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May 26, 2003
The Iranian
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* To be or not to be a cheer leader
I am a 13-year-old girl. My father is Iranian and my mother is American.
My problem is that I like to be a cheer leader in school. All my friends
are cheer leaders and I think it is so cool.
However, my father is very against it. He says all cheer leaderes do
is show threir legs to boys. Now he does not want me even to hang out
or talk to my cheer leader friends. My mother likes me to be a cheer leader.
She was one herself in the school when she was young. They argue, but
my father always wins.
Please tell me what I should do?
Teen
 Reply
Abjee Fotti and Abjee Pari write:
Dear Teen,
The abjeez relate to your dilemna. Having grown up in North America,
it was sometimes hard to reconcile the desire to grow up with the freedoms
of just any other American teen-ager with the traditional views espoused
by Iranian dads.
While all dads necessarily fear for their little girl, and want to shield
her from dangerous situations, Middle-Eastern dads will be even more protective
of their daughter. For example, as you indicate yourself, your dad may
be motivated by a desire to protect your "virtue".
Abjee Pari's dad for example was shocked that his daughter wanted to wear
make-up or start shaving her legs in her teens. It was difficult period
to go through because what was normal and ordinary for one was shocking
and extraordinay for the other.
The key here is communication. While it is nice that your mom wants to
be your advocate, you have to learn to be able to express yourself to
your dad and assert the fact that you are your own person, and you are
growing up to decide for yourself certain aspects of your life.
Instead of a screaming match or a head butting contest, we suggest that
you prepare yourself beforehand for the calm, logical arguments you are
going to put forward to your dad. the best way to convince your dad that
you are not a child, is by acting like an adult.
You may for example, make a list of why cheerleading is important to you.
For example, you want to spend time with your friends, you enjoy being
part of the school spirit, you like to dance and sing.
You may point out to your dad that cheerleading has over the years developed
into more than just a showcase for female legs. At the high school level,
it has become a competitive sport, as well as a creative artistic outlet,
with young persons competing against each other through demonstration
of their physical prowess, creativity with their rhymes, and innovative
choreography.
You may also mention that even if cheerleading involves wearing short
skirts and showing your legs, that your dad should be confident enough
in his own upbringing of you to trust you. Just because you are cheerleading
does not mean you are going down the path of sexual promiscuity, as his
deepest fear may be!
You may also want to get a few adults to back you up, especially if there
are members of your family or teachers or guidance counselors at school
whom your father respects and whom he will listen to.
Sometimes, a little outside help is needed to bridge the cultural gap
between American children and their Middle-eastern parents. They may for
example point out to your dad that a categorical refusal will only incite
you to sneak around instead of being open and communicative with him.
In every relationship, compromise is needed. Just as much as you speak
your point of view to your dad, try to listen with equal attention to
what he has to say. Ask him about his childhood and whether he was ever
disappointed when forbidden to do something that he really liked.
Those memories may perhaps trigger in him the realization that just because
his own parents may have acted dictatorially with him, he needs to change
when it comes to his own child.
Wishing you a lot of luck and our best regards,
Give me a B, give me a Y, give me an E!
What does it spell?!
BYE!
Abjee Pari and Abjee Fotti
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