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July 26, 2003 Send us your questions and comments * Once a cheater Dear Abjeez, Is the old saying "once a cheater, always a cheater" really true in every case? I've been going out with my boyfriend for three months. One night, there was a fun event at a nightclub but I could not go and had to study. I told my boyfriend to go ahead with his own friends, why should I spoil the fun for him? Afterwards, I found out from my friend's sister that he was chatting up his ex-girlfriend at the club, and holding hands with her the whole time. I don't know what hurts the most, the fact that he did that or that he was so brazen about it, knowing that I can find out from my friends. I confronted him and said I don't want to see him ever again. I felt so humiliated. But he wants to get back with me and has been showering me with gifts and begging my friends to talk to me. He even showed up at my door with tears in his eyes. His take is that it was no big deal, just holding hands, he didn't even kiss her. Should I trust him again? I have to be honest. I still love him. But do I risk going through that hurt again? Please help! Hurt and Wondering
Abjee Fotti and Abjee Pari write: Dear Hurt and Wondering, Infidelity comes in many forms, from holding hands to a few stolen kisses to a full-blown affair. But no matter the degree, it always hurts. You are certainly entitled to feeling hurt and your boyfriend's statements that it is no big deal are just adding insult to injury. He is being insensitive, and also he is alleviating his guilt because if you accept what he says and take him back, it reaffirms in his mind that he did nothing wrong. So, what's to prevent him from the next time kissing someone and then saying well it was no big deal, it was just a kiss I didn't sleep with her! The first step you have to take before getting back together with him is to define your boundaries, what is and what is not acceptable to you. Sometimes, people are testing you to see what they can get away with. This applies not only to boyfriends but even friends and relatives. It is important that you get it straight in your head that you were not the culprit in this case and he cannot switch the tables on you by making you feel like you are overreacting. If he doesn't accept your point of view, then there is no point in getting back together because the cycle continues. You have to find someone in your life who shares the same values as you. If your partner is narcissistic (thinks only of himself) and impulsive, he's more likely to cheat. If he's conscientious, empathetic, and doesn't think he's the center of the universe, he's less likely to do it again. While love and passion are essential ingredients to a relationship, respect and loyalty are two other elements that are as important. Here your boyfriend not only disrespected you by flirting with his ex-girlfriend but he did it in a public place knowing that the news could get back to you. We would interpret that as a sign that he wanted to get caught, and gage your reaction. It may be arrogance on his part (see what he can get away with and how much he controls you), or it may be a sick desire to have a little more drama in his relationship (by making you jealous). It may have been because he wants to terminate the relationship and didn't know how to tell you. You have to determine whether his efforts at getting back together with
you is because he is truly sorry and genuinely wants to salvage the relationship
or because he just wants to soothe his guilt and not appear to be such
a bad guy in front of your mutual friends. If you decide to stay together, both of you will need to be patient. It can take a long time for you to trust your partner again. As you heal, watch for these pitfalls: Revenge Cheating: He cheated on you so you do the same with one of your ex-boyfriend. It's normal to fantasize about "getting even," but don't let yourself act on it. Crazy Jealousy: Once your suspicion has been rightfully aroused, it's hard to silence the nagging voice that asks whether he really is where he said he's going to be. The next time your partner comes home late, however, don't grill him about where he's been or accuse him of misbehaving. It's bound to start a fight, which can further erode the relationship. Rehashing the Past: At the time of the crime, you let it slide, but now you're haunted by questions such as: Was your rival a better lover than you? Is he still thinking about her? No matter how curious you are, don't probe. The answers will only hurt, and cause you to relive the agony all over again. We wish you lots of luck and are sure you will make the right decision for you. Best, * Send this page to your friends
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