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May 10, 2003 Send us your questions and comments * What are the odds? Dear Abjeez, I am a caucasian American Jewish girl and during the latter part of my marriage to a caucasian American man, I had an affair with the Iranian man of my dreams, whom I had dated prior to marrying my husband. We had an affair for about 18 months before the inevitable deterioration of my marriage (the affair was never discovered, there were many other reasons involved in the break down). At any rate, towards the end of the marriage and PRIOR to my husband moving out of the house, I slept with him. My Iranian man asked me recently when the last time I had slept with him was and I told him January (the truth). He went insane and told me I had violated his trust, broke a promise (which I never promised I would not sleep with my husband) and said he needed a few weeks to calm down, he didn't want to say anything out of anger. I respected his wishes for 5 days and broke down and called him. I couldn't take the unknown. We are so much in love with each other and have been for about 10 years (even during my marriage to the other man, I often thought of this other man and twice met him for dinner). The ironic thing is that he was okay with sleeping with another man's wife however when it became clear that I could/would be "his" that was no longer acceptable. He has touted his desire to never marry and perhaps never have children. He has a true fear of committment (which may account for his having a relationship with a then married woman!). When I called him he was initially put off and angry. (he is VERY controlling and has specific expectations of me, which is a turn on as well as scary at times!). He made me promise my fidelity and swear I would never sleep with my ex again. I agreed. He has made it clear though that annually he goes to Amsterdam and sleeps with prostitutes (gosh, the more I write the worse this man sounds!). I have agreed to that knowing how highly sexual he is. My only requirement is that he not wine and dine women, he cannot "date" women AT ALL and though I can't imagine ever getting married again, I can't guarantee I won't change my mind in the future (he may also change his mind). I am unsure now of what my question is! I suppose that I am confused at how much devotion I am obliged to give to this man who makes it clear to me he has no intention of ever getting married or having children (I already have a precious 3 year old daughter). He also never thought we would still be together after 18 months so,
am I wrong to assume he may change his mind on a longer term relationship?
He does say that he wants us to stay together for as long as possible,
as long as we are still in love etc. which in all What are the odds of him ever wanting to live together or even have children? Marriage is not as critical of a point as having his heart as marriage is somewhat scary to a recently separated person like myself! Thanks for your thoughtful reply. I look forward to hearing from you soon! DD
Abjee Fotti and Abjee Pari write: Dear DD, For once we are speechless. This man is a controlling adulterer who sleeps
with prostitutes and has fear of commitment. And this is the guy you choose
as the potential father of your children? We do not like to take the Dr.
Laura route but honestly, we don't know how to sugar coat this. Sincerely, * Send this page to your friends
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