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July 31, 2003 Send us your questions and comments Question * My husband's rude friends, Part 1 Dear Abjeez, I would appreciate your opinion: I love my husband and most of his Iranian friends dearly. So, what's the problem? Their rude and disrespectful wives and children. First of all, as a working mother, it is lots of work for me to cook, clean and shop to prepare to have them all for dinner. Then when they come, the son complains about our food (the parents do nothing), refuses to say hello or good-bye to me (yet my husband is AMOO and gets hugs and kisses), and very rude to our toddler son who is significantly younger than their son. I feel like a prisoner when they come because my husband will not speak up while the mother acts like her son is Jesus Christ come back to earth. The Iranian father knows his son is a little beast and is very embarrassed by both their behavior but says nothing. The last time we went to their home, I tried to kiss their son and wish him a happy new year. (A month before, I had given him a nice gift.) He shoved me so hard, my ribs hurt. Then he promptly ran to kiss my husband and said "Oh AMOO!!". His mother stood there and said nothing and so did my husband. I voiced my objection, but nobody supported me. You know, I get the idea that Iranian kids would call a stranger on the street AMOO, but the wife of the Amoo, who remembers birthdays, christmas, etc., drives to the crowded mall, buys the gifts, wraps them, cooks the food, etc. is just the piece of chopped liver in the corner married to the Amoo. Now I am being pressured to have them over again. I am tired of having people in my home who treat me this way. This causes major tension between my husband and myself because this guy is his best and oldest friend. I told my husband we could have them over only on condition that this stuff is straightened up once and for all. Guess what, he is angry. Now, I ask you, what to do? Because you see, the husband has been a wonderful friend to us. It's his precious little family that makes us all so upset. I am tempted to tell my husband to go visit him on his own time and I will cultivate relationships with those who know how to act inside my home. But you know, the pressure to have them over from my husband will probably never stop! >>> See part 2 HELP!!!!! A Disappointed and Tired Wife
Abjee Fotti and Abjee Pari write: Dear Disappointed and Tired Wife: You deserve peace, happiness, respect and privacy
(even safety) in your own home. If you feel that the friend's son is
exhibiting unsafe or even rude manners towards you and your younger
son, you have a duty to safekeep his well being even at the cost of friendship. While you are a wife and mother and part of that is to at least try to get along with his friends and entertain them from time to time, you do not have to be a 24 hours maid/cook/etc. Limit the invitations to a certain number of times a month (i.e. not all week-ends please, you need some time to rest). Tell your husband not to invite guests without consulting you (this is just common courtesy as you would consult him regarding inviting your own friends) and make sure these dinner parties do not occur at the end of a long tiring work day. Instead of always cooking at home, you can invite them to dinner outside. There are lots of kids friendly restaurants that could accomodate you! Or, just order delivered food, it is as yummy as homecooking and often people won't even notice the difference. If you have the means to , you can get some help for that day to help you clean up after the guests are gone and the dishes are piled high. Also, your husband has a duty to
help out with the festivities after all they are his guests too. Don't
take so much on your shoulders or you will undoubtedly grow so bitter
and resentful that you will not only destroy friendships but your marriage
as well. A good idea is to invite your own friends from time to time
so that your social life is not totally monopolized by your husband's
friends. Then, when he is walking in your shoes, he may be more understanding
that you feel like an outcast always trying to peek in. We are not saying it is right for the friend's kid to have shoved you or not to say hello and goodbye, we are simply saying perhaps he is scared of you or he dislikes you because he feels the same dislike emanating from you. Presents are just material things . A genuine interest in someone, a comforting smile or pat on the head can go a long way to improving relationships between adults and children. WE do not know the specifics of your situation: You have to look within yourself and conclude whether you have made a genuine effort to make your guests (all of them) feel comfortable and included in your home. Little body language such as rolling of the eyes or wincing can tell a lot about a person. Perhaps
there is a language or cultural barrier to be overcome (It seems that
you are not Iranian). The wives may feel intimidated by you if they
are homemakers and you are a career woman. They may be offended at what
they
perceived as your unfriendliness. Sometimes, you have to make an effort
at breaking the ice. That way, if the rude manners continue, at least
