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March 3, 2003
The Iranian
Send us your questions
and comments
* He's still in my thoughts
I wrote you a letter for about five months ago and the subjuct was "The first time I
saw him" on your website. When I got your response I was kind of
shocked and surprised, I didn't expect to get such an honest answer and guidance.
I guess I'm not that shy these days, I don't know if I ever were, because I think
that people are more or less shy. But there is still a thing, I guess I still got
that hung up on that guy. The feelings have been reduced, but he is still in my thoughts.
I don't know, am I still stuck were I was five months ago or? What should I do?
Ms. Irani
 Reply
Abjee Fotti and Abjee Pari write:
Dear Ms. Irani:
Thank you for your letter. We love to get updates on our readers. We are glad to
see that you are "not that shy" these days. Perhaps we had a small part
in helping you come out of your shell. That is great!
Regarding your crush, as we remember, this was a man that you had glimpsed a sight
of while on vacation thousands of miles away from home. You had told us that you
never worked up the nerve to actually speak to him. When you did decide to go find
him and talk to him, however it was too late. It was the last day of your vacation
before heading back home and you could not find him. You were also not sure if you
would ever see him again.
As much as we may have shocked you with our previous advice to you, you must understand
that we were equally surprised that you haf fallen so deep in love with a man that
you had never spoken to. For the abjeez, true love requires the most in-depth understanding
and acceptance between two persons. This means that at the very least, they should
talk to each other and get to know each other. Without this basic communication,
there can be no love but rather just a crush or infatuation based on physical looks.
Your letter however indicates that it was more than just a physical attraction that
led you to have these deep feelings for this guy you did not know. We gathered from
your past experience (or lack thereof) that you were a shy or at least reserved person
who had not interacted with the opposite gender before. For these reasons, we concluded
that your crush on this man resulted from the desire to fill in a gap or void in
your life by imagining this great romance. The fact that the guy was safely at a
distance was a way for your fantasy to blossom without having to deal with the reality
of interacting with a real live human being.
Romantic crushes like the one you describe are not uncommon for young girls and even
some women. After all, the feeling of loving by itself is enough to consume your
entire being. There are a lot of women in relationship with men who are less than
ideal partners. However, the power and belief in love will turn the eyes of these
women shut and they manage to remain idealistic about the "white knight"
in their lives. If you watch the movie "Adele H.", it is the real life
story of the daughter of famous French writer Victor Hugo, who left family and friends
and traveled over numerous continents to be in the proximity of a man who did not
so much as acknowledge her. The most poignant line in that film is when Adele states
that she does not even need that man anymore to be the recipient of her love. Love
itself has become her religion.
Not to be facetious, but poor Adele, great romantic that she was, unfortunately ended
her life in a lunatic asylum! We of course are not suggesting that you are in need
of psychiatric help. We just used this as an extreme example of what can happen when
we let ourselves wallow in imaginary fantasies.
In your case, we are happy to see that your feelings have somewhat decreased in intensity
over time. The last word we used in the last sentence is key here. Only time can
fully heal all the wounds of unrequited love, whether real or imaginary.
It's not easy to get over a crush, especially if you are constantly reminiscing in
your mind about those memories. You will not be able to move on. Be conscious of
those flickers of memory so that every time one of them comes up, you can switch
off that part of your brain and think about something else. It's almost like nail-biting
or some other habit. You?ve got to be alert to the occasions when you are about to
indulge in musing over the memories, so that you can interrupt them before they can
continue.
Another way to get over a crush is to become very busy doing other activities that
have nothing to do with him. Take up a new sport, get heavily involved in a time-consuming
project, or concentrate on your studies. None of these activities should have been
shared with him in the past. They will not only allow you to reestablish your independence,
but you will also meet new friends in the process.
Most importantly, the next time you have a crush on someone, we suggest that you
have the courage to talk to him. We do not mean that you should throw yourself at
a complete stranger. But if, as you say, you are less shy these days, then make an
effort to talk with the object of your affection rather than worship him from afar.
After all, remember that he is a human being just like you, full of insecurities
as well as qualities just like you. No one should be placed on a pedestal above you.
Rather, consider the situation always as though the both of you are on equal footing.
No matter what happens, whether romance ensues or not, it is better to have loved
and lost than to never have loved at all.
Take care, and big hugzzz from your Abjeez,
Abjee Pari and Abjee Fotti
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