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June 4, 2003 Send us your questions and comments * Sex outside of marriage. Why not. Dear Abjeez, I have been married for over 11 years and love my wife probably more than I did when I first met her. We have a lovely little baby girl who is our pride and joy. I cannot possibly imagine life without either of them. My wife and I have gone through many challenges and hardships that life has thrown in our paths. I believe that we have grown to be stronger and more complete individuals because of said challenges. Through it all, the one constant in our lives has been the love we have for each other. Recently, upon return from a business trip, my wife discovered a certain item in my briefcase which, correctly I might add, made her suspicious that I had been unfaithful. The fact of the matter is, however, although I did entertain the thought, the guilt trip prevented me from doing anything. I am guilty of thinking about it, as charged, but in actuality did not commit adultery. Needless to say, this has created a dilemma in our marriage with the central issue being the loss of trust by my beloved wife. Life has been bitter since her discovery but eventually once the bitterness subsided, we started talking candidly about the whole issue of faithfulness. Our discussions revealed a willingness by both of us to explore alternative sexual partners. The fact of the matter is that young, attractive individuals through their normal daily life encounters come across situations where they feel magnetism and sheer physical attraction to others. What is wrong with adultery strictly for the sake of sex? Is it too simplistic to think that sex outside of one's marriage can be practiced for purely physical reasons without actually influencing ones relationships? The question is, why should people deprive themselves of alternative carnal pleasures just because they are living within the social confines of what society calls "marriage"? Should such an outlook be necessarily synonymous with something "dirty" and "disgusting"? Your insightful assessment of such a situation is most welcomed not only
by me but most probably by many others in similar predicaments.
Abjee Fotti and Abjee Pari write: Dear AZ: I don't know why for some people it sounds like a death sentence to sleep
"only" with your partner for the rest of your life. We would
think people who enter the commitment of marriage do it because they have
done it all and seen it all in the dating pool and finally have found
their match not only emtoionally or socially but sexually as well. Your wife may agree with you to explore other sexual relationships simply because she is afraid to lose you, or she thinks that by being open, at least you won't go behind her back and she will have some degree of control over who you sleep with and don't. But even as much as a man can make himself believe that sex is nothing than pure mechanics, there is no way to predict what the emotional aftermath will be. How do you know how you will feel the morning after you sleep with another person. What if you get into an affair, a pattern? There is no way you can't let the emotional be involved. Even if you have one night stand after one night stand, the emotional consequence will be felt at home, in your relationship with your wife. And think honestly to yourself, how would you feel knowing at this very instant your wife is disrobing, caressing, kissing and embracing another man? Do you honestly believe you can be rational about it and think of sex as a purely physical experience. Not to sound pompous, but we think of another famous guy who had the
hubris to think he could be a rational being and not feel guilt, remorse
or any other human emotions after he committed a crime. His name was Raskolnikov
and we all know what happened to him. Of course, it was not the same moral
crime, but you get the picture? We are all too human to pretend to be
some kind of rational and logical superbeings. You entered what you call the "social confine of marriage"
by your own volition. If it is a radical lifestyle change you want, you
have to also have divorce and separation from your family with it. You
can't have your cake and eat it too. Nowadays, seems you don't even have to hit your fifties to have a mid-life
crisis. Instead of having an affair, maybe you should take a lengthy vacation
with your wife (leaving your child with one of your parents) and rediscover
the spark that you have lost and now makes you long for those "purely
physical" sexual experiences of yonder. If you are bold enough, you
may even go to one of those couples retreat who offer not only respite
and relaxation but also counseling. * Send this page to your friends
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