on the outside looking in. Even people who enjoy the holidays can find them stressful. This is a time of year when people are stretched for time, energy and money - particularly the latter. Dear Violet, you have to remember that this time of year is just like any other time i.e. don't look at yourself in a new light or second guess your life altering decisions simply because there is an increased nostalgia at this time of year. Although you may have left family and friends behind geographically, they are still in your mind and thoughts just as you are in theirs. Now is a good time to make a list of all those people who care about you in your life, parents, grandparents, siblings, aunts, Uncles and cousins, as well as friends and suddenly you realize how very blessed you are. People often focus on what they don't have. And they don't spend time on what they do have. It's a state of mind. They don't realize it's temporary. They focus on memories of when they were younger, or when they had someone -- a partner. Take the time to write each and every person a card or a letter telling them how special they are in your life. This is not only a very nice thing to do for them but also it will make you realize what you do have as opposed to what you don't have. Also, I know this will sound trite, but just because you do not have guests at your home this year does not mean you shouldn't go with the whole Christmas deco thing. In fact, now more than ever is the time to make your house feel and look Christmasy. Not only will it keep you busy but also it gives you such a happy feeling to walk into the home and see all the lights and candles and Christmas tree etc. If you don't have them already, treat yourself to a couple of great holidays CDs, settle in with a nice hot chocolate and write or call your family and friends. If you're feeling blue, reach out to help others. It takes your mind off of your own troubles and makes you feel good. Serve at a soup kitchen on Christmas Eve or volunteer at a toy drive. Don't feel sorry for yourself. Self pity is the worst thing to do, especially when you see so many out there who have much less than you have but still are happy just to survive. Listen, you know that your friends and family are all just a plane away. If you feel you cannot cope without them by your side, you should simply go and visit them. Maybe they can help you with the costs of the airfare as your Christmas present! But be sure that it is only a visit. Do not make any life altering decision at the time of holidays. You took a huge chance by "starting off with a clean slate" as
you said. For you to make this dramatic move cross country must
mean you took a lot of time and consideration before doing it. Don't
quit now and fall back into old patterns. Making it on your own
and achieving independence will be the best resolution you can have for
the New Year. * Send this page to your friends
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