July 9, 2003
The Iranian

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* My Allah guide my gay son

Asalaam aleikom wa rahmatuallah wa barakatoh,

Please advise me. I'm a desperate mother of a seventeen year old son. I fear for his life and the punishment he will receive from Allah. I feel so guilty, as I have failed as a mother. I was trying to be a good example of a Muslimah for my family. What can I do?

I'm remarried to a Muslim man, my son's stepfather. He just found out by accident that my son is attracted to men. My son is a fairly new Muslim for almost 2 years. This is a total shock for my husband and I. I fear for my son and also my marriage. I cannot accept my son's behavior as we all know very well this is one of the biggest sins.

I love my son and I don't know what I can do. I don't want him to kill himself, and I fear that will happen if he finds out that I know. My husband has confronted my son and told him that he was aware my son had been viewing websites that had films of men having sex. He confronted him in a discreet manner and after denying it my son eventually told him the truth.

I am utterly disgusted and shocked. I cannot believe how naive I am. I thought my son was so innocent. All this time he has been lying and sneaking around behind our backs.

At this point my husband thought it was best not to tell my son that I have any knowledge of his desires. I am torn apart and I want to hug my son and cry to him and ask him why. At the same time I want to beat him with everything I have inside of me. You cannot imagine the rage I am feeling. I can't eat or think. I just keep praying.

I talked to my son about his grades and plans for college, because I can't confront him. He is falling behind and his grades are suffering now. I am trying to relate everything I'm discussing with him emphasizing Allah's Quran.

I am so scared. I have to help my son. I can't tell him I know at this point, because he has promised my husband to stop thinking like this. He also begged my husband not to tell me. My heart is ripped open and I feel like a failure as a mother. This is the biggest hardest test Allah has given me so far. This is the worst nightmare a mother could have in regards to her son.

I have to make a solid effort to do everything in my power, with Allah's guidance and blessings to guide my son back to the right path. Should I tell my son I know? Or should we spy on him to see if he sincerely wants to change? Or should I just lock him away from the world in another country. I cannot begin to express my feelings. This is the most devastating news I've ever had to be slapped in the face with.

We have restricted everything from him. He has no computer access, no transportation, his health club membership is over. All of his posters and magazines are in the garbage. He is restricted to work, school, and he plays sports. I don't know where he is safe now. He thinks I'm punishing him because of his grades. I don't think I can ever trust him again.

Please respond with some advice or refer me to someone who can help. Actually I would prefer that you don't publish this page. Absolutely don't mention my name.

DV

Reply

Abjee Fotti and Abjee Pari write:

Trying to force your religious beliefs on your son, no matter how strongly you have chosen them, is wrong. Punishing him for something that is part of his identity is also misguided.

You have devoted yourself in reading words on a page without grasping the essence of a higher moral, spiritual and human truth: That is, you are a mother and a human being, before being a "Muslim". You have allowed the natural human feelings which are love and support for your son, your own flesh and blood, to be stifled by a blind and narrow-minded absorption of someone else's idea of what morality is.

The basic issue comes down to whether you are ready to lose your son to your husband and your marriage, and the faith that he has pressured you to adopt.

If you are feeling rage and an uncontrollable feeling to hurt your son physically, you have to get yourself into counseling to find ways to deal with those urges and not act upon them as this act would be both immoral and criminal. You also have to change the stifling emotional environment you have created, which is so unhealthy that your son is afraid of being honest and open with you. The worst thing we can do to our children is to break down the mean of communication. There is enough hate, violence and fear in the world out there that your son will have to deal with, without you adding fuel to the fire.

If you cannot be supportive of your son, at least you should not harm him either emotionally or physically. Putting him in a sort of prison, which is what you have done, will do nothing to alleviate your family situation.

The best thing to do would be to get your whole family into a group type of counseling however if you are not ready to do that, as we are sure you are not, and you persist in your egocentric view of your moral superiority, then your son will eventually leave you and you will have lost him forever.

If you have any maternal instincts and feelings of compassion left in you, you will do the right thing and help your son instead of trying to destroy him. The punishment he is getting from you now is worse than any punishment "allah" would inflict on him, as any god would be more merciful to his creature than what you have shown to be.

Abjee Pari and Abjee Fotti

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