May 5, 2003
The Iranian

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* My friends think that I need to move on. But...

Dear Abjeez,

I am a twenty-year old Iranian-American woman. A little over a year ago, I met an Iranian-American guy in one of my classes. I was attracted to him the first day but no one has ever been to hold my attention for long, so I didn't think much of it. From the first time I spoke with him (he approached me first), I found him quite charming. The few times that I spoke with him after class, I found him to be very intelligent. We became acquaintances.
 
I had gone through years of despising guys and with the help of my best friend I began to change my attitude. I had gotten a vibe from him and last semester I decided to give this a chance. He was in more of my classes and we became friends. At first he was very nice and flirted with me. Slowly, I found myself liking him more and more. The minute I realized that I liked him, he started to pull away and started acting like a jerk.
 
I couldn't understand this change in attitude. He later admitted to me, the reason he was mean to me was because he thought that I liked him and wanted me to stop. But it wasn't as if he was always mean. Half the time he was very nice and we still hanged out and attended social events together.
 
A couple of months ago, he told me that a friend of mine had told him that I liked him. I am in general a trusting person and admitted to a lot of people about my feelings (a mistake that I will never make again). I was shocked and my initial reaction was to deny it. He said that was good because he liked me as a friend only.
 
Things went on as they had done before for another two months. We became closer as friends and my feelings grew stronger. But then I had a hard time because his behavior toward me would have a strong affect on my moods. If he was nice to me, then I would have a good day and if he was mean then I just wanted to crawl into bed.
 
What was killing me was that I didn't know if he likes me or not. At one point his roommate mentioned in front of him that he likes me. He just turned red but didn't deny it. At this point there isn't really a question if he likes me or not. Everyone who sees us together thinks that we are dating and they compliment how we have "natural chemistry."
 
Anyway, over the past few months we have become a lot closer. My feelings for him subsided as I realized that he wasn't going to ask me out any day soon. Finally, I was comfortable enough when he asked me again if I liked him, that I admitted to him that I do. He had a huge smile on his face and said that he already knew but wanted to be sure. He was just mad that I hadn't told him sooner. I explained that I cared about our friendship and I felt bringing the issue would have made things awkward. He said that it was good that things were out in the open and that we would go from there.
 
So I admitted to my feelings but he didn't tell me how he feels (another one of his girl friends had also told him before that she likes him, and he had told her straight out that he doesn't have feelings for her). It has already been a couple of weeks. Our relationship has not changed, mostly because my admission wasn't really news.

Now I don't know what to do. I am afraid to ask him how he feels about me. Mostly because I don't think that he wants to be in a relationship at this point due to all the other issues that he is involved with right now. But then I am not sure and he may be ready. Also, I am scared that he will say that he likes me only as a friend. This might jeopardize our friendship because it might seem to him that I am expecting something more than friendship from him.

My friends think that I need to move on. But I can't really do that because he is one of my closest friends and I am not ready to lose him as a friend. More than anything it is his friendship that I care about. So please help me. What am I to do?
 
M

Reply

Abjee Fotti and Abjee Pari write:

Dear M,

The most painful thing in the world is loving someone who does not reciprocate your feelings.  Sometimes, the feelings are so strong that you focus on the person despite all the obvious signs that he is not interested.  Also, it does not help when that person gives you mixed signals.
 
You have been nurturing this secret love for your friend for a very long time.  You mention that before you met him, you despised all guys.  This is an extreme statement!  Was it because you were hurt before by a guy?  Or maybe you were just too afraid to get hurt so you distanced yourself?
 
In any case, the end result seems to have been that once you allowed yourself to fall, you fell very hard.  Unfortunately, it has been with a guy who has demonstrated to you many times that he is not interested in you as anything but a friend.  The fact that he turned red does not mean that he loves you.  Maybe it was just embarassment at being labeled your boyfriend?
 
You have said that every time you acted close to him, he would step back and distance himself from you.  He has also told you to your face that he likes you as a friend only.  Finally, when you admitted to him that you are in love with him, he didn't reciprocate.
 
You are confused because although he states that he is not interested in you romantically, you two still spend a lot of time together.  This may partly be your doing.  When was the last time he initiated plans?  Or asked you to go somewhere with him?  Are you sure you are not the one who constantly schedule your life around him?
 
It may also be partly his doing.  He seems to like it when you are around. This does not mean that he has changed his mind and views you as something more than a "friend." It could be that it is just flattering to his ego that he has someone worshipping him.
 
Often, people who are in love with the wrong person will use the pretext of "friendship" to hold on to that mirage.  If you are willing to keep being tortured , then you will stick around with him even if he never reciprocates your feelings.
 
We suggest that distance is the healthiest thing right now for you.  If, as you say, you are in it for the friendship most, then a little distance will do nothing to break your bonds.  Instead, it will allow you to cool off your passion and accept the fact that this boy is not interested in you romantically.

You most likely will not listen to this advice.  Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom before you have had enough.  It is very hard to give up this idea that has been the focal point of your romantic life for over one year.  Once you realize it is over, however, do not retreat into your shell as you will be prone to do.  "Despising guys" will do nothing to improve your outlook or your romantic prospects.  For the next time, you have to know when to let go.  If a guy is honest enough to tell you right off the bat that he is not interested in you, you have to give up on the idea of romancing him.
 
We wish you more luck in the future
 
Sincerely,

Abjee Pari and Abjee Fotti

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