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November 7, 2003
The Iranian
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Question
* Me, mom and Freud
Dear Abjeez,
This is kind of a weird question and maybe too specialized for an
advice column but I hope, if you cannot provide me with the solution, at least
you can point me in the right direction.
Although dreaming and/or having nightmares is common to everybody, I find myself
lately having nightmare upon nightmare every night. It has gotten so that
my wife wakes up with the noise of me either cursing, screaming or motioning
in my sleep. She does not understand what it is I say during the dream.
It sounds like mumbo jumbo, but she can tell I am really upset.
This is a little bit of my background which may help: I have a high stress
career in medicine where I keep longer hours than I would like to and I am not
even sure this is my ultimate career because I don't think it makes me
happy. I got pushed into it by my Iranian parents (god bless them!) but
now after all that hard work and studying, it just feels anti-climactic to be
a "doctor." I have very artistic interests and always wanted
to be something like a writer or a journalist growing up but of course this was
not a "suitable" profession!
As for my personal life, I am VERY VERY happily married to my lovely wife/soul
mate however the cloud in that happiness is that my parents completely became
estranged
from me due to this marriage (She is Filipino and they wanted me to marry
of course a nice Persian girl!!!). They did not attend my wedding, which
was a big blow to me and they have not acknowledged our union even their own
grandkid!
(newborn)
After doing my best efforts (believe me) to understand them and talk with them,
I have finally cut out this negative influence from my life but I cannot help
feeling guilty of course because of the sacrifices they made to put me through
medical school (and believe me they have reminded me time and time again)
Anyways, my dreams as far as I remember are always about my parents: In
one dream, I am driving a big truck on the California freeway and I see my mom
barefoot running down the freeway with all these cars coming at her and I am
trying to get to her and help her in the truck so she does not get hit but I
cannot ever reach her. In another, I am in my childhood home and suddenly
I take my father by the hand and force him onto the balcony and it starts raining
and he gets soaking wet, cold and shivering.
Do you think I need to start communicating with my parents again? Although
when I am awake I hardly think about them and concentrate on my own family, I
think my nightmares are eating away at me.
Shahram
 Reply
Abjee Fotti and Abjee Pari write:
Dear Shahram,
You are right in that dream interpretation is definitely a complex business
and not subject to one interpretation. One of the most prominent
writers on the subject is Sigmund Freud but his theories have now been
widely rejected.
While we agree that not everything (including dreams)
boil down to your childhood relationship with mom, or to feelings of
sexual repression, we still believe in general he had a valid point: Our
emotions, especially the ones that are difficult to deal with, tend to
be buried inside of us and on the surface, we may function normally but
they will resurface in disguised form during dreaming. We also
believe that the remembered fragments of dreams can help uncover the
buried feelings.
Here, your feelings are not buried that deep since you have yourself
acknowledged feelings of guilt as well as resentment anger and frustration
gnawing at you regarding your parents, and your career. Although
you have decided to cut out your parents from your life you have realized
it is not so easy to dismiss people who have raised and nurtured you
for probably half your life at least, even though you have a family of
your own. Actually the fact that you have a newborn child, putting
you in the position of a father, may have exacerbated your feelings regarding
your own parents.
It is very normal to feel hurt that your parents have pushed you into
a career and ostracized you when you made a life decision without their
approval. Also, you say that you have tried to open the lines of
communication but again, they have rejected you. So we do not think
that trying again, on your part, will achieve any positive results, either
to repair the relationship or to alleviate your nightmares.
It is
up to them to make the move to speak again however you have to prepare
yourself for the eventuality that they never will (depending on how stubborn
they are). It is sad to realize that your parents' love for
you, which you may have thought was unconditional, have strings attached.
Unfortunately,
too many parents put their own unfulfilled dreams onto the shoulders
of their children, thereby suffocating any of the children's own
aspirations and wishes. You are not a bad person for wanting to
live your life on your own terms, including your choice of a lifemate
and career.
The dreams you have look as though you are putting yourself in the guilty
position. In your dreams, your parents are abandoned, put in danger
or hurt by your actions.
Another reason that you have nightmares of course is the high stress
of your job. You probably don't get regular hours of sleep. Also,
you are disenchanted with your career and feel that it has been forced
upon you. This also may be why in your dreams, you are acting out
your anger at your parents (by putting them in an uncomfortable or hurtful
position).
In order for you to have less nightmares, you have to reduce your stress. You
have to take a long hard look at whether it is worth it to continue in
a career that makes you unhappy and makes you spend time away from your
family. If you like writing, why don't you explore that option,
it is never too late to end your unhappiness! Life is too short
to stay at an unhappy place. Given your medical background, you
may use your knowledge for your writing, just look at Michael Crichton,
he went from doctor to writing movie screenplays! You can also decide
to teach rather than be in private practice, leaving you time to explore
the writing thing and still be able to have a regular income to support
your family.
You have to talk about these feelings instead of bottling them up. Since
your wife is your soulmate, we assume you have good communication with
her. If you haven't already, discuss these feelings with
her. If the problem is more serious, you may have to seek some form
of sleep therapy treatment. Since you are a doctor, you may want
to ask a psychologist or therapist among your acquaintances if they can
refer you to someone to help with this problem.
We hope this has at the very least put you in the right direction.
Best regards,
Abjee Pari and Abjee Fotti
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