you can tell your husband you have genuinely tried. Question-2 * My husband's rude friends, Part 2 Dear Abjeez, Thanks for your reply and so prompt too. Yes, you are right, there is lots of resentment seething under the surface and yes you are right, I am not Iranian, although married to one for so long I feel I am part-Iranian at least! I cook great Iranian food, and speak Farsi. Have travelled to Iran several times. I enjoy the culture, art and history. I have wonderful Iranian in-laws whom I would not trade for the world. Let me clarify: I do not resent cooking and cleaning to entertain for people when they come here and we can all have a good time and I can feel respected in my own home. I only resent doing it for people who I feel disrespect me because it is lots of work, plain and simple, and time is always in short supply for all of us. I really feel that there is sexism and racism at the heart of it. The men are more important and the women less so. And there seems to be so little tolerance or understanding of my culture from the female part of the couple. It seems that I am just a little too good at picking up on it. I am told by my husband to just put up with their rudeness. I've been putting up with it for years. I do feel that I have made a genuine effort with this particular wife and child. Don't misunderstand me - I do get along with plenty of my husband's other friends' spouses. It's just that these are the ones who my husband pressures me to invite over and I am tired of it. As a matter of fact, there are other Iranian couples that I ADORE hanging around with and love to entertain. It's just that I feel I have been put in a straight-jacket of politeness and have had to put up with things that I feel are unacceptable from these people. My husband is bothered greatly by this family's behaviour too, complains about it to me, but always puts up with it and hushes me up for the sake of his long-standing friendship with his friend. I have said to my husband time and again, if he really is your friend, then surely he would care enough about how you feel if you sat down and had a heart-to-heart talk. I believe it is very difficult to find couples that are compatible with each other. Not only do the same sexes have to match, but everybody has to match each other. I love these people, but I feel I have no rights when it comes to speaking up about things with their son and so much has built up over the years that I am just fed up with it. When I mentioned that I had bought a gift for the kid, I did that in passing. In a letter it is difficult to mention everything. Let me clarify: I have also spent time trying to get to know this child: showing an interest in his life, his school, his sports. Buying him books written by my dear family friend who is an author and trying to share that with him. I am a more quiet person. I don't run in to the room and roll on the floor with the kids like a big puppy like my husband. I show my affection in quiet but consistent ways: a sincere how are you? How is school? Tell me about your friends. Everything okay? Remembering all the birthdays, buying the gifts and always showing up with them. That interest, steadiness and consistency is how I show my love for people, not by showering them with loud noisy affection and slobbery kisses. I really feel that because this child is just so spoiled, that because I do not cater to him as the center of the universe, and because he's been taught from day one that he should always acknowledge Amoo, but no mention of the wife is made, he picks up on that. It has in my opinion been his training. In my own family, children are trained to say hello and good-bye to both parts of the couple. This child's grandmother still feeds him with her own hands, and he's already 10 years old. The mother already stated several years ago that this is how she likes it with her son and that's too bad. I think that's a very unbalanced situation with regards to this child. I have a different philosphy for my son: I want him to respect others, and realize he is not always the center of the world, and also to be as independent as he can. Just last week, another wife of an Iranian friend and I had a frank discussion where she told me things that my son did at her house. I didn't like hearing it in the beginning, but I give her credit - I respect her adult intelligence. These issues were addressed with our son. He must behave respectfully at everyone's house. I have never told this other mother how to raise her son, but I think the son senses that I will not spoil him, so he doesn't like that. Anyway, for me the situation as it remains with these people is untenable. And unless my husband wants to change it with me, I hold little hope that it can improve. I begged my husband to sit down with me with these people to talk it over so it wouldn't ruin the friendship but he is uncomfortable. Maybe deep down inside we all know that if we confront the child's behavior, the wife will become too angry. You know, If he loves his friend so much, maybe the two of them can just go out for dinner!! Thanks for caring and for listening. A Disappointed and Tired Wife
Abjee Fotti and Abjee Pari write: Dear Tired Wife: Depending on how old he is, use the appropriate language. Tell him that polite little boys say hello and goodbye to the adults in the room when they come on a visit. If he grabs his plate of food wirhout saying thank you, you hold on to the plate and you say: "When someone serves you a meal, the proper thing is to say thank you." And so on and so forth. You already know and can predict his behavior so it should be easy to prepare your responses beforehand. If this has the effect of embarassing his mother, so be it!!!! Maybe it will be a wake-up
call for her. Believe us when we tell you, she is very well aware of
her spoiling her kid and the fact that she says she "likes" it
only means that she has decided she can take her liberties with you whereas
in other circumstances, with different people that she has respect for
(or fears) she would not DARE bring her child or control him. For example,
I am sure she woul dnot exhibit the same kind of laissez faire attittude
in front of the boss and his family!!! Best regards, * Send this page to your friends
